I could have subtitled this episode “Beating Yourself Up for What Didn’t Get Done vs. Celebrating What Did Get Done.”
In other words, when you don’t do it all (and when do we), what do you make it mean?
I want to address this topic relative to three issues: Your job search, your work performance, and your life outside work.
Here’s a typical scenario: You decide to look for a new job. You tell yourself you are going to consistently devote 10 hours a week towards your efforts. You’re going to network, look on LinkedIn…all the things.
The next thing you know, a month has gone by and you’ve made little progress. Work or home life got in the way. You’re just too busy.
Maybe you actually did quite a bit towards your job search – but have no results to show for it.
You have two choices at this point: Give up or regroup. Your choice is largely determined by the story you tell yourself in this moment.
If you tell yourself:
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“No one wants to hire me.”
“I don’t deserve a new job anyway.”
You are going to make a very different decision than if you tell yourself:
“I am going to sit down today and map out a plan for my job search – and calendar it in.”
“I have found jobs before and I can do it again.”
“I let other things get in the way of my job search – but that is in the past.”
Here’s what I am recommending in that moment: Tell yourself the truth – but don’t beat yourself up. Don’t make excuses for what happened (or didn’t happen) – be compassionate and understanding towards yourself.
Next, I recommend that you write out what you HAVE done. Chances are, you have made some progress, so write it out and give yourself the credit due.
The next thing I want you to do is fill up a page with positive things you believe about yourself relative to the situation. For example, if you planned to lose 10 pounds over a three-month period and only lost three pounds, what do you know to be true about you?
-I have lost weight before, so I know I can do it again
-I DID lose three pounds
-I have started to kick my sugar addiction
-I’ve learned how to prepare healthier meals
-I’ve added a lot of plant-based foods in my diet
-I’ve started a walking program
You get the idea. Now you’re focusing on your progress rather than that seven-pound gap.
I also want to address the doing side of this situation, with seven suggestions to increase your chances for success going forward.
#1 – Map out a realistic plan
#2 – Calendar it in
#3 – Check in regularly on your progress (or lack of), and make any necessary changes
#4 – When you encounter an obstacle, find a solution (it’s only failure if you stop trying)
#5 – Get help if/when you feel you need it
#6 – Celebrate your success – and not just at the end
#7 – Adopt IT’s “Lessons Learned” approach
To summarize: When you fail to meet a goal for yourself, it’s important to be kind to yourself and objectively look at the goal and your progress toward it.
-Does the goal need to be revised? Do you need this goal at all? Is the problem with the goal itself, or the timeline you’ve set for that goal?
-What are you making this “failure” mean – and does that meaning support you?
-What do you need to think to increase your chances for success going forward?
-How else can you set yourself up for success going forward?
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