Doing well, feeling fine #4 | Beyond companionship: How some couples stay in love for a life-time with Julia Grosse
Today I am speaking with Julia Grosse. Julia co-founded “Contemporary &”, a platform for contemporary art practice from Africa and the global diaspora. You can access it under www.contemporaryand.com. She is also a journalist, curator, lecturer, and author.
One of her books - Ein Leben lang - is about life-long relationships. Its point of departure are Julia’s grandparents who were happily married to each other for 70 years.
Based on their example, Julia tracked other couples who spent 60 years or more with each other: she documented artists and musicians, activists, and immigrants making a new home abroad; she speaks with secular and deeply religious couples; with same-sex and heterosexual couples.
In our conversation we explore what characterizes such relationships. We cover the roles of:
- Trust and respect
- Freedom and individual space
- The difference between companionship (simply resigning oneself to a partner) vs. ongoing intimacy and love
- We talk about the importance of making memories as a couple
- We explore the role of shared goals, values and beliefs in sustaining the relationship
But we also address some of the imbalances within relationships and the question of who gets to take, who has to give, and how this can change over time.
There are some important caveats worth mentioning upfront: some of the relationships discussed were formed against a historic background of highly conservative social norms and unequal economic structures that - without doubt - made it difficult for women to prioritize their own objectives or even to leave a relationship. There was far greater economic dependency, and the conventional expectation was also that there’s little wrong with prioritizing the husband’s career by default. Thankfully we have made progress here, though much work remains to be done.
In the introduction, I also reference the work of Sue Johnson on maintaining emotional connection; a key ingredient for life-long love. I draw on her work Hold Me Tight.
Sources:
Julia Grosse: Ein Leben Lang, published by Hoffmann & Campe
Sue Johnson: Hold me Tight, published by Little, Brown & Company