153 | Marriage Tips, Mentorship & Neuroscience Awesomeness (Ted Lowe)

Dec 24, 2020

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dadAWESOME

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Ted Lowe

Ted Lowe is an author, speaker, and the director of MarriedPeople—the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.

Conversation Notes:

2:35 - “It’s about going after more moments of awesome and fewer moments of awful.”
3:30 - Moving from fewer moments of awful to more moments of awesome in marriage.
4:00 - Marriage is made up of micro-moves. “We can choose to have awesome moments and they’re not as big as we think.”
5:08 - What his dad did right
5:12 - On losing his mom at age 10
6:20 - How losing his mom has impacted how he has raised his kids
10:00 - A dad fail moment
11:40 - James 1:9 “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
12:30 - “What they’ve found in neuroscience is that you need eight seconds once you’re triggered for your frontal cortex to kick back in.”
13:25 - Take time when everyone is calm to coach our kids
15:00 - Nurture vs Nature
15:30 - "Kids come into the world fully baked. God has created them and it becomes our job as parents to steward that"
17:48 - "When we look at our kids, you can take the pressure off yourself dads of thinking that you are in more control than you are... Give yourself some freedom that you just have to guide who they are"
18:24 - Analogy from Pastor Levi Lusko about being an Archeologist
19:35 - How to be intentional with finding and stewarding mentorship. Sharing wisdom from Doug and Kathy Fields.
20:40 - Telling his kids, “It’s ok to be shy, but it’s not ok to be rude.”
22:45 - It’s important to find those couples who are down-the-road for mentorship, but be careful not to compare your family to theirs because God created your family uniquely.
25:00 - How to invite feedback from mentor friends.
26:00 - Quote from Dr. Sue Johnson - “We’re trying to get emotionally from a couple people what we used to get from a whole village.”
26:10 - Their story of adoption
28:09 - Comparing a family to a baby mobile - “it doesn’t matter if it’s healthy or not, it starts getting in a rhythm. And when you add something to the mobile, whether it’s good or bad, it gets the mobile off.”
29:40 - The four core habits in his marriage book.
Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

30:30 - Biblical marriage is more about how God wants us to love each other, not necessarily from examples of marriage in the Bible.
35:07 - “Marriage is not about the big day, it’s about the every day.”
36:15 - “It always takes two to keep a negative cycle going, but sometimes one can stop it.”
37:05 - “People don’t have bad hearts they have bad habits. And habits we can change.”
37:20 - His wife said, "I don't need you to FIX this. I need you to FEEL this"
36:23 - Final marriage tips:
38:44 - Sharing how his wife asked him not to talk to her like a man, talk to her like a woman.
Colossians 3:19 - "Husbands, love your wives and don't be harsh with them"
39:15 - Stop patterns that frustrate her and stop allowing small things to frustrate you.
39:45 - Make moments you enjoy. What would make her so happy today.
40:00 - When asking her, “How can I love you more?” Then when she answers, say, “thanks for letting me know.”
41:30 - Keep trying to win her heart... She's asking every day; "Will he still choose me?"
42:40 - Tips for becoming a more awesome dad. “Get on the same page as far about what you feel like you want to do with the kids. Because they will play you like a fiddle…kids need to know that you’re solid.”

Conversation Links:

Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think
Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages that Last (Ted Lowe & Doug Fields)
http://tedlowe.com/
https://marriedpeople.org/