Getting Discomfortable with Shame Affect

In Episode 97, I tackle some common questions that people confront when they begin exploring their shame: what does shame actually feel like? And how do you spot it when it’s happening? We all feel shame, but because it is so uncomfortable and aversive, it is a feeling that we often unconsciously avoid, repress, numb, or react to before we even realize we are feeling it.

You can probably bring an old memory to mind of a time you made a mistake or experienced some rejection or scorn or embarrassment, and that’s likely to bring a feeling of shame with it, but it’s usually going to be a more controlled and distant shame sensation than when it is unexpectedly triggered in the present moment. I find that there are 3 levels of difficulty when it comes to talking about shame. They’re all uncomfortable, but the “easiest” level tends to be just talking about shame in theory. A harder level is to talk about your own shame. But the hardest shame to notice, hold, and talk about is any shame that you are actually feeling in and about the present moment.

This episode looks at my personal journey of working backward to uncover and sit with the present moment experience of shame. It may be different for different people, but the key for me was figuring out what my defenses to shame were. I memorized what those experiences felt like in order to get closer and closer to seeing the shame that preceded them. For me, I surmise that any situation wherein I feel “triggered” or threatened—but there is no actual physical danger present—is likely to be a result of shame. It’s a perception of social threat. So I memorized what my threat reaction felt like and got better and better at noticing that sensation as it was happening. From there, I was able to determine that there was in fact another, even more unpleasant sensation that came before it: shame! So I began memorizing that sensation as well. And now, when I notice that shame feeling as it’s happening, I can embrace it so as to avoid going into my threat reaction or unconsciously falling into any other unhelpful kneejerk defenses.