266: Self Confidence: Being on Your Side vs. Being on Your Case

One of my all-time favorite leadership books – certainly the one with the most sticky tabs in it – is Reldan Nadler’s “Leading with Emotional Intelligence.” I’ve used this resource for other episodes of the podcast, and today I want to talk about tools for building your self-confidence – specifically, Being on Your Side rather than Being on Your Case. Or, as I like to call it, having your own back.

When you are on your case, you are hard on yourself. This often comes from a belief that the only way to get better is to push yourself to do better and better.

What you may not realize is that your calculus for evaluating success or failure is probably at fault. It’s not what you did or didn’t do, but rather what you think about what you did or didn’t do.

When you are never satisfied with your performance, your self-confidence is naturally negatively impacted. You are often stressed and unhappy.

As a coach, I understand that all the other relationships you have in your life are natural outcroppings of how you treat yourself. If you are being highly critical, judgmental, picky, negative, and never satisfied – you will view others in the same way.

So while we’re specifically talking about your relationship with yourself in this episode, understand the consequences of that relationship to all the other relationships in your life. If you lead people, you will likely treat them as you treat yourself.

Here’s what I know to be true: You can’t hate yourself into becoming a better performer at work…a better leader…a more promotable person. When you can be on Your Side, you develop a more accurate calibration by which to measure yourself.

Instead of using On Your Case language with yourself, you can begin practicing more On Your Side language.

Here are some examples of On Your Case language:

-How could I be so lame?

-Don’t I know better than this?

-I’m an idiot for doing this!

-Why didn’t I start this sooner?

-I could have done a much better job!

-What is wrong with me?

-I should have known better!

Here are some examples of On Your Side language:

-Which parts of this went well?

-What didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to?

-What exactly didn’t work out here?

-Which part is under my influence?

-Is there anything I could have done differently?

-What can I learn from this performance?

-What do I want to improve next time?

-Is there any learning, training, or help I need to improve my performance?

On Your Case language is demanding, damaging, and irrational, and over-generalized, leaving you feeling dissatisfied, less confident, and overwhelmed.

On Your Side language is respectful, constructive, rational, and realistic, leaving you feeling encouraged and energized – and with an action plan for the future.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

-How accurate is my evaluation system?

-On a scale of 1-100, what percentage of the time am I on my case?

-How do I feel after I’ve been on my case?

-What are the consequences for me and others for being on my case?

-Do I treat others as harshly as I do myself?

-Is this an effective pattern for me to continue with?

-If I don’t change this, what do I stand to lose or miss out on?

The first step in this process has to be awareness – telling yourself the truth about how often you are On Your Case vs. On Your Side. Noticing when you are On Your Case going forward vs. On Your Side. Change always must begin with an honest assessment of where we currently are.

NOTE: Once you begin being more aware of how often you are On Your Case, the tendency is to beat yourself up even more. You are already beating yourself up by being On Your Case, but now you are also beating yourself up for beating yourself up.

“I’m such an idiot for being on my case so much.”

Rather, I invite you to begin slowly redirecting your brain, which has been thoroughly trained to Be On Your Case, to begin being On Your Side. Be kind to yourself, patient with yourself, and show grace and mercy. Don’t expect a 180 degree change overnight. Celebrate the small victories – which is also a great way to be On Your Side!

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