Getting Discomfortable with Shame and Wisdom

After a long hiatus, the podcast is back with episode 100! In this special episode, I share a conversation I had a few months ago with my friend Virabhadra Colin Bested. Virabhadra has spent the last several years exploring monastic training at Willow Dharma House and MAPLE Monastic Academy. We held an event one rainy afternoon in Toronto with a small group of people to explore the connection between shame and wisdom, comparing and contrasting (mostly comparing) my more Western take on shame with Virabhadra’s more Buddhist-influenced perspective.

“There are some very well respected Buddhist teachers who you could translate some of their words as ‘I’ve spent 40 years walking a spiritual path … the only thing I’ve learned is shame’.”

– Virabhadra

The conversation starts off exploring the toxic side of shame, but then expands to delve into some of the useful and healthy aspects of shame as well, particularly as it is understood through a Buddhist lens. When we don’t live up to our own values or when we cause harm to another person, these are situations where the pain of shame can actually be helpful, motivating, and very human. We also talk about the value of connection as a guiding force in moral decision-making. Rather than ambiguous and subjective ideas of “right and wrong”, the question of, how can I be in deeper connection here? is a compass needle that we both trusted.

If you enjoyed this conversation and want to participate in future discussions, I’m starting to offer several new events, including free discussion groups, Shame Circles, a 4-week online cohort course, and more! For more info, you can join my mailing list, add yourself to my Meetup group, or just keep an eye on my events page.

If you’d like to connect with Virabhadra, he offers practice support calls exploring themes like spiritual friendship (virtue, samadhi, wisdom; Buddha-Dharma), meditation practice, relational practice (Circling and Authentic Relating), Effective Altruism, and more.