CCP140: On Intergenerational Estrangement: Going “No Contact”
Feb 21, 2025
In a thought-provoking discussion, the hosts explore the alarming trend of intergenerational estrangement, particularly among Millennials and Gen Z. They highlight the challenges faced by those from dysfunctional backgrounds when trying to honor the Fifth Commandment. As social media promotes 'going no contact,' they argue for reconciliation instead of avoidance. Insights into the significance of family dynamics are shared, and practical advice rooted in faith emphasizes open communication, forgiveness, and prayer to mend broken ties.
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insights INSIGHT
Two Reactions to Honoring Parents
People struggle with honoring parents who weren't honorable.
Others find the commandment irrelevant, having had good parents.
insights INSIGHT
Who are 'Parents' Biblically?
Biblical 'parents' include biological, functional (step-), and relational (in-law) parents.
Honor the role, not necessarily the person, showing respect and recognizing their worth.
question_answer ANECDOTE
Examples of Honoring In-Laws
Moses listened to his father-in-law, Jethro's, advice on leadership, improving his effectiveness.
Ruth showed deep honor to her mother-in-law, Naomi, by staying with her after her husband's death.
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In 'Rules of Estrangement,' Dr. Joshua Coleman provides a compassionate and insightful guide for parents dealing with estrangement from their adult children. The book places estrangement within a cultural and historical context, exploring the socioeconomic and psychological factors that contribute to these family ruptures. Coleman offers practical advice on how parents can engage in meaningful conversations with their estranged children, cultivate healthy relationships, and cope with the emotional challenges of estrangement. He emphasizes empathy, self-reflection, and the importance of parents taking the initiative in reconciliation efforts. The book also addresses various specific issues such as mental illness, addiction, and conflicts over identity, religion, and politics[2][4][5].
In this week's conversation between Dr. James Emery White and co-host Alexis Drye, they discuss a recent TikTok trend that involves the promotion of intergenerational estrangement. The buzz language tied to this trend is “going no contact” - when young adult children (specifically Millennials and Gen Z) attempt to solve family issues by essentially ending the relationship and cutting ties with their parents. What many don't think about is how this is in direct violation of one of God's Ten Commandments.
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Dr. White is in the midst of a series on the Ten Commandments at Mecklenburg Community Church (Meck) called “Ten,” and the installment on the fifth commandment is particularly relevant to today's conversation - the command to honor your parents. There are sadly so many who struggle following through with this commandment, feeling that their parents are deserving of anything but honor. But so often it's because people misunderstand the deeper significance of what it means to follow through with this command. You can find all the installments of this series at Church & Culture HERE.
There are two other series that Dr. White delivered at Meck that are also very helpful if this is something that you are struggling with. The first is called “Father Figure” and explores the importance of fathers in our lives and in our world, how to fill father-shaped holes in your life, how to find healing from a dysfunctional father, and the real nature and dynamic of God as Father. The second is called “The Sins of the Fathers: Breaking Generational Patterns of Dysfunction,” with installments designed to help you process this pivotal dynamic that is so decisive to a healthy, whole life.
What sparked this episode is an article written by Theara Coleman in The Week titled “'No contact': Family estrangement is on the rise for young people choosing peace.” She writes how people who would advocate for family estrangement are attempting to normalize this behavior in today's culture, hoping that "eliminating the stigma would allow ‘more people to get out of unhealthy family relationships without shame.'" In reality, this is merely an excuse to avoid the hard work of fighting to protect familial bonds. Clinical psychologist Joshua Coleman conducted a study on this in his book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. He believes that a lot of the issues stem from changed notions about what constitutes traumatic experiences. And David Brooks wrote an article in The New York Times titled “What's Ripping American Families Apart?” that is worth the time to read. His research shows how this trend of estrangement is much more pervasive in the United States than other countries around the world.
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