206. The Mess of Marital Conflict (w/ Jonathan Holmes)
Apr 18, 2022
auto_awesome
Jonathan Holmes, author of Counsel for Couples, discusses the importance of addressing conflict within marriage and the detrimental effects of avoiding it. They emphasize the need for both spouses to engage in counseling for true improvement and highlight the significance of understanding the underlying dynamics of conflict. The podcast also explores creating a safe space for sharing, addressing underlying issues, and maintaining unity in the midst of sin.
Marital conflicts can be influenced by compatibility, unmet expectations, and external factors like work and finances.
Seeking help from trusted individuals within a community and avoiding family involvement is crucial in addressing marital conflicts.
Marital counseling should delve into heart issues, recognize sin and suffering, and ground itself in the transformative power of the gospel.
Deep dives
Understanding Marital Conflict and Persistent Troublesome Patterns
Marital conflicts are common and can cause significant problems if not addressed. Persistent troublesome patterns of conflict, which can arise in otherwise healthy marriages, can erode the relationship over time. Compatibility is often a source of conflict as couples realize their differences and unmet expectations. Later in marriages, disappointment with life can contribute to conflict. Marital conflicts are not inherently bad, but an opportunity to engage in a way that glorifies God. Conflict resolution and communication styles, shaped by family of origin experiences, play a significant role in marital conflicts. Marital conflicts can also be influenced by external factors such as stress from work, finances, or family situations. Understanding the broader context of conflict and its underlying causes is crucial to addressing and resolving marital conflicts.
Seeking Help for Marital Conflict
When facing marital conflict, it is important to seek help from trusted individuals in your life, such as stakeholders who are geographically close and older and wiser, or pastors, elders, and church leaders. It is essential to have logical spaces to discuss and address conflicts within a community. Seeking professional counseling, especially for chronic conflicts, can be helpful. However, seeking counsel from family members is not recommended as it can complicate family dynamics and affect relationships in the long run. It is crucial not to rely on social media to crowdsource marital counseling. Establishing an atmosphere of hospitality and invitation, allowing both spouses to share their perspectives, can facilitate conversations and help address conflicts effectively.
A Gospel Framework for Addressing Marital Conflict
Marital conflict can be viewed within a biblical framework that recognizes sin and suffering. Understanding that conflict originated from sin and that God chose to engage with humanity through Christ's reconciling work informs how couples approach conflict. Recognizing and addressing sin in marital conflicts is necessary, but it is equally important to acknowledge the role of suffering and external factors that contribute to conflicts. Exploring the deeper heart issues and idolatries behind conflicts can provide valuable insights. Grounding marital counseling in the grand narrative of the gospel offers hope and encourages couples to respond in ways that reflect the transformational power of Christ. Emphasizing the presence and work of the Holy Spirit in overcoming conflicts can inspire growth and change within the marital relationship.
Addressing Heart Issues and Inviting Growth
Delving into heart issues and idolatries can be a significant part of marital counseling. Helping couples recognize their own contributions to conflicts and inviting them to consider their responses and desires opens the door for growth and change. Creating a safe and hospitable counseling environment allows couples to share vulnerably. Asking questions that help couples understand their emotions, experiences, and underlying motivations can lead to deeper insights. Addressing the specific patterns and dynamics within conflicts helps couples gain a better understanding of themselves and each other. By inviting couples to reflect on their actions and attitudes, counselors can guide them towards healthier ways of handling conflict and fostering growth within the marriage.
The importance of leaving room for the Holy Spirit
The podcast episode emphasizes the importance of leaving room for the Holy Spirit in conflict resolution and marriage counseling. It highlights that counselors should not be focused on their own agenda, but rather create space for the Spirit to move. The podcast encourages counselors to pray the Lord's prayer, specifically the line 'Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven,' as it challenges the tendency to focus on solutions and quick fixes. The church is called to offer long-term care and tackle deeper heart issues, going beyond surface-level conflict resolution.
The role of the gospel in resolving conflict
The podcast explores how the gospel provides hope and guidance when addressing sin and conflict in marriages. It emphasizes that conflict resolution in marriage is an opportunity to retell the story of the gospel to an unbelieving world. By showcasing forgiveness, reconciliation, and love, couples can testify to God's redemptive work. The podcast emphasizes the importance of understanding our identity as sinners saved by grace, which motivates us to make every effort to maintain unity. It encourages couples to resolve conflict biblically to present a complete and compelling portrait of the gospel to their family, church, and the world.
In this episode of The Messy Podcast, Scott Mehl interviews Jonathan Holmes about how to approach both good and bad conflict within marriage.
Sponsored by Eternity Bible College: https://www.eternity.edu
Resources:
Counsel for Couples: A Biblical and Practical Guide for Marriage Counseling by Jonathan D. Holmes,
https://www.amazon.com/Counsel-Couples-Biblical-Practical-Counseling/dp/031057627X
Resolving Chronic Conflicts in Marriage Counseling (conference audio) by Jonathan D. Holmes,
https://biblicalcounseling.com/product/jonathan-holmes-resolving-chronic-conflicts-in-marriage-counseling/
Marriage Conflict: Talking as Teammates (31-Day Devotionals for Life) by Steve Hoppe,
https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Conflict-Talking-Teammates-Devotionals/dp/1629956856
For counselors:
Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors by Robert W. Kellemen, Ph.D.,
https://www.amazon.com/Gospel-Centered-Marriage-Counseling-Equipping-Counselors/dp/0801094348
Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love by Edward T. Welch,
https://www.amazon.com/Side-Walking-Others-Wisdom-Love/dp/1433547112
10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) by Julie Schwartz Gottman and John M. Gottman,
https://www.amazon.com/Principles-Effective-Couples-Interpersonal-Neurobiology/dp/0393708357
Follow The Messy Podcast...
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0lRJWiGZfCStBnme6xbnmk?si=qez0LslXQ462CfN73xZiYA&dl_branch=1
Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-messy-podcast/id1587365184
More info at: https://lovingmessypeople.com
Get the Snipd podcast app
Unlock the knowledge in podcasts with the podcast player of the future.
AI-powered podcast player
Listen to all your favourite podcasts with AI-powered features
Discover highlights
Listen to the best highlights from the podcasts you love and dive into the full episode
Save any moment
Hear something you like? Tap your headphones to save it with AI-generated key takeaways
Share & Export
Send highlights to Twitter, WhatsApp or export them to Notion, Readwise & more
AI-powered podcast player
Listen to all your favourite podcasts with AI-powered features
Discover highlights
Listen to the best highlights from the podcasts you love and dive into the full episode
