DL Ep. 23: David Yeager on Parenting Teens: What the Adolescent Brain Really Needs

Parenting teens is hard. We often fall into styles that feel protective but end up making things worse. In our latest Dharma Lab episode, Dr. David Yeager, a leading researcher on adolescent motivation and author of 10 to 25, talks with Richie and Cort about why this happens and how to change it. We also explore the neuroscience of adolescent brains, and how the parenting strategies discussed can mirror how we relate to our own inner experience.

Key concepts from the episode:

* Most parents default to one of two styles (and not the one we need to start embracing more called the “mentor”)

* Enforcer: high demands, low support (“toughen up,” “no excuses”)

* Protector: high empathy, low expectations (removing challenges to avoid distress)Both come from love, and both can unintentionally shut teens down.

* What teens are actually wired to needAdolescents are especially driven by pride, dignity, and respect…and deeply averse to humiliation or shame. When they feel talked down to, they stop listening.

* Why this stage is uniquely hard right nowPuberty is starting earlier than ever, while the brain systems that support emotional regulation won’t fully mature until the mid-20s. This widening gap makes misfires more likely for teens and parents.

* The problem with “grownsplaining”When adults assume their experience makes them the unquestioned expert, teens hear disrespect; even when advice is well-intentioned. That dynamic fuels resistance rather than growth.

* The mentor mindset offers a different pathHigh standards with real support. Less lecturing, more curiosity. Asking questions instead of delivering answers. Allowing discomfort without removing expectations.

* Discomfort isn’t always a sign something is wrongAnxiety, frustration, and even tears can mean a young person is stretching toward something meaningful - not failing. What matters is whether distress comes with support or shame.

* Small tools that make a big difference

* Do-overs: repairing moments when we miss the mark without lowering standards

* Reframing stress: helping kids interpret nerves as a sign of doing something important

* Letting kids resolve conflicts: building independence instead of reflexively intervening

* A surprising takeaway for parentsHow we relate to our children’s struggles often mirrors how we relate to our own inner discomfort. Learning to be a mentor to ourselves matters too.

Some quotes from the discussion:

“I, with a smart adult brain who has survived to at least right now, I must know what I’m doing. And therefore the contents of my logic and reasoning must be accurate and trustworthy... So now I’m just going to export the contents of my thoughts into your ill-formed brain.” - Dr. Yeager affectionately summarizes the prevailing parenting logic.

“What we’re seeing today is really the first time in human history where there’s this really expanded gap between the onset of puberty and the onset of neural mechanisms that facilitate the regulation of emotion, the regulation of thought.” - Richie

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David’s Book 10-25

Complimentary episodes from the archives:

* Real change depends on context, support, and how we relate to difficulty…not sheer discipline:

* What happens when the mind gets stuck, and how curiosity rather than suppression helps us regain agency:

* A deeper look at reflection; not as rumination, but as a skill that helps people learn from experience:

* Why insight changes us, and how it reshapes behavior more effectively than instruction:

Podcast Chapter List:

00:00 – Intro: Why parenting teens affects our own wellbeingWhen things aren’t going well with young people, it deeply impacts parents and caregivers.

01:15 – “Grownsplaining”: why teens stop listeningHow adult certainty and lecturing can feel disrespectful — and shut kids down.

03:35 – Why parents feel stuck between bad optionsControl, lecturing, or stepping back — why none of these approaches really work.

05:45 – What teens are wired to need: dignity and respectWhy shame and being talked down to trigger resistance instead of growth.

08:40 – The puberty–brain gap (why this stage is harder than ever)Puberty is starting earlier, while emotion-regulation circuits mature much later.

11:00 – Parenting styles that backfire: enforcer vs protectorHigh demands with no support — or empathy with no expectations — and why both miss the mark.

13:05 – The mentor mindset: high standards with real supportWhat effective parents, teachers, and coaches do differently.

15:00 – Letting kids work through conflict (stop refereeing)Why solving problems for kids undermines independence and learning.

17:00 – The NBA shooting coach example: how real learning happensWhy elite coaches don’t over-instruct — and how asking “How did that feel?” builds internal guidance.

18:10 – Reframing stress: butterflies mean something mattersHelping teens reinterpret anxiety as readiness, not failure.

22:30 – Why suppressing emotions backfiresWhat kids learn when adults rush to stop tears, anger, or discomfort.

26:30 – Parenting teens mirrors how we treat our own discomfortHow enforcer and protector styles show up in our inner lives too.

30:10 – Mindset science: how meaning shapes motivationFrom growth mindset to stress reappraisal — why interpretation matters.

34:00 – Why teens remember respect (and forget lectures)How wise interventions actually stick over time.

39:45 – Changing the adults, not just the kidsWhy environments and expectations matter as much as individual mindset.

44:30 – Final reflections: mentorship as a lifelong practiceHelping teens grow — and learning to be mentors to ourselves.

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