195 | Tim Olson PART 2 - Abandonment, Identity, and Tools to Speak Life to Our Kids

Oct 14, 2021

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Tim Olson

Tim Olson is an author, teacher, Principal. Pastor, and life coach with forays into audio publishing, radio hosting, and home remodeling. His understanding of father-child relationships was fostered through years of observation and application in education, coaching clients around the world, and working with the National Fathering Ministry in Minnesota and Ukraine.

As a business life coach, it was through coaching family business owners that the significant connections between a father and his children (or with his own father) finally gelled into observable patterns that helped form the basis for his coaching and for his book, The Legacy of Absence. Through it all, he's found his way to helping others to discover who they are meant to be and to become that person.

He and his wife, Kay, have been married for 54 years and are blessed with three children, six grandchildren, four bonus grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren. They make their home in New Hope, MN.

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Show Notes:

Text "DAD" to 651-370-8618 to join the dadAWESOME Nudge to become an intentional dad
LINK TO PART 1 of the conversation with Tim Olson
timolsonauthor.com
2:18 - Images from the book: present father, the involved father, the passive father and the absent father

LINKS to the images: https://dadawesome.org/195/

2:49 - "You can be present physically and not present emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. And you know, that's actually even worse." Sharing statistics on risk of pathological behavior in children.
6:05 - Story from Ukraine of two fathers that work out of the home - one is absent, and one is still intentional even though not physically close - and the stark difference in the success of the kids
9:06 - Working with inmates, what do they wish they had from their dads?
10:48 - "We've realized that death is not as bad for kids as being abandoned and just just a dad who's overworking is abandonment. We all abandoned our kids. And every kid, every person has been abandoned to some extent, some so little you don't even recognize it. And we don't realize that that's what it is. We just remember the not being chosen part."
11:34 - Describing the reconciliation process
14:21 - "[Dad's role is] to prepare us to face the world on our own. And so he does that primarily by teaching us four things and developing them in us. And those four things are: self-esteem, confidence, maturity and identity. And identity is perhaps the most important because that describes who we are and whose we are.... These are perhaps the most important words that a father can say, I believe: 'You are mine. You belong to me. I love you.' That's identity."
17:17 - "How we deal with the hurt and wounds of our own father's failures, determines our ability to be good fathers and mothers, you know, to our own children.
17:38 - Quoting Richard Rohr - "If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it."
17:56 - In Louis Meade's book, he says to forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner was me."
26:27 - 4 Things he shared with his kids:
1. 26:32 - "I know that things happened in our relationship that hurt you. I said things and did things that hurt you. Even now, I didn't even know it. And I want you to know that I would never do anything like that on purpose intentionally, but I know it happened. And so I want to ask you to please forgive me for those things."
2. 27:35 - "I am no longer your parent and you are no longer my child. Well, that sounds pretty offensive at first. I said instead, from now on, I am just your father and you are just my son."
3. 29:27 - "It would please me more than anything to continue to be able to speak into your life."
4. 30:15 - "No matter what you do, with your decisions and with your life, good or bad, it will never change how much I love you. That will never change."
33:01 - Quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter."

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