#1 - Jacob Falkovich: unraveling the game of love and dating

Jacob Falkovich is the writer behind Second person dating, a blog and Substack weaving together rationality, relationships, and culture. His work explores how dating works in the real world — not the fairy tale or the algorithm — and what it means to be honest, strategic, and human, follow Jacob on Twitter

We talk about the epistemology of dating, the myth of soulmates, polyamory, emotional rationality, and how to escape the hidden scripts of modern romance. Topics are outlined in the timestamps below.

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Timestamps

00:00 – Intro

02:43 – Dating as an inference problem, not a competition

05:26 – How “active inference” applies to attraction

08:09 – Everything you do sends a signal — whether you know it or not

10:52 – Selection effects and dating dynamics in apps

13:35 – Why dating apps are broken markets

16:18 – Soulmate fantasies, agency, and gender roles

19:01 – Mimetic stories and the identity of being “unlovable”

21:44 – How status games distort love and dating

24:27 – Authenticity vs strategic presentation

27:10 – Why lying on dating apps ruins your filter

29:53 – Polyamory, open relationships, and cringe signaling

32:36 – Jealousy, drama, and doing it for the wrong reasons

35:19 – Love as transformation, not optimization

38:02 – Rationalists, emotions, and long-term unpredictability

40:45 – Relationships as prediction problems, not utility hacks

43:28 – What Jacob learned from 10 years with his wife

46:11 – Breaking social scripts through cultural contrast

48:54 – The cost of following the script vs living with intention

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