Denizen Transforming Relational Conflict with David Cooley
In this episode we’re discussing conflict resolution, in particular, the distinction between an adversarial paradigm, that all of us unwittingly hold, and a restorative paradigm, that gets us what we ultimately want: healthy, thriving relationships with those closest to us . The difference between the two is quite literally life changing. In the former hurt leads to disconnection and distance, with a slow and steady degradation of the relationships that matter most. In the latter, hurt creates an opportunity for deeper connection and intimacy, which obviously reflects the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible. This deep, provocative, practical conversation will help us all move in that direction.
Our guest is David Cooley, he is a relationship coach who works with individuals and couples, guiding them to address conflict in a way that restores harmony. His work interweaves his background in restorative justice with training in nonviolent communication, mindfulness based practices, narrative therapy, somatic work, and attachment theory. He is also the author of Poly-wise with his partner, Jessica Fern.
In this conversation Jenny and David discuss:
- What the adversarial paradigm is
- How culture and the criminal justice system affect how we show up in interpersonal conflict
- The insidious ways the adversarial paradigm shows up in our beliefs, responses, and internal narratives
- How our conflict resolution defaults impact our nervous systems and the nervous systems of our partners
- How the stories we hold distort how we perceive our partners in moments of conflict
- Why all of this leads to increasing disconnect and degradations
- What the restorative paradigm is
- The restorative versions of the believes, responses, and narratives of the adversarial paradigm
- The nervous system and how critical self-awareness and self-regulation is to addressing conflict productively
- The role of fairness in intimate relationships
- The role of forgiveness and the distinction between repair, expression, and forgiveness
- How we can care for our partner's emotional needs without taking responsibility for our partner's emotions and compromising ourselves
Alongside this episode we are sharing David's incredible handouts with our listeners:
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