Ask Margaret: My Kid Is Super Slow in the Mornings

How do you let your child experience natural consequences for their slowpoke actions—without going insane yourself?

Listener Katie asks:

"My 11-year-old has trouble meeting deadlines we set for her (running to catch the bus, not getting to bed by her bedtime). When my husband and I try to help her stay on track she talks back or purposefully stalls more! I don’t know how to not get triggered by that. It makes me angry which doesn’t help. Any suggestions? Either for staying calm or what to try with her?

We rely more on consequences than positive reinforcement. I would love my husband to be more of a positive presence in the morning, which might improve things. I’m only partially around for mornings (which doesn’t help). Thanks for at least letting me rant!"

Margaret has been here herself. She coordinated with her child's school and asked them to issue the appropriate disciplines for lateness to her child on days her child was late, removing herself from being responsible for the consequences.

It's important to remember that children aren't just fed by positive attention; negative attention gets them going just as much. Eleven-year-olds typically begin testing boundaries and asserting their independence, since they have no real power of their own at that age.

Try telling your child that they are in charge of their own routines, as well as all consequences for being late. Ask them what they might need from you to make the routine a success—a wake-up call, packing a lunch, whatever the thing may be—and then try to leave them to their own devices. Eventually, they will realize you are serious about their making their own trains run on time.

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