#51: Is Heteronormativity Impacting Your Relationship?

Jun 11, 2024

17:22

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Growing up in the United States, there is emphasis on living the "American Dream," which means having the white picket fence, the dog, kids, etc. As society is evolving and changing that is not necessarily the goal, but the concept of the "perfect home life" is. As a queer man, we fantasize and idolize that living… even if you don’t want to admit it. Granted, every experience is subjective and therefore, your vision of love and relationships might be very different… but the men I have spoken to struggle with this concept.

In our efforts to be DIFFERENT and not embrace a heteronormative lifestyle, we acknowledge that it exists. In that acknowledgement, we recognize the benefits and the pitfalls and as with anything, we try to pick out the good pieces and discard the rest. For me, it isn't about the differences between a heteronormative lifestyle of a queer lifestyle. Yes, I acknowledge that a heterosexual lifestyle is considered "normal" and there are many areas of the country that are intolerant of a queer lifestyle, but we have to redefine what is normal for us, what is normal for YOU.

1. Internalized Heteronormativity:

a. Unconscious Assimilation: Growing up in a heteronormative society, we internalize certain beliefs and expectations about relationships, roles, and behaviors. This assimilation can influence our perceptions of what constitutes a "normal" relationship, even when it's between two people of the same sex. Because of this we often observe the adoption of traditional gender roles, consciously or unconsciously. This can manifest in dynamics where one partner assumes a more masculine role, while the other takes on a more feminine role, mirroring the societal template.

2. Relationship Milestones and Expectations:

Society has long defined relationship milestones and expectations based on heterosexual norms. Consequently, even in same-sex relationships, we can find ourselves striving to meet these benchmarks, such as moving in together, getting married, or having children. Because this is something we have been classically conditioned to believe is the "correct way of living," the pressure to conform to these norms can lead to feelings of inadequacy or judgment if our relationship does not follow that same course. It's crucial to question whether we genuinely desire these milestones or if we are simply following the script imposed upon us.

3. Policing Masculinity and Femininity:

Within the gay community, we sometimes see a hierarchy based on masculinity, where those who embody more traditionally masculine traits are often given preferential treatment. This can lead to the marginalization or erasure of individuals who do not fit these prescribed ideals. I talked about this in one of my episodes, which talked about the fantasy of sleeping with straight presenting men. Some gay and bisexual men feel pressure to present themselves as "straight-acting" to avoid stereotypes and gain acceptance. This not only perpetuates heteronormative ideals but also denies the beauty and diversity within our community.

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Intro