I sometimes do workshops just with the married couples or other people living together in a love relationship and what we do to begin the workshop. We identify the couple who has had a conflict, the longest outstanding conflict that could not be resolved. I make a prediction and it's right. My prediction has been accurate and it may be I'm sure at least 75% of the cases, but my prediction is this that we will resolve the conflict within 20 minutes, within 20 minutes. From the point at which both parties can tell me what the other party is needing.
(2:00:09) Okay. One time we found a couple married, 39 years had a conflict, had not been able to resolve this conflict. The wife said to me, Marshall, I can tell you right We're not going to be able to resolve this within 20 minutes, we have a good marriage. We communicate well. But this is just one of those things that we're different people. We just have a conflict here. I said, let me correct. One thing I didn't say we're going to resolve it within 20 minutes. I said within 20 minutes, from the point at which you can both tell me what the other party is needing. Oh, she said Marshall, when you've been married 39 years and you've talked about something almost every day, I can tell you we understand each other. The problem isn't that we're just two different people in this issue. Well, I said, I've been wrong before. I can sure be wrong this time, but let's see. We'll find out within 20 minutes. First tell me what his needs are in this situation.
(2:01:12) He doesn't want me to spend any money. He responds immediately. That's ridiculous. 39 years of communicati
on. First of all, doesn't want me to spend any money is not a need. Needs, and strategies need to be separated. They had been talking about how much mone tould spend and not spend, but the more important issue there was,,ae main, issue between them. See, but that's, I'm sayin
Int the couple to talk about the strategies or the solutions until the connection is there. When the connection is there, the conflicts usually resolve themselves. I pointed out to her, no, that's
not a need. Even if it was notice, he's saying that's not accurate. It, okay. Let me then tell you what his needs are.
(2:02:12) Marshall. You see t's just like his own father. They both have a depression mentality when it comes to money. ,Iato that, no, I'm not asking for an analysis of his personality. I'm saying, what are his needs? She didn't know,. After 39 years, she had no awareness consciou
Is. I said to him, okay, well she doesn't know why don't you tell her? Well, Marshall, let me tell you what her needs are. She's a lovely woman, wonderful mother, a wonderful wife. But when it comes to money, she's totally irresponsible. Here comes another 39 years. I asked her a need and he gives me a diagnosis. Of course she immediately says, that's unfair. I said, hold it.
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Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg's NVC Training