Ep53: When It Gets Personal (Listener Question with guest Arden Clise)
Oct 18, 2019
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Arden Clise, expert in communication and etiquette, joins the host to discuss addressing personal habits without hurting feelings. They explore topics such as confronting table manners, addressing loud talkers in the office, navigating small domestic issues, and dealing with irritating habits and sounds.
When addressing sensitive topics about personal habits, it is important to tread carefully and consider if the habit directly impacts the speaker or others.
Prioritizing relationships over small irritations is crucial, and it is best to let minor annoyances go for the sake of preserving the relationship.
Deep dives
Approaching Sensitive Topics About Personal Habits
This episode explores how to approach sensitive topics related to personal habits. While it may seem trivial, little habits like eating with the mouth open can become distractions that affect relationships. The question raised is how to give feedback about such personal quirks without hurting someone's feelings. The advice given is to tread carefully, as personal habits like eating, dressing, or one's posture are generally off-limits for criticism, especially among family, friends, or colleagues. However, if a medical condition is involved that directly impacts someone, it becomes appropriate to address the issue sensitively and make it about the speaker's experience rather than judgment.
Navigating Challenging Communication Issues
The episode also touches on misophonia, a condition in which certain sounds, like eating noises, can cause intense fight or flight reactions. It emphasizes the importance of taking care of oneself when faced with triggering behaviors that cannot be changed. Options include removing oneself from the situation, distracting oneself, or choosing not to be bothered by it. The episode encourages reflection on whether an annoyance is worth addressing and what the motivation behind it is, whether it stems from control or genuine concern for safety. Ultimately, it advises prioritizing the relationship over small irritations.
Determining When to Address Annoying Habits
The episode concludes by discussing when it is appropriate to bring up irritating habits. It suggests considering if the habit causes objective harm or discomfort, and if it is worth mentioning based on safety concerns or preferences. Factors such as how one would feel if the situation were reversed and the importance of the relationship are key considerations. In most cases, it is best to let minor irritations go, as preserving the relationship is more significant than addressing negligible annoyances.
If we hang around with someone long enough, there are little things that pop up that can distract us from heart of the relationship. It might be the way another person eats, dresses, or even folds the towels. And those might seem trivial – after all, differences or annoyances in those areas aren’t make-or-break issues. But they’re not so trivial when they become distractions that suck up our attention.
Our question this episode: how should we approach sensitive topics that have to do with someone’s personal habits?
This episode focuses on a listener question about giving feedback to someone about a personal quirk. When I read the question, I found myself stumped a bit, so I decided to call on my friend and colleague, Arden Clise. If you’re a regular listener, you might remember her from our conversation in episode 5, which serves as a good companion episode to this one.
Here's the listener question, submitted anonymously:
"How do I tell a member of my family about their eating habit, about eating with their mouth shut without hurting their feelings?"