Ep 8: Social Skills & Resilience: Expert Insights to Build a Confident Future

Something we've wanted to explore more deeply on the show is how much of an impact Executive Function skills can have on our social lives. All of those EF challenges that can make aspects of school or home life hard can also really affect how easily we can make friends and our ability to maintain those friendships. To learn more, I sat down with Nadine Briggs - a social skills expert. CEO of Simply Social Kids, and mother of an adult son with ADHD. Nadine joined me to talk about how social skills and executive function skills are connected and how working on them can make a huge difference in our happiness and ability to function in the world. We also dive into the importance of building resilience and explore some practical strategies to develop a mindset that allows us to overcome the inevitable challenges and roadblocks we face in life.

Related Resources

Simply Social Kids - Nadine’s social skills company website

Your Kids Can Achieve Social Success this Summer (With Your Help)!

ConversationHQ - Conversation starter resource

Resilience Training: How to Master Mental Toughness and Thrive

The Social Executive Function Skills That Elude Kids with ADHD

Contact us!

Reach out to us at podcast@beyondbooksmart.com

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Transcript

Hannah Choi 00:04

Hi everyone and welcome to Focus Forward, an executive function podcast where we explore the challenges and celebrate the wins you'll experience as you change your life through working on improving your executive function skills. I'm your host, Hannah Choi.

Something I find very interesting is how interconnected these EF skills are with every single aspect of our lives. We feel their effects at school, at work and at home. If we struggle with organization, our backpacks or kitchen counters might be classified as disaster zones. If our working memory is not strong, we may forget that we have a quiz today or forget to go to the grocery store after we go to the gym. If cognitive flexibility is difficult for us, coming up with an essay topic or figuring out a different way to get to work when the car won't start might feel impossible. And what we mostly read about and hear about is how these EF skill challenges affect our academic performance or affect how we work or manage our homes and families. And something that I wanted to explore more deeply is how much of an impact executive function skills can have on our social lives. All of these EF challenges that can make aspects of school or home life hard, can also really affect how easily we can make friends and our ability to maintain those friendships.

To learn more, I sat down with Nadine Briggs, who is a social skills expert, and also a mom of an adult son with ADHD. Nadine joins me to talk about exactly this, how social skills and executive function skills are connected, and how working on them can make a huge difference in our happiness and our ability to function in the world. Life is short, and it can be a lot more fun with friends. So taking the time to do a little bit here and there to improve our social skills through working on our executive function skills can make a huge difference. Hmm, okay, well, this is easy for me to say as an extrovert. You might be listening to me and rolling your eyes thinking No thanks. I'll just stay at home and snuggle with my Netflix. But hear me out because you introverts might have a partner or kids who have more social needs than you. And this episode is packed full of really useful tips and strategies to help both ourselves and our kids, find more meaningful interactions with people and hopefully make and maintain friendships that enrich our lives. Okay, so onto the show. Hi, Nadine, thanks so much for joining me today.

Nadine Briggs 02:43

Thanks for having me.

Hannah Choi 02:45

Would you like to introduce yourself to our listeners?

Nadine Briggs 02:48

Sure. I'm Nadine Griggs, I'm CEO of Simply Social Kids. And we have a social skills program where we work with ages eight to 28. And we have our in-person groups that are in Tyngsboro, Massachusetts, but we also have an online program for people who are not in our local area. We run weekly social skills groups to help them to make friend connections and just learn how to be more social.

Hannah Choi 03:09

That's great. So I guess through the lens that I'm always looking through is executive function skills, and maybe you know, kids with ADHD, anxiety, high functioning autism, how are those kids empower the social skills of those kids impacted?

Nadine Briggs 03:29

That's exactly who we work with - kids with high functioning autism, ADHD, anxiety, or just general awkwardness. They might not have a diagnosis at all, they just can't quite make friends. And they do struggle a lot. Because a lot of times, they're not able to really figure out how to initiate a social interaction, or they don't know how to get together with people like they want to hang out. And I usually and we'll talk mostly about teenagers today, I think in terms of that's, that's kind of the population that is struggling a lot with this. Because they're, they're no longer relying on their parents to schedule their playdates for them. And so it's really hard. They, they need the help, but they don't really know how to get that help. And they don't know how to initiate. So what often happens with teenagers is they're just alone. And they and they don't know how to get get out of their own way in that, in that sense. They don't know how to schedule time with other people. And some of the parents I've talked to more recently, we've had conversations about how they think that their kids are okay alone. And that's actually not true at all. They're not okay alone. They're really lonely. They just don't know how to initiate getting together with people. Or they might do it and it's a little bit awkward, or they don't have anybody they even know what a call or they're anxious about calling people. You know, a lot of times kids will say to me, he'll say, you know, what do you do over the weekend, they'll say, oh, I didn't do anything. And then they'll say, you know, nobody ever calls me to do anything with them. And I'll always ask them, Well, how many people did you call to do something with and when I flip that script, they always say no one because they just don't know how to really organize that and get that going for them and, and reach out to people. And they, a lot of it is their, their memory like they don't think about it, they forget, if I say, you know, a lot of times I'll write on the on the whiteboard at my center, I'll write up "text somebody on the drive home today". So it's fresh in their minds, or you know, is they don't think about it, and they then they get upset that they don't have anything going on. So it's kind of this lack of, of action that they they struggle with. So that's a huge piece.

Hannah Choi 05:29

Something that you said earlier, makes makes me think about, like you said, so up until the teenage years, or maybe tweens, parents have been the people that have helped them set up playdates and purely just because kids don't have little kids don't have phones, they don't have ways to, you know, to connect with their friends. So they need to use their parents, how can we - What are some things that we can do as parents to help kids shift from a from us, arranging those playdates to them, arranging them?

Nadine Briggs 06:03

This is where smartphones are really helpful for that, you know, one of the things that we suggest to parents a lot is just to create, like a social plan for your kid with your kid, I should say, not for your kid, because when you create a social plan, basically you sit down with your your teen and you say, How often would you like to see people? You know, you might have a kid on the spectrum who's fine with once a month or you know, a couple times a month might be fine. Or maybe when they do get together? It's a shorter amount of time than somebody who didn't have that diagnosis, they get they do get some social fatigue sometimes. So maybe it's a couple hours, rather than a four hour thing? Is it just how often should they get together? And then figure out okay, well, let's let's put something kind of in our minds or on the calendar of every other Friday or every other weekend, we're going to try to do something with people. See, you have that structure of in a month, this is how often I'm going to see people or, or maybe look at the clubs that are offered at their middle schools and high schools and say, Oh, how many of these do you think we should sign up for? And then kind of get again, getting those things on the calendar? You know, I think that's really important to figure that part out, well, how much socialization do we need? And then thinking about it? Who would I socialize with, who's who's kind of my shortlist of people, a lot of times, I'll take a, you just do like a circle within a circle within a circle kind of a diagram. With kids I work with, it's okay, who's in that inner inner circle? Who is in that next circle out that maybe you want to bring into your Inner Inner Circle and kind of create that list of people. So you have a focus of, I'm going to focus on this one to three people rather than, you know, 12 people here to give it something a little bit more manageable for them to focus on those people? And then figure out well, what do they like to do? You know, how do we get together with them? Where do I see them most often? Am I on a sports team with them? Are they in my class? You know, are they in scouts with me, you know, what, where do I see this person, and then start to figure out how you can spend time with that person and share like interest with them. So kind of chunking it down into smaller pieces, just like you would do with academic stuff, or executive functioning right and make it feel more manageable. If it's if it's too much, if you're trying to be friends with like everybody at the lunch table, rather than just the people on either side of you, that's when that anxiety can kick in. And once that happens, then they start to act out a little bit, they might either they might shut down. Or they might get overly silly, he might want to try to be really funny and humorous, and really show off he kind of thing. And when that happens, that puts people off too. And so when that starts to kick in, we get all sorts of things happen. And so we're trying to keep them them calm and just, you know, think about it more in a more organized fashion. And they just to be more deliberate in those ways, I think, yeah, right.

Hannah Choi 08:53

I had never really thought about that. Like, this is sounds silly. Again, it's switching gears a little bit to adults, but like my husband and I have very opposite social demands, needs. Like I'm very social, and he prefers to not socialize as much. And so I love that idea of sitting down and kind of breaking down like, well, this is what I need. And this is how I can reach that. And this is what you need and how you can reach that. So I imagine with within families that, that that does happen a lot, but between kids and parents and between siblings as well. So maybe everyone sitting down and doing a social plan and seeing how the family plans can fulfill that need for some people. And and maybe family plans won't fulfill that need for one of the kids and they need to have additional, like additional social interaction with friends or I mean

Nadine Briggs 09:46

you bring up a great point too, because a lot of the the apples don't fall too far from the tree sometimes. And so you might have parents who are really not that social. In here you have a kid who's not that social and they don't have any more of an idea how to help their child with socialization because they're not particularly social people. And that's where it you know, obviously having a social skills coach and getting some outside help can really be beneficial because they don't know how, and they don't know what's getting in their way.

Hannah Choi 10:12

Right? That's so interesting. Yeah. And so if their parents aren't comfortable with it themselves, and they're not going to be, it's going to be difficult for them to help

Nadine Briggs 10:22

Their kids don't have that role model. They don't if their parents don't have friends over for barbecues and things on the weekend, they're not seeing that, how that should look Yeah. So they're not really getting that in the home. Right. So they may be getting that at school. It depends who they're hanging out with at school, if that's a good role model, and maybe not a good role model.

Hannah Choi 10:42

Yeah, that's so interesting. I was just talking with my niece the other day, and we were asking her, and she doesn't have any siblings, and we're asking her how she felt about school ending. And she said that she was glad it was ending, because you know, it's tiring, school is tiring. She's in fifth grade. But then she said, but I'm going to be lonely, because I'm not going to be able to be with my friends all the time. And so and, and her mom is not she is a social person, but she's not super social. So I, I imagine that, that it's, yeah, I don't know, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here.

Nadine Briggs 11:19

It still might be a little bit on her to kind of say, Yeah, I'd like to meet some friends at the park or go to a, you know, an amusement park or mini golf. And, you know, in all those things in the summer, which are great ways to get together with people. But yeah, it is, it's very difficult if the parent isn't that social. And like I always suggest to parents to kind of think about where you might go, and then invite a bunch of people to join you at that date and time. And you might go and no one shows or you might go and maybe a few people come a park or something just saying we're going to be there's a park called Friendship Park near us and thinking about friendship. So it comes to my Friendship Park, you know, three o'clock on Saturday, you know, who wants to come and you hope you other kids will be there. But then you don't really have that pressure of, I've asked this one person and me. So they could just show up at the same time. I used to do that a lot with my kids when they were little, like so we're all going to go to the movies at this time on this day. Who wants to come with us? You know, we're going to be in this we're going to be in this row. That was before you had to really Yeah, exactly. No know, but then that we would just other people like, yeah, we'll meet you there, you know, and it would took a little bit of the pressure off of, you know, inviting those individual person and then having them reject you.

Hannah Choi 12:35

Yeah, right. I love that. And I love what you what you said about how you can use like the same skills that you use to break down academics into smaller chunks, you can apply that to social skills. So what are some other ways that kids can work on, maybe not work on their executive function skills, but use their emerging executive function skills to support their social skill development?

Nadine Briggs 13:01

You know, one of the big issues is the the memory challenge. A lot of these guys don't have great memory. And, and that's a problem because you think about when you socialize with somebody, let's say you're gonna go to, you're gonna go to the market, you're gonna bump into somebody you haven't seen in several months. Right away, you're gonna go, your mind is gonna go okay, what do I know about this person? What I know about their life? What is the last time I saw them? What was going on with them? And you're filtering that out? Geez, what was the thing that I just last knew about them? And you might have maybe their kids studied abroad, or you know, to ask, Oh, how was Italy or something, you'll remember those things. Kids who have that, that challenge. They don't necessarily remember those things about people. So they don't know how to find that information about that person, retrieve it, and come up with it. And so, a lot of times what we'll do, if that's a random example, that you're going to bump into somebody at the market, but if you're going to get together with somebody you haven't seen in a while, spend some time deliberately thinking about what you remember about that person. Give yourself that opportunity to say, All right, I'm gonna get together with Susie, what do I know about Susie? Susie just got a new puppy. You know, last time I saw her. Okay, well, let's ask about the puppy. Those types of things. So I think they need to think about some of that stuff before they go. And then sometimes even to, to prepare them for socializing. They can put a few little notes in their phone and the contact for that person likes Fortnight, you know, just got a puppy, whatever information they have about that person. Now they have to remember to put the note in the phones. So we can have that challenge. Yeah, that is a great way to have just a couple little things. I'm not gonna put a big dossier on the person your phone, there's a couple little things about them, and then even go through like a conversation starter website. There's one that we like called Conversation HQ. And I'll see the kids just scroll through the conversation starters on conversation HQ. And don't ask them verbatim and say "where do you where would you be five years from now?" or whatever it is, like, look through them and find one that is something you might actually say. Or maybe it triggers something that you can change it to something you'd actually say. So it's not that you're going to sit there. And you're basically, you know, interview the person with all these conversation starters, you're going to just kind of get ideas for what you might want to talk about. And then you use it in your own words, using your own language so that it's more natural for you. And it's something that you'd actually say, but you have those topics in your head. Right, like, like it, let's say they love nature. And we had a, I don't know, the meteor shower the other night, which it was cloudy where I was, and then we got to see it. And let's say that, you know, you've had that conversation with somebody, they also like space, right? You could say, "Hey, you happen to catch the meteor shower." "Oh, it was cloudy near me." Did you happen to see it? Or do you think there's life on other planets, you start to get in a conversation perhaps like that, if that's something you know, that they like, I wouldn't just randomly walk up to somebody, and say "Do you believe in life on other planets?" But if that's your thing, you just start so they go through and you might scroll, scroll through a lot of them before you have some that are something you like. And if you think you'll forget, put a couple little notes in your phone. And on the drive there, review some some of the notes that you have about that person to help spark those memories for them.

Hannah Choi 16:17

It reminds me of like test prep, right, like getting ready for tests, prior knowledge and like doing a little research. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. It actually reminds me, I remember my husband once. He was he said to me, oh, yeah, I was just thinking, we're getting together with so and so you know, tonight or whatever. And so he was he was trying to remember like, what sports teams that that person liked. And he was reading up on the articles about the those teams.

Nadine Briggs 16:52

Yeah, it helps. Because then you're, then you feel less anxious. And you might not end up even talking about sports. But that helps your anxiety. Yeah, kind of, you're in check. You feel more prepared that you've I mean, I believe because I'm a very social person, I'm a lot, My husband and I are a lot like you and your husband. I'm the social one. He said, "you just saw people, do you really need to see people again?"

Hannah Choi 17:12

Yes, yes, I do.

Nadine Briggs 17:14

You know, but I don't even do that. If I'm gonna go to a barbecue where maybe I only know the people hosting it. And I might know of the other people and seeing them in a while, or I know them, but I'm not really friends with them. And we're just more acquaintances, you know, I will do the same thing and start to think what do I know about that person? What is last time I saw them? What are some things I might be able to talk to that person about and prepare myself so that I don't feel uncomfortable going to a place where I don't really know that many people? So I think it's a pretty good strategy and for, for kids with executive functioning challenges, I think that it calms their anxiety and it prepares them with some topics, and they can even make some notes in their phone and just go to the bathroom and review. me look at my notes on some kids might do. It's I work with, you have to tell them to not necessarily, yeah, do it verbatim, or they write a little bit black and white in their thinking and a little bit literal. So you have to tell them, it just wouldn't just go to the bathroom and take a look at your notes in there. Don't do it in front of the person. Yeah, believe it or not, that's one of the things we need to do is just connect those dots that are obvious to other people aren't necessarily obvious to the people that we work with. So we have to say things that aren't normally said out loud, like things like that.

Hannah Choi 18:25

Right? Right. But how wonderful that you're teaching the kids that and because if they're if they don't have anyone in their life that either feels comfortable telling them that or it just doesn't, they just don't know what to tell them that then then that's, that's so great. And I'm sure that they feel comfortable with you telling them that because you've created a safe space and, and they're, you know, they're

18:48

That relationship with the kid is really important, because we are the ones if they tell a joke that's not funny, you know, we're not going to do the polite laugh. Yeah. And that's what most people will do is it's my job to not do the polite laugh. And to tell you why that feels funny, because most people will do that, especially if they're feeling uncomfortable. They, you know, the social norm is to just laugh a little bit and hope they stop talking about the thing that's, you know, that's creepy, or whatever the topic is that they're talking about. And, you know, it's, it's our job to say, that's not a great thing to talk about with your friends. And so you do have to have a good relationship with somebody before you can be that brutally honest with them. Yeah. Right. And, and then they know that what the role is to it, they know that all our goal is is to help them make those connections so they can have those deep, meaningful friendships and not be lonely anymore. Yeah. And so once they know that, and that's what our motivation is, and they take it really well. I mean, they're great about it, and they, they do apply it to their lives. Sometimes they need to be reminded because they do have difficulty sometimes taking it on themselves taking responsibility for what they do. And so a lot of times we'll preface it by saying, are you ready to take what I'm about to tell you and apply it to your own life? Sometimes if we just prime them with that, then you get that buy in Yes, I'm about to take what you say and apply it to my own life, then that then you they're ready to receive what you're saying and really take it in. In sometimes that's needed for some kids.

Hannah Choi 20:17

And we do that with coaching to write like you like, you always just have to meet someone where they are. And you have to find out like, like, are you ready for this? Is this Yeah? Is this something that like you said, are you ready to take it on? So how can so so your you know, your, the social skills work that you do with your clients happens, like, like, they take that with them home, and they practice it, practice it at home, I'm sure how can parents support their kids that are that might be socially awkward, and might need to be working on these skills.

Nadine Briggs 20:51

Yeah, they practice it in our program, too, which I think is a big piece of it, because we coach them in the moment. So we teach them and then they get to, they hang out with other people their age, that they practice it there. So for parents, you know, there's an education for a lot of them, if they're, if they're naturally social, they're probably already coaching their kids quite well, because they know how to be social. If they're not, though, and they tend to be a little bit awkward. Either leave it to the professionals, or, or study up on it, there's a lot of really great books, there's a lot of, you know, good podcasts, and there's different resources and, and take that on as something that they need to educate themselves on. And they might need to look at all the different types of things that we would coach on, like conversation skills, flexibility, you know, perspective taking, not trying to control what other people do. And that's a biggie, and all the different pieces that go into socialization and figure out what are the things that your their kids struggle with the most, and then study those things, and help them with those things. Because again, trying to tackle everything at once is really hard. Social skills is vast, there are so many different pieces to socialization. And we coach on social skills, but also resiliency. And that's a whole other big topic of that. But I think they need that as well, because they do get some level of rejection in their lives. And they need to be able to bounce back from that. But they have to study up on it, and then help them apply it to their own lives and even have them apply, have the parents become more social too

Hannah Choi 22:15

Yeah, it might even help and might help them might help the parents.

Nadine Briggs 22:19

It's funny. We have a parent support group that we run for people who are enrolled in our program, they're welcome to come on every week for an hour. And we've had people come on who make friends with other people, as parents, and I'd had I'd one day I had this dad come sit at my desk and the nicest funniest dad, he's such a great guy, I mean, of all the people you want to be friends with, and you'd want to go out and have a beer with this guy. He's just that person. And he sat at my desk. And he said, Nadine, I gotta tell you, I don't have any friends. Oh, and it broke my heart. Of all the people in my program of all the parents who would have friends, it would be this guy. It's like, I feel I feel jealous of my wife. She's got friends from college, and they go what every Friday night and, and I sit home and my kids a teenager, and he's, he's in his room. And he doesn't talk to me and sit there by myself. But you know, we talked about how he could get out and you join like, the Lions Club or Kiwanis, or get involved in community service and, and get himself out there to meet people and socialized you, which is also going to give you know more of a role model for his kid who needed that.

Hannah Choi 23:26

Hmm. So was he able to?

23:28

He did, he did, he actually became friends with another dad, in our program. So we had before the pandemic, we had a parent waiting room, where they were able to socialize. And that was good for the parents to make friends with each other. And actually, what used to happen then, too, is I would go back and I would tell them what we did in the group, the lesson that we taught to all of the parents and they would talk about it themselves. Now we have to write a summary because I'm not allowing as many people in the building, but they still they get the lessons that we do in person that we tell them what we did and what we coached on. So then they can carry that forward with their kids. And they're using the same language and all of that, because they have it all in a written report every week. Yeah.

Hannah Choi 24:08

So something you said earlier, it makes me realize, but it really is so clear how connected executive function skills are to social skills, like the perspective taking and cognitive flexibility and emotional regulation. Those are really, really tied together. So I guess, I guess when kids are practicing working on their social skills, they are going to naturally end up working on executive function skills. And do you think the reverse happens like when kids work specifically on executive function skills, maybe in school or with a coach like if they're in executive function coaching, do you think then it then has a positive impact on their social skills?

Nadine Briggs 24:47

I absolutely do because you think about just even just taking like tasks and initiation. One of the biggest struggles with the kids that I work with is just going over to somebody and starting a conversation, right? They don't know how to do that. And so they tend not to do that. And even getting together, like I said, you know, here comes summer with all this fun stuff to do, let's say they all want to go to like an amusement park, you know, being able to kind of figure out all the details around that, and get that off the ground. So they actually go and it actually happens, you know, they're, they're using all kinds of executive functioning skills for that. So some of the kids I work with, I actually have a, an event planner that I give them, it's like this one pager and it's like our parents involved, well, how much time is going to be needed? Who's going to drive? Who am I inviting? Here's the website, what do you do if there's rain? You know, is there a plan B, like all of these details, in an event planner, and again, I have to say to them, you use the event planner, with your parents, you don't tell your friends that used an event, right to figure out how to go to amusement park, yeah. But those things are really, really very helpful to them. Because those are the details that they have a lot of trouble with. They don't know how to do all of that and figure out a day at a time and especially when parents are involved, and you're going to have a big group that goes, all of those things are really difficult for them. But yes, I think they, they learn and as you know, as kids get older, and they do start to learn, and they practice those executive functioning skills. It gets better as they get older. Right? Yes. And I see that with my own son, he's 22. Now he's almost 23. And he has ADHD, and for sure, his executive functioning has gotten much, much better as a young man than it was certainly when he was a teenager in middle school. Right? Socially and academically,

Hannah Choi 26:30

Yeah, all of those, all of those more advanced executive function skills are really just starting to emerge, at the same time that kids are starting to crave that independence and wanting to be friends have friends and interact outside of their parents. So that's this kind of an interesting crossover time where they're craving that independence, but they're also not really consistent yet, with all of those executive functions,

26:57

Righ, and teenagers get can get very upset if parents try to help them with their executive functions. There's a thing about it that's very triggering,

Hannah Choi 27:07

Right? I was actually just going to say that what I love about that event planner is that it, it gets the parent out of it. So that, that we see this a lot like it actually, when I was in my conversation with Fran, we were talking about how, when you can get yourself out of an executive function or a social skills challenge, like friction, then it can help your relationship with your child, it also gives your kid such a great opportunity to really develop those things independently, and practice those skills independently. But the event planner worksheet has all the things that they really need to be considering to have a safe and fun experience. That and those are all the things that a parent would say, like don't forget this. Don't forget that. Don't forget that. But then the parent doesn't have to because the event planner, maybe the parent just has to remind this their kid to use the event planner, but they don't have to say like well, you know, what are all the details?

Nadine Briggs 28:11

Exactly? Yeah. And they're gonna forget them anyway, even if they did,

Hannah Choi 28:14

Right. It's gonna be written down. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh, like I would love to work on that. You know, like use like I'm just thinking about like coaching like how how what an awesome activity to do in an executive function coaching session is to work on an event planning activity because

Nadine Briggs 28:35

Yeah, the kids that work on that all their friends benefit greatly from that time because I'm putting together all these events I'm doing the apple picking and the go visit the castle. And you know, and there's one young woman that I work with, and like her friends had it made, they were doing all kinds of stuff. They were going to Boston and they were shopping and be-bopping around Faneuil Hall and it was because I'm like I'm on the other end, you know with that event planner, saying "mom dad can they do this you?" know and then the other friends are just getting invited. They're like this is great. They don't have to do anything!

Hannah Choi 29:10

I love that and then and then the child who's who's arranging it gets such satisfaction now just seeing all her friends having fun and and having like I made this happen I did this. someone who like I bet there's ton of a ton of opportunities for them to see evidence like to look back on - like a year ago, I I could not have done this and now when I'm going to Fanueil hall with my girlfriends.

Nadine Briggs 29:37

Well the thing about that too is those experiences are so important because those are the bonding things right like when you're I was talking to a family last night they live out in like the Chicago area and I'm working with their their teen. And it's like you know when you let's say you have an ice cream social at your house, right and you have you know, the chocolate and vanilla and all these different things. When the kids start throwing marshmallows at each other. They're, and they're belly laughing over like, what somebody's got hit me I and all those little things that happen when you when you create those moments, and that's that bonding stuff obviously "if you belly laugh with somebody, you're pretty much gonna be friends for life". Yes. Those experiences where you had a little food fight and it was harmless and maybe one you know, fell under something and we had an ant problem six months later and mom got all upset that was totally worth it. Teenagers love that stuff. So then they then they remember that or they see a marshmallow and go, "remember this?", you know, and then all of a sudden, they're all laughing again. So it's, that's the stuff that really bonds them in that meaningful way. Those types of things. And that's why it's so important to create those moments in or have them create the moments eventually, when they're old enough to do it, and have the executive function skills to do it. So that stuff happens for them. Because that's, that's the bonding stuff. That's what creates lifelong friendships. Right?

Hannah Choi 30:56

I love that. It reminds me of something that my sister was telling me that she heard about was like, there's like three types of fun, like, type one fun, which is, I don't know, I'm gonna get them wrong. But one of one of the funds is where you end up in like a flow state where you you'd like lose track of time, you don't notice the passage of time and your belly laughing and you're just like, totally in it and having so much fun. And I think that's probably where like, not inside jokes come from, but, you know, like, just share these like shared common experiences that that kids like, like you said, like they find a marshmallow and everyone burst out laughing. Just seeing a marshmallow. And from an outsider perspective, you're like, what's so funny about a marshmallow?

Nadine Briggs 31:36

Right, exactly. Yeah, that's the bonding stuff. Those are those are the those are the really precious moments.

Hannah Choi 31:42

Yeah. And so if you, if you if it's, if it's challenging for you to get into social to create those social opportunities for you, then you're not good, then you're going to miss out on that. So I love that what good work you're doing. It's so wonderful.

Nadine Briggs 31:59

It's so much fun. Yeah, it's

Hannah Choi 32:01

fun with the kids. So I have, like, I'm gonna disc kind of repeating myself, but I'm just thinking about as a coach for executive function skills, a lot of the work that our coaches do is on academics, because you know, that's what kids spend a lot of their time doing. But then when we move into the summer months, it's a great opportunity to work on other things. So like that event planner is a good idea. Do you have any other ideas that that kids could work on during the summer?

Nadine Briggs 32:30

I like things, like socializing, I like things that are out in the community, because you can go to the thing, and you can leave when you're ready to leave. When you're, when you're at someone's house, there's pressure to, you need to make sure you have enough that entertains that person and there's going to be a drop off and a pickup time, that's going to be set. And what if you're done and there's 45 minutes left of your time, that can feel awkward and uncomfortable. And so you don't want to have negative social experiences, you want to have positive social experiences. So like at my center, there's actually a ice cream stand that's one mile down the road. And I say to kids all the time, my team groups is like into their parents, like bring an extra five bucks, and go get an ice cream. At this place. It's a mile down the road. And I know there's kids who go every time every single week after group, they go with their parents. But that way you go you have an ice cream, you're there for half an hour, you socialize for a bit, or maybe you're there longer if you're having good conversation, it's up to you at that point, and you leave when you're ready to leave. That's great. So those it anytime that you're doing something that you're you have that as a conversation topic. So you're going to an amusement park, and you can talk about your favorite rides and things you like things you don't like, what are you going to get for lunch? What prizes Do you want to try to win? There's all these these points of conversation that you can have when you do that. Or if even if you go bowling or a mini golf or anything like that bumper boats, those types of things that are available in the summer, then then you can talk about the golfing, right. Oh, look at that shot. Oh, I can't believe I got in the water that time and you have those things to help them to connect and bond over. It's a lot harder. When you're just someone's at your house. And you're you'll have to have conversation with them the whole time. And you've got to find things that entertain them the whole time is a lot more pressure. Yeah, that's so interesting. If you for adults, you think about you go out with another couple and you sit there at dinner. Yeah, you have to talk topics for that whole time at dinner, right? So if you go out to dinner with somebody new, you might be a little anxious because you're like, oh gosh, what if we run out of stuff to say before the check comes?

Hannah Choi 34:39

Maybe just drinks?

Nadine Briggs 34:41

Exactly. For apps

Hannah Choi 34:45

So in our basement, we when we refinished our basement and when the kids were little we were trying to decide what to do with the space. And and I said we're saying let's just leave it open and so we have like, like a Big beanbag, and we have swings that hang from the joists. And just like a lot of like gross motor fun things. And so when my, my friends have kids over, and I can tell they're like, it's kind of like, they're not really sure what to do, obviously go downstairs and play, you know, if they haven't already gone down. And it's fun to like, have just something to be silly with. So I imagine, you know, like going to the park or I don't know, like going for a walk or something where you're being physical is can kind of give you something to do with your body while you're trying to talk.

35:38

Yeah, this air hockey table that is at our center is enormous. Because when we think about this awkward teenage boy, let's say he's 14 and he walks in. He's anxious, he's socially awkward. He doesn't know anybody. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know any of the staff. He doesn't know any of the kids and he walks into a room with like, 10 other kids. Wow. That's a that's an ask. Yeah, that's a big ask. So when they walk in, I mean, obviously, we're there to greet them and everything. But one of the things I love them to do is to start playing air hockey. That's because then you're actively engaged in a social, you know, item, basically your game. Yeah, but you don't really have to talk.

Hannah Choi 36:12

Yeah. And it's one on one.

Nadine Briggs 36:15

One on one or two on two. Yeah. And you can talk about the shot, you can talk about a good shot, you know, we're almost got that one in. And then you already have that conversation starter right there. But you're engaged without just standing there awkwardly waiting for somebody to come talk to you. Yeah, you know, it's such a nice way to break in. Now. I do have to watch that table to make sure they don't stay at the table we can. There are some kids who will do that. And I have to say I need you to branch out from the table and go do something. I've tried something else. But yeah, we watch it. But it's a great way for them to start because they're again, they're busy, They're engaged. They're socializing, but they don't have to say too much yet.

Hannah Choi 36:53

That's great. So that makes that leads into a really good question that I have for you is, where do you start? Like if, like, where's a great place to start for someone who is struggling socially?

Nadine Briggs 37:05

Well, like I said, I would start with that plan, that social plan. And I would figure out what are what are their biggest hang ups for socialization is? Is it anxiety? Is it conversation skills? Is it that they don't have access to people that they would be friends with? Do you need to go join scouts or a youth group? Or you know, get yourself out there in some other way? So kind of narrow down? What is it we need? Do we need to work on anxiety? Do we conversation skills, do we need to find your people and they are way down that way and start start that way and the lowest lowest hanging fruit, you know, who is who are your people, and let's go find them and then start to ingratiate ourselves to those people, it kind of depends on the kid. There are some kids who who don't even realize even as teenagers, that they need to put themselves physically near someone else. Even in my center, I'll have a bunch of kids playing air hockey, and they're all watching the air hockey and one kid on the other side of the room. He doesn't necessarily understand that the signal you're giving is that you don't want to really be friends with people, when really it's your anxiety, just stand with everybody else. Put your body there and and be in that group, you know, those types of things. So that's where I would start is just to kind of break down? Where do we think the biggest issue is, and then if they need social coaching, and they need an intervention of some sort to seek that out, I think this summer, you know, we're, we're crazy busy this summer, I think because it is such a good time to get people kind of caught up, you know, from the pandemic, you know, a lot of people felt like they lost a couple years. And so this is an opportunity for them to just focus on the skills, and you know, things that they might not have been able to work on for the last couple and get ready for the next school year. You know, so if they're not able to do it, if the parent is kind of lost, and they don't know how to narrow down that list of friends and figure out where the problem spots are, and either study it up on their own, or get some outside help to do better with those areas that are making it difficult for them, you know, get help to do that so that their kids are moving forward, particularly teenagers, teenagers developmentally start to separate from their parents from at about age 11 ish, so that they can eventually leave the nest when they're right after high school. And when they start to separate from parents, they need to be able to latch on to peers. And if they don't have that peer group, they're just kind of floating out there without being tethered to anything. And that that's what that concerns me because they do need tethering to other teens. And they need to find that place where they're okay. They're accepted there. They belong. So it's really important for parents to find that. Otherwise, they're very unsettled. And you might even find that they don't want to pursue anything outside of high school, they want to stay home and we don't we don't want to have that basement of yours be used for a 35 year old. No, no, no. So right. You want you want that separation, you know, and so you have to help that happen because developmentally they they really crave and need that to be able to become a functional adult. Yeah, so it's critically important that they find that. And, you know, it's, it can be really difficult if somebody has super unique interests and all these other things. So you really have to help them find their way, one way or the other, if they can't do it, get outside help to help them do it.

Hannah Choi 40:18

Yeah. And I imagine as parents, I mean, it's, it's hard enough to, to let your kid you know, start to move away from you and out into the world when you when you're confident about your child's social skills. So I imagine that, that for parents whose kids do struggle with social skills, it is even harder to to, to support that or allow that to happen. And to do it's almost like you're like pushing them out of the nest.

Nadine Briggs 40:50

But well, I always say prepare them for whatever their next big phases. So if they're, if they're in elementary school, you're preparing them for middle school, you're in middle school, you're preparing for high school, when you're in high school, you're preparing for whatever's after high school. And if after high school is college for you, you have to be ready to live in a dorm. And so when you think unless you're going to commute or whatever, if you're gonna live in that dorm, you're gonna be just a few feet away from some other person you don't know. And you might even be in a forced triple and a little tiny room. That's a lot of socialization and connectedness to other people that you may or may not do well at. And so that can really affect kind of how you are over your overall well being if you're not able to do well in those settings. So I always look at if you're in middle school, and you're super socially awkward, let's get on it now, and get you ready for you know, if you if you think you're a college bound person, or even if you're not, you're even in the military, they have lived in close quarters. If you're working with people, you decide to go to trade school and you go to work, you know, a job, you need to still be able to get along with people, right? You know, and even in your first jobs, you know, when you're old enough to work, a lot of times your boss is maybe a power hungry teenager. That's right, you're not necessarily going to have some 40 year old seasoned manager knows how to handle you're right, you're gonna get somebody who's maybe not that great at managing people and in their own communication skills around your employment. Yeah, you know, those are all challenges they need to be ready for. So it is really important to get on all of these soft skills as best we can early as possible so they can be more competent.

Hannah Choi 42:29

Yeah, those transitions are huge. And I and I think it's, it can be difficult to be that forward thinking when you're in the middle of, you know, the, the difficulty of high school or the you know, the, the the challenges of middle school, it can be hard, it can be hard to be so forward thinking and but it sure does help if you're able to, I know that's something that we coaches work a lot a lot on is like the transition transitions, yeah, transition from from school to work, or from school to college and working on all the associated executive function skills that come with that and turns out there's a whole bunch of social skills, too.

Nadine Briggs 43:09

Finding your voice, finding your confidence, you know, if someone says something to you being able to kind of report back or say something back to them that feels comfortable to you. And those types of things are important, like I that one of the young women I work with, she's super shy, and people will say things like, Oh, I can't believe she talked, you know, and I tell her I say yeah, I did. Yeah, just like of course I did. I did that like, Yeah, you bet I did! you know, to get her from oh my gosh, I can't believe they said that, too. Yeah, I did is a journey, you know, and but by the time they're done with high school, we want them to be in the Yeah, I did. And yeah, I am, you know, here I am worlds, you know, are you ready for me and have that kind of confidence in themselves. And then that takes time to build that up if they don't have that now and then so it's a it's a process to get there.

Hannah Choi 44:01

And it takes a lot of being brave and putting yourself out there and being vulnerable and trying new things, which is super scary. And I'm sure that the kids that come to you are so grateful for for what you do and the parents of the kids too, because it is so scary to try new things and to have a coach or you know, some kind of support person along with for the ride is invaluable

Nadine Briggs 44:25

yeah, we need to have resiliency is huge. The Resiliency is huge. You need to be able to work through these things and if they don't go your way. Yeah, you need to be able to find the silver linings on things.

Hannah Choi 44:37

Gold directed persistance gotta stick with it.

Nadine Briggs 44:40

You do, you do and it's all you got to train your brain to think that way. And so there's a lot of things we do to teach them how to do those exercises to get your brain in the right frame of mind around all of this. Yeah.

Hannah Choi 44:54

It's it's just, I just wish that I could give For every child, all of the things that they need, you know, I wish that every child could every parent could know about, you know, these kinds of support and get access to them. And it's wonderful to be able to do that.

Nadine Briggs 45:12

I agree, if you try to get the word out there as best you can, and you know, shout from the rooftops and hope that they hear you, you know, because it is so important, and it's life-changing stuff. And, you know, there should be a focus on academics. I know there is a big focus on academics, but this other stuff is just so so important, too. Yeah. And it's not enough to be smart. You need to have these other skills as well.

Hannah Choi 45:33

I do think that there is more, more conversation about it these days. And like we were talking, before we got on about the pandemic has created more opportunities to talk about challenges that people have, and more people are more open to being flexible. So I guess that's one good benefit about side benefit of the pandemic, is allowing these conversations to happen more.

Nadine Briggs 45:35

Absolutely. I mean, you know, I tend to be more of an optimistic person, I look at the silver lining of things. And honestly, with the pandemic, we went online. Yeah. And had we not, I mean, we serve kids from, you know, 11 different states and get kids from Canada. Yeah. They make friends. Yeah, we have a kid in Florida, I was friends with the kid and Long Island. And, and you know, and that never would have happened before. And so you have to look at those things, as difficult as creating a whole new program online was, you know, when it worked in the end, I mean, there were some bumps, so we had to figure things out. But you got to look at the silver lining of things, no matter what you're faced with and focus your brain on the things that are going well, versus the things that don't go well.

Hannah Choi 46:45

And what a great attitude to go into learning social skills with, you know, you can look for the little tiny thing, little tiny win that you have that you know that you weren't able to do yesterday, I said hi to somebody, and yesterday, I couldn't even look at them.

Nadine Briggs 46:58

So yeah, exactly, exactly.

Hannah Choi 47:02

That's great. So what are you excited about or looking forward to in the field of social skills development for kids?

Nadine Briggs 47:10

I am really excited that in the social skills development, that there is a really big movement on teaching the resiliency piece of things. I think that's a really big missing element to it. But what it what it is, it's more with this kind of building the muscles in your mind that are focused on things that are going well, versus the things that are not going well. So it's kind of like if you're thinking if you're focusing on the woe is me all the time, though, that's the the firings in your brain that are going to they're going to solidify for you. If you're thinking about the things that go well, those are going to be the things that you bring that get the most strength, it's kind of like going to the gym and lifting weights, right? You, you want to lift your optimism weights and not your negative weight, like that has some has some weight. Yeah. And so we do that with kids all the time. And like if I hear from from a parent, so for example, I have this one kid whose parent will email me and say, Oh, my gosh, the change in my kid, I hear him when we carpool with other people making conversation now in the backseat with the kid, rather than just being quiet the whole ride. The next time I see that kid, I'll go, I heard you're a rock star on those carpooling trips, and that you're now making conversation with people where you didn't used to make conversation before. And I'm really impressed by that. So by saying that to him, he's all like, oh, wow, like, I, she's reinforcing what I'm doing. I'm really taking what she taught me and doing it, she sees me. And that encourages him to do it even more not to mention the fact that he's made a connection with that person. So it's all that kind of stuff. Like I'll say things to kids, like, I'm really impressed by you, or I like the way you think. People never get told they like the way they think. So there's little, there's little phrases and things like that, that that are, they're just embedded into the into how we interact with people. We do things with kids, we have these things called "I CAN" cans. And basically like I'll take like a Crystal Light container that has those those packets in it, you know, that plastic container when it's all gone. And we'll put like, colorful paper around it and just say "I Can" on it. And, and so those are a nice little tool for parents to use in their homes. It's probably from a little bit more for your younger kids than teenagers. But just you know, the things that you can do, like, you know, I can do this, like I know, I can get my homework done on time, or I can be a good friend of somebody who's sad. And when they see evidence of the things they're doing well, right, you put the little note, you can do this and you put it in the can. And it's like it's kind of like never giving an empty compliment to somebody. Yeah, you saying like, Oh, you're such a nice person. Now you're such a nice person. Because when I saw this kid struggling with how to play that game, you'd pull them aside and you explained it to him with a lot of patience. That that's a that's a loaded compliment where I'm telling this person exactly why I'm saying they're a good friend. I'm not just saying it because I want to say something Nice, I'm saying it because I mean it. And here's the evidence that I saw, that shows me what a good friend you are to that person. And so that that's the power of that sort of thing is like, you're not just, you're not just blown fluff at somebody, you do have an evidence based reason for saying what you're saying to them. And I think that's really powerful for them, because they can really latch on to that, and it doesn't feel like left to them, it feels really meaningful. And then you're gonna get more of the same from that person, because it was acknowledged in a really positive way.

Hannah Choi 50:31

Right? That's so great. Well, I hope that continues to be used in in schools and different environments where kids are over the coming year.

Nadine Briggs 50:44

And I think that's the challenge schools are overwhelmed. So you say, oh, let's bring in you know, positive education and resiliency training and well being it that that's the challenge right now, I think, to the, to the people who are really interested in spreading the word about this stuff. That's, that's the challenge is that it almost needs to come from the children. And I think that's, that's programs like mine, where we're teaching it, and then they're showing other people the power of it, like a little army of Optimists out.

Hannah Choi 51:15

Well, that's something that I've talked about on the podcast before and just something that, you know, as a coach, I try, like, my, my ultimate goal is that my clients will go out and into the world and, you know, share what they've learned in their coaching sessions and, and help others with their own executive function, skill development. So it's the Yeah, same idea. And I'm sure that, you know, just like we as parents model things for our kids, our kids can model the model for their friends.

Nadine Briggs 51:43

So it's sometimes for their parents.

Hannah Choi 51:45

And yes, that's right. Yeah, right.

Nadine Briggs 51:49

I have a six year old who is who sometimes will, social coach his mom.

Hannah Choi 51:54

Great. I love it. Well, thank you so much. This has just been fascinating.

Nadine Briggs 52:01

I thank you for having me.

Hannah Choi 52:02

Yeah. Where can our listeners find out about you and your program is available? Worldwide? Sounds like so. Yeah, just share with share where people can find you.

Nadine Briggs 52:13

Yeah, simplysocialkids.com is the website. And usually we do as an intake for for new families so we can determine if the program is a good fit for their child or their teen or their young adult. And then we do free trials. So with they'll set them up for a free trial, they can take it for a spin. So they think of it and then if they're interested, they can enroll.

Hannah Choi 52:30

That's great. Oh, good. Well, best of luck to you. And, and I'm sure there's, like you said an army of kids out there that are spreading the spreading the good social skills that they've learned from you.

Nadine Briggs 52:42

Let's, let's hope so, that's the goal!

Hannah Choi 52:46

All right. Well, thanks again, for talking with me. I really appreciate it.

Nadine Briggs 52:51

Thanks for having me.

Hannah Choi 52:54

And that's our show for today. I really hope that you found something useful in my conversation with Nadine. And hopefully you learned something that will empower you or your kids to enrich your social lives. I'm truly so glad you're here and that you took time out of your day to listen. If you are enjoying learning about these important topics that we cover in each episode of Focus Forward, please share our podcasts with all those new friends you're gonna make. And be sure to check out the show notes for this episode on our website. And if you haven't yet, subscribe to the podcast at beyond booksmart.com/podcast. We'll let you know when new episodes drop, and you can easily find the resources that we share on each topic. Thanks for listening