The Myth of Equal Partnership in Parenting With Darcy Lockman

#119 — The Myth of Equal Partnership in Parenting

Why is it that the burden of childcare, children and the home is so unequally dumped on women's shoulders? Where did this come from? Why is it happening and what can we do about it?

Women have fought for equality in the workplace for a long time. It’s something that is publicly talked about and advocated for and a current movement in today’s society. But what about our not-so-public lives? What about life at home?

For many women, there is nothing as maddening as coming home and realizing that there is the second shift and an incredible amount of work that disproportionately falls on your shoulders. For women across the country, this includes the domestic labor of the home, caring for children and all of the maintenance required from invisible labor to mental load. Some would call this emotional labor to the organizational and the logistical work. Well, it’s enough to drive people crazy, or to divorce.

The hardest part is that once children enter the picture, people who believe that they are in equal partnerships often find that women are the ones that take on the burden of domestic work. Why is this happening? Why isn't it budging and why is it so enraging?

Today we get to have Darcy Lockman on the show to talk about exactly this. Darcy is a former journalist turned clinical psychologist and the author of a book called All The Rage: Men, Women and the Myth of Equal Partnership. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, Psychology Today and Rolling Stone, among others. She lives with her husband and children in Queens.

IN THIS EPISODE WE TALK ABOUT

• How Darcy and her husband entered both their marriage and parenting assuming that all household duties would be shared, but how Darcy nonetheless found herself managing most of her daughter’s needs herself.  
• The role resentment plays in modern parenting as couples enter parenthood assuming parity and find that culturally we’ve never gotten above men carrying 35% of the childcare load.
• Why Darcy decided to utilize her background in journalism and psychology to investigate her frustration with how differently her husband and she lived in their parenting roles.
• What Darcy’s goal for this book is: to draw attention to and move the needle on the amount of unpaid labor mothers do, because, as she notes, it's not without great cost to women’s well-being, potential career success, and earning potential.
• How cultural beliefs undermine potential parental parity from pregnancy with the belief that mother’s have an innate instinct for parenting. Meanwhile, the truth is that fathers and mothers undergo the same hormonal changes during pregnancy and have the same starting aptitude for parenting. 

FULL SHOW NOTES

Get the complete show notes with episode quotes, photos, and time stamps at http://www.startupparent.com/119.

LEARN MORE ABOUT DARCY LOCKMAN   

Darcy Lockman is a former journalist turned clinical psychologist. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, Psychology Today, and Rolling Stone, among others. She lives with her husband and baby daughter in Queens.</