Gay Sex

After last week’s celebration of my embarrassing coming out story, episode 22 doubles down to explore the ins and outs (so to speak) of casual gay sex. It may not sound like it, but talking about anything remotely sexual in a public way makes me super uncomfortable, which is exactly how I know that I have to do an episode about it! Though this episode is pretty gay-centric, I think all of these issues apply to anyone engaging in casual sex, gay, straight, or otherwise.

Listener discretion advised. That means if you are under the age of 18, or if you are a relative of mine, or if you know me personally, or if we’ve ever worked together, or if we’ve just met in passing, or even if you think we might meet in the future, then you probably should not listen to this episode (unless you’ve actually had sex with me, in which case go ahead, it’s only fair. Also, hi!).

I should also note, though this episode is specifically about casual hookup culture and “dating” apps, keep in mind that not all gays use apps, so this is just one of the multifaceted and vibrantly diverse ways gays engage in sex. And though I discuss it at length, this episode is definitely not sponsored by Grindr, the original, infamous, and much maligned yet perennially popular gay hookup app that inspired Tinder and all the rest. I look in-depth at how these hookup apps work, why they can sometimes be problematic, and my thoughts on how to use them in healthier ways.

I also talk about The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, which I think is an important book for any gay man to read, though I will caution that while trying to dispell gay shame Downs unintentionally(?) gets a bit sex shame-y. This may explain why the book is so divisive — gays seem to either love it or loathe it. While I agree with Downs that casual sex in the gay community is often used to numb unpleasant emotions like shame, loneliness, and grief, I don’t think we need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Because come on, that is one fun baby! As I explain in this episode, there’s a time and a place and a healthy way to use casual sex once our needs for connection and meaning have been met elsewhere.

Also, I had a lot of fun speculating on new straight dating app names in this episode (feel free to steal them for your next big app idea), the official list includes:

Fetch
Timble
Flinge
Twang
Simpr
Quill
Flimp
Twirl
Squeaker

Labyrinths Everywhere! Why Are There So Many in the Bay Area?