6 The origin and outcome of the Idealized Self-Image

Apr 12, 2023

Explore the connection between unhappiness and self-belief, revealing how our idealized self-image masks deeper insecurities. Discover the origins of this façade in childhood and the impossible standards we set for ourselves. Learn to differentiate between genuine self-confidence and the false bravado of the idealized self. Uncover the signs that your inner mask is threatened and how reclaiming your true self can restore intuition and peace. Ultimately, find freedom from the constraints of perfectionism and embrace your authentic self.

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INSIGHT

Duality Breeds The Idealized Self

Duality traps us into seeing life as either happiness (life) or unhappiness (death), driving the creation of a fake idealized self-image.
This idealized self is a pseudo-protection that promises security but ultimately increases unhappiness and insecurity.

INSIGHT

Fake Confidence Fails

Our self-confidence drops when we feel unhappy, so we invent an artificial self to supply missing confidence.
Because this confidence is fake, it cannot produce genuine growth or lasting peace.

ANECDOTE

Childhood Roots Of Pretending

As children we learn being good equals love and being bad equals punishment, so we hide imperfections and build a false self.
That false self becomes a 'dirty little secret' we continually try to cover up with effort and guilt.

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There’s a direct correlation between being unhappy and not believing in ourselves; our self-confidence takes a hit that is proportional to how badly we feel. Our idealized self-image is supposed to avoid all that by supplying the missing self-confidence. This, we think, by way of our unconscious reasoning, will lead us straight down the road to pleasure supreme…

We simply can’t be more than we really are in any given life situation…What we can do is have a genuine desire to better ourselves, which leads to accepting ourselves as we are right now…Once we’ve done a significant amount of personal work, we’ll start to see the difference between feeling a genuine desire for gradual improvement, and the pretense of the idealized self that just wants to click some ruby slippers together now and look better…

The very notion that, as human beings, we can be perfect is an illusion…Since our nutty standards are impossible to reach—and yet we never give up trying to uphold them—we create an inner tyranny of the worst kind. We don’t realize just how impossible our demands are and we never stop whipping ourselves to meet them, so we feel like complete failures when we prove, once again, that we fall short…Someone or something else must be to blame for our failure…

The idealized self is a phony, rigid face that we invest with our real being. But it’s an artificial construction that will never come to life. The more we invest into it, the more strength we sap from the center of our being…Only by seeing what’s going on can we color inside the lines of our being, and fill in our missing sense of self…

Believe it or not, our feelings will become every bit as reliable as our intellect. This is what it means to find ourselves…The idealized self wants to be perfect right now. The real self knows this isn’t possible, and this doesn't bother it one little bit…

From our real self, we function from our wholeness, instead of from “hole-ness”…When we learn that we can squander ourselves into life, the same way that nature squanders herself, we will then know the beauty of living… In reality, having genuine self-confidence gives us peace of mind…Remember that no one can do this work alone.

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Bones, Chapter 6: The Origin and Outcome of the Idealized Self-Image

Read Original Pathwork® Lecture: #83 The Idealized Self-Image