The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. However, for many, it can also be a period of profound sorrow and reflection, especially for those who have experienced loss. So for this upcoming holidays, let's look back to a heartfelt conversation with Dushka Zapata, a prolific writer known for her impactful work on Quora and her books, including "Love Yourself and Other Insurgent Acts That Recast Everything."
This episode delves into the complexities of grief, suffering, and the challenges some people face during the holiday season.
You’re listening to Christopher Lochhead: Follow Your Different. We are the real dialogue podcast for people with a different mind. So get your mind in a different place, and hey ho, let’s go.
The Complexity of the Holidays
Christopher opens the conversation by acknowledging that while the holiday season is often seen as a time of joy and celebration, it can also be a period of profound sorrow for many. He candidly shares that this holiday season is particularly challenging for him due to personal losses he experienced in 2019. He emphasizes that this episode is for anyone feeling pain during the holidays, and he hopes it will foster empathy and understanding.
Dushka responds by discussing the common questions she encounters on Quora regarding grief, such as whether it’s normal to feel sad or how long grief should last. She asserts that there is no "normal" when it comes to grief; people should feel whatever emotions arise without worrying about societal expectations. Dushka points out that no one has the authority to dictate how long someone should grieve or how they should feel.
The Pressure to Cheer Up
The conversation shifts to the well-meaning but often misguided attempts by others to help those who are grieving. Dushka likens the pressure to "cheer up" to sitting on someone’s chest while they’re trying to breathe, describing it as suffocating. She believes that the best way to support someone in grief is to give them the space to feel their emotions without judgment or pressure to conform to societal norms of happiness.
“I think so many people want to help but I’m going to tell you, asking someone to cheer up when they’re grieving is like sitting on someone’s chest when they’re trying to breathe.”
– Dushka Zapata
Christopher agrees, noting that if someone is perpetually happy, it may indicate they are avoiding deeper issues.
Dushka adds that happiness can coexist with grief; one can be happy while still mourning. She shares her personal experience of grieving her father, who passed away in December, a month filled with reminders of loss amidst the holiday cheer.
The Freedom to Express Grief
Dushka recounts how difficult it can be to navigate social interactions during the holidays when everyone expects happiness. She describes moments when people wish her a "happy holiday," and she feels an overwhelming urge to respond with honesty about her pain. She believes it’s essential for people to feel free to express their true emotions, even if it catches others off guard.
Dushka then shares her decision to opt out of traditional holiday celebrations. After her father’s death, she found Christmas too painful and chose to set it aside for her well-being. She describes how she has created a holiday experience that feels right for her, which may not include the usual festivities. Dushka expresses that it’s okay to prioritize one’s emotional health over societal expectations.
Christopher conveys his understanding and support for Dushka’s choice, affirming that everyone has the right to navigate their grief in their own way. Dushka acknowledges that while she may eventually reintroduce holiday celebrations, she is currently focused on honoring her feelings and taking care of herself.
To hear more from Dushka Zapata and Christopher Lochhead's conversation on grief and happiness during the holidays, download and listen to this episode.
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Christopher Lochhead Follow Your Different™