ROUND 1: A former guerrilla fighter, convicted drug trafficker & biological father of at least 50 kids also became the world’s oldest professional soccer player this week. The real kicker? He’s the Vice President of Suriname. ROUND 2: Ahh the Bactrian Treasure… Ancient artifacts of gold & gems considered Afghanistan’s most important & valuable… but where is it now?! ROUND 3: Remember fallen tech superstar Elizabeth Holmes & her fake deep voice & her Steve Jobs all black outfits & her fraudulent startup, Theranos? That was weird. Remember how Former Defense Secretary James Mattis was on the company’s board? That was weird, too. This week he’s testifying in court & sharing how he was duped! ROUND 4: Biden opposes honorable discharges for troops who refuse vaccine ROUND 5: Siiiick Calllllllll! Man ejaculates from anus but waits 2 years for medical help

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