A Former Trad Wife on What It Actually Takes To Leave
Aug 7, 2024
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Tia Levings, a former trad wife, shares her deeply personal insights on escaping the constraints of traditional domestic life. She critiques the allure of the trad wife lifestyle, revealing the exhaustion and systemic barriers women face. Tia dives into her journey within a strict evangelical upbringing, shedding light on the trauma and challenges of fundamentalism. The discussion tackles the disparity between curated social media depictions and the harsh realities of traditional living, emphasizing the importance of agency and self-expression.
The tradwife movement's allure is rooted in a nostalgic fantasy that promises comfort amidst societal chaos, especially during tumultuous times.
Contemporary women, overwhelmed by today's demands, may find the tradwife lifestyle appealing, yet it often fails to provide the relief they seek.
Exiting the tradwife life presents significant challenges, including social isolation and emotional barriers, complicating the pursuit of personal freedom and autonomy.
Deep dives
The Allure of Fundamentalism During Chaos
The appeal of fundamentalism often increases in times of societal chaos, providing a sense of comfort and simplicity. The tradwife movement exemplifies this attraction, drawing parallels to previous movements that promised a return to traditional values amidst uncertainties. This nostalgia is particularly potent following events like 9-11, as mainstream Christianity has shifted politically towards nationalism and fundamentalism, creating aesthetics that appear soothing and familiar. These seemingly idyllic lifestyles offer recipe-like formulas for happiness that lure individuals seeking stability in a chaotic world.
The Exhaustion and Fantasy of the Tradwife Role
Contemporary women often experience fatigue from juggling numerous responsibilities, leading some to fantasize about the tradwife lifestyle as a simpler solution. The notion that resigning from work and adopting traditional roles can alleviate stress is deeply appealing, especially when societal expectations feel overwhelming. This fantasy, however, is deceptive, as many women find that returning to such roles may not provide the relief they seek, particularly if they face abusive situations. This exhaustion is intentionally exacerbated by societal structures that discourage equitable distributions of labor and support for women.
Understanding the Tradwife Identity
The tradwife identity is rooted in a historical context that promotes gender roles based on complementarianism, where men and women are seen as inherently different and assigned specific duties. These traditional roles often date back to eras like the 1950s, emphasizing a woman's place in the home to support child-rearing as the primary mission. The role is perpetuated by a belief system that disregards individual strengths and urges a return to what is seen as the ideal family structure. This rigid ideology not only enforces outdated norms but also limits personal growth and agency for women.
The Mechanisms of Fundamentalism
Fundamentalism, whether within Christianity or other ideologies, is characterized by a strict adherence to rigid beliefs with prescribed outcomes. This environment often discourages questioning and promotes a cycle where dissatisfaction leads to deeper entrenchment in more stringent doctrines. Fundamentalist thinking creates a hierarchy that marginalizes dissenting views, contributing to high-control environments that demand conformity and repel critical thought. As individuals become more isolated within these ideologies, it becomes increasingly difficult to escape the belief systems that bind them.
The Challenges of Leaving the Tradwife Lifestyle
Exiting the tradwife lifestyle or any fundamentalist environment presents unique challenges, as individuals often face severe repercussions including social isolation and financial dependency. Many women may lack education or practical skills to survive outside these confines, making their escape even more daunting. Emotional and psychological barriers, such as inherited shame and fear of retribution from their communities, further complicate the process of leaving. Survivors often need a network of support ready to offer acceptance and resources when they decide to seek freedom from these restrictive roles.
Trad Wife Discourse is everywhere. It’s been everywhere for a while, in part because it offers a twisted fantasy of ease to women who are attempting to negotiate life, and family, and career in a society whose policy is actively hostile to women working outside the home. But I’ve seen a spike in interest in the ramp-up to the 2024 U.S. presidential election, where a Trump victory — paired with the explicit goals of Project 2025, J.D. Vance, and Christian Nationalism in general — will make trad wife life just, well, life. It doesn’t happen overnight. It happens incrementally, as choices are very slowly taken from you, or made more attractive. To get to what lures women into this life, and just how difficult it is to escape, I wanted to talk to someone who gets it in a way that those lurking in the Instagram comments simply cannot. So today we’re talking with Tia Levings, who left her trad wife life and, through a bunch of therapy and processing and support, figured out how she wanted to tell her story.
Content Warning: In our conversation, we talk explicitly about emotional and physical abuse and coercion. If you’re not in a place where you want to listen to that discussion, I’d suggest skipping this episode.
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