Next Up: Narcissism Episode 6: Why Narcissists Sabotage Special Occasions
“Once you see these patterns, you are going to see them everywhere,” says Dr. Z as she outlines the distinct playbook of narcissistic abuse. As you become increasingly aware of the narcissist’s patterns, “you’re going to know exactly what's going to happen, when they're going to do it, and how they’re going to do it," she elaborates. In this episode, Dr. Z explores how individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often sabotage significant and meaningful events in the lives of those around them, revealing how this behavior, though common, is often overlooked and affects relationships with partners, friends, coworkers, and family members.
Those with NPD will frequently (and deliberately) ruin special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, graduations, job promotions, even funerals. Their primary motive? To gain access to your emotions, diminish the importance of the occasion, and to obtain power and control over you and the situation itself. This can look like picking fights for no reason, deliberately giving inappropriate or unwanted gifts, feigning illness, lateness, excessive drinking, giving you the silent treatment, or even ignoring the occasion altogether. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for those entangled within a narcissistic abusive relationship as it allows you to better predict their behavior and form effective responses to protect your peace.
Dr. Z offers actionable tips on setting boundaries and preparing for potential sabotage, including the use of fact-based responses only, maintaining neutral emotional responses, developing a set of alternative backup plans, and documenting any interactions in writing. She discusses in detail how gaining an in-depth understanding of this manipulation tactic can greatly minimize the impact it has on these important occasions. With awareness, preparation, and strategic planning, you can protect your joy, maintain control over important life events, and gain a tremendous sense of empowerment.
Quotes
- “Narcissists routinely will do what they can to sabotage an event and a holiday—anything that’s important to you.” (02:36 | Dr. Z)
- “If you know that on these important occasions, that something like this is going to happen, you can prepare. What does that look like? You can have a mantra that you’re going to say if they make a comment to you. If they start an argument with you—we talk about gray rock, right?—you’re going to become extremely neutral, fact-based, and boring. You are not going to engage them in their delusions, in their manipulation, in their gaslighting. You are not going to play the game. (28:47 | Dr. Z)
- “If you want to win the game, you go totally neutral. You do not allow them access to your emotions, to your thoughts, to the situation, to the behavior. You do not give them that. And you do that by having extremely neutral responses.” (29:31 | Dr. Z)
Links
Connect with Dr. Jaime Zuckerman:
https://www.drjaimezuckerman.com/
https://www.zgrouptherapy.com/
https://www.instagram.com/dr.z_psychologist/
https://www.tiktok.com/@dr.z_psychologist