This episode is about looking inside and healing unresolved issues. Today’s caller, Sarah, went through a breakup and is having a hard time letting it go. We work through how when we don’t have our needs met as children we may fumble with our needs as an adult. If you are not going through a breakup right now you will relate to this conversation if you have ever tried to fix something in your life that was not working.

[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode307]

Often, we attempt to work out our childhood wounds through dating and relationships. Unconsciously, we look for someone like mom or dad and think — oh this feels familiar. And, we confuse familiarity for love. But they are not the same thing. That is why we sometimes feel scared to do unfamiliar things. Because we confuse unfamiliarity with not being safe.

We try to heal our childhood by drawing in people who remind us of it. This creates issue-based relationships that become addictive. We are looking for a relationship to fix the issue rather than doing self-honoring, internal work. When we do the work we avoid attracting those kinds of relationships in the first place.

Sometimes we have the expectation that we have to have a certain personality or be a certain way. When we are in our pain, we do not like the pain and we don’t like ourselves in the pain. And, judgment of ourselves and our process only slows us down. It makes things worse. Healing happens when we accept the phase we are in.

In a relationship, we all need total honesty, trust, loyalty, intimacy, and someone to hear us and see us without gas-lighting us.

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Consider/Ask Yourself

Do you have a hard time letting go of things even when you know you’re supposed to but you just can’t seem to let go?
Did you grow up in a house where you didn’t feel securely attached? Maybe your parents were emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or there was chaos in your house?
Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like the situation itself makes you needier? You look at a relationship, career, or friendship and don’t even recognize yourself because of some of your behaviors.
Do you feel like you have done a lot of work and you have a lot of awareness but you find yourself in the same position over and over?

Sarah’s Question:

Sarah is having difficulty letting go of a relationship and feels like she should be doing better.

Sarah’s Key Insights and Ahas:

Her breakup happened three weeks ago.
She is setting unrealistic expectations.
She felt insecure in the relationship.
She is grasping for the relationship.
Her parents did not meet her needs as a child.
She didn’t feel emotionally safe in the relationship.
She did not feel enough as a child.
She’s done a lot of work and is aware of her parents’ shortcomings.
She continues to repeat past patterns.
She is holding anger and resentment toward her parents.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

Grieve the death of what she wanted her parents to be.
Allow little Sarah to express her hurt and anger.
Ask the universe for the resources to help her heal.
Realize the relationship came in because she is ready to go deeper.

Takeaways:

Go back to the little girl, little boy, or little one inside and allow yourself to get super clear about what you wanted from your parents that you never got and that you are more than likely never ever going to get and allow yourself to grieve it.
Let go of trying to fix a relationship, the way you look, a job, or a friendship. Stop looking out and look in. That is always where the healing is.

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