Shon Faye on love and dating as a trans woman – podcast
Feb 14, 2025
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Shon Faye, author of "Love in Exile" and agony aunt for Vogue US, shares her transformative views on love and dating as a trans woman. She reflects on the complexities of intimacy and the impact of societal misconceptions. Shon discusses her memoir's unique focus on love experiences, steering away from typical trans narratives. She delves into how childhood shaped her understanding of relationships and the nuanced challenges of navigating romance in a world marked by prejudice. Ultimately, she brings forth the universal themes of connection and loss.
Shon Faye's childhood experiences with a dysfunctional family shaped her complex understanding of love, blending desire, validation, and addiction.
The impact of dating apps on Shon Faye's relationships highlighted the struggle between sexual attraction and the need for genuine emotional connection.
Deep dives
Sean Fay's Journey to Understanding Love
Sean Fay reflects on her complex relationship with love, stemming from her childhood experiences of observing a dysfunctional family dynamic. Growing up with parents who struggled with emotional issues, she internalized a painful view of romantic love, which still influences her today. Her transition from a trans kid to a party girl in her twenties revealed a pattern where she sought validation and love as a means to heal her own feelings of unworthiness. Through therapy and self-reflection, Fay acknowledges that much of what society romanticizes about love can often be mistaken for desire or addiction, complicating her understanding of what genuine connection truly means.
The Impact of Dating Apps on Relationships
Fay discusses how dating apps have transformed her dating life, especially as a queer woman navigating the complexities of attraction and societal norms. Initially using apps like Grindr during her transition, she found that they created a space where real-life accountability was diminished, leading to confusing and often painful encounters with those attracted to her trans identity. Many men expressed desire but often struggled with societal shame, complicating their interactions. This duality in experiences highlighted for Fay the challenging balance between sexual attraction and the need for genuine emotional connection, which she has explored throughout her relationships.
Lessons Learned from Heartbreak
Fay recounts her intense breakup with a man who initially represented a rare opportunity for a lasting relationship, challenging her previous assumptions about love. Despite shared affection, fundamental differences concerning their future became a significant obstacle, leading her to choose self-preservation over staying in a potentially damaging relationship. The heartbreak served as a revelation about the importance of aligning values in love, prompting Fay to reassess her past choices and approach to relationships. She recognizes that romantic love cannot be solely rooted in the pursuit of validation, but must encompass mutual understanding and respect for personal boundaries.
For Valentine’s Day, Hannah Moore speaks to Shon Faye, author of Love in Exile, on her evolving understanding of love. Help support our independent journalism at theguardian.com/infocus
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