This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Alice. Alice is a recently divorce parent with two boys ages 9 and 6 In Part 1 we learn about Dan who struggles with FAIRNESS, often melting down in ways that impact that whole family. We will discuss the candy wars, the ruined birthday parties, and the issue of fairness. Alice also admits that she is struggling with the fear of being a bad parent and worries about who her son will be as an adult.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Time stamps:

6:12 The need to see and heard and understood

6:45 Use the phrase “I notice….” to help your child gain intrapersonal and interpersonal awareness

9:40 Validation - not all validation is not all equal - its in the eye of the beholder - try to get the primary emotion - I identify when you unintentionally invalidate your child

12:05 We are parenting in the short term and the long term

15:43 Do you expect your child to misbehave? We actually need to expect our child to misbehave

16:41 When parents feel like they are a failure

17:49 and 18:50 Examples of using the skill of coping ahead for the misbehavior: “Bring it on”

20:45 Talking about the fear of what your child will be like when they grow up

26;26 The issue of fairness and unfairness

27:35 When kids need predictability and uncertainty

31:28 The difference between equality and equity

33:50 An example of dialectic dilemma

35:20 Sibling rivalry as a process of individuation and differentiation

40:16 Think outside the box - fill the emotional bank

45:05 When parents feel like their children are manipulating them

46:14 The “shoulds” that parents may feel.

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to check your own expectations, check your fears and check your shoulds.

Show Note Links:

A visual image illustrating the difference between equality and equity
An article on Why kids have meltdowns afterschool
A blog posting exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood
A blog posting exploring The Need to Belong

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Ep 706: Kidnapped by Hamas: the story of one Israeli hostage