Kuldrin's Krypt A BDSM 101 Podcast BDSM Consent Counts Pt 1-S01E35
Jan 16, 2018
43:11
BDSM Consent Counts Pt 1-S01E35 (135)
Recorded December 12th, 2018 / Published January 16, 2018
Consent is an incredibly important topic to both of us, and should be an important topic for everyone out there. The news these days is filled with stories of consent violations and thankfully our society is beginning to crack down on these violators quickly. However we still have a long way to go within the BDSM community.
What is consent exactly?
Consent is what a person has knowingly and willingly agreed to a form of participation in. That form and those activities, behaviors, etc. are what that consent applies to. Legally consent is defined as being able to freely give agreement to participate in a(n) (sexual) activity. Many states in the U.S. have separate definitions as well which also specify who is capable of giving consent; for example a child many not consent, nor may a person who is unconscious. For more information about these laws and what your state defines as legal consent we have included a link that will help clarify many of these points. https://www.rainn.org/news/how-does-your-state-define-consent
What do we consent to within the context of BDSM?
Activities
Sexual- including everything from kissing to intercourse of any and every kind. This can even include sexual behaviors using inanimate objects.
Non-sexual- impact play, punishments, rewards, and anything else you can possibly imagine. You can even choose to consent or not to things like writing journals or taking pictures.
Behaviors- kneeling, honouring, or having these behaviors used on you. Dominants need to give their consent too!
Why is consent so important?
The point could be made that in our vanilla lives we don’t ask for explicitly defined consent for every action, or activity we participate in, so why should we have to do that for BDSM?
We have to in BDSM because of the nature of our relationships. Without consent there can be no trust. Without trust there can be no consent. Without both, there can be no relationship of love and respect.
We do things within our lifestyles that present risks which require knowing consent to be able to participate in safely. This includes all forms of safety, mental, emotional, and physical.
A note on knowing consent- Be aware that to give knowing consent you need to be clear and stable of mind. An unconscious or inebriated person, someone who is mentally ill, or someone who is in an altered state of mind i.e. sub/Domspace will not be able to give clear knowing consent.
Finally, within the bounds of vanilla relationships people SHOULD be seeking consent.
Types of consent violations.
Honest Mistakes vs. Abuse
We have all made honest mistakes at some point, both in and out of the lifestyle.
Something as simple as referring to Kuldrin as Master without his permission can be a violation of his consent. If you’re informed of this before addressing him, you could easily make this mistake. At which point I’m certain that he and most others would likely correct and forgive you. To choose to keep doing it though… would be a more a serious violation of consent, and not a mistake.
You might have a scene with an established partner but forget to set up silent hand signals and therefore miss a communication opportunity which can lead to a consent violation. It’s a mistake and a dangerous one, but hopefully one that with the right care can be overcome.
What makes it abuse?
Intent is a huge part of what makes a difference between the two. If you intend to violate the consent of your partner, then you are already an abuser. Mistakes can’t be made with intent, only abuse.
How the person who has their consent violated feels is the ultimate tell as to whether that violation has been a simple mistake or just abuse.
I have faced both sides of this myself. When it has been a mistake I have found I could apologise and be apologised to. Work could be put in so that trust could be repaired or rebuilt and the relationships have gotten better. When it’s abuse this simply cannot occur. The most you can hope for with abuse is to learn to forgive, even if it's just yourself, and to heal enough to find your own peace.
Huge Issues with Consent in the BDSM Community
Many of the problems with consent in our BDSM community are sadly the same ones plaguing the vanilla world as well. However due to the bondage and sadomasochistic elements of our lifestyle we are also faced with the issue that to those of a vanilla mind-set we can also be portrayed as violent, persons who only wish to tie up, abuse, and violate our ‘victims.’ Now we all know this isn’t true but for a long time, and with no help from pop culture icons like 50 shades of grey, this stereotype is still ongoing.
Some of the other huge problems we are facing and I personally would love to help abolish, and hope that I am in some minute way, are silence, oppression, misinformation, and arrogance.
Silence comes from a few different places. Shame, fear, and denial of what has occurred can all lead to silence from the victim and from the community.
When my consent was violated and I was physically abused to the point of needing to receive immediate medical care, I didn’t want to talk about it. I still very rarely do. I was ashamed at what I had, in my mind, allowed to happen. I was ashamed that I was not able to stop the abuse. There I was, I had consented to everything up until that point, I had been trained to protect myself, to take punishments, and yet I was still in a position where I was harmed. After the immediate event I was in the emergency room, and the police were notified because it was very clear that I had been physically assaulted. That’s when the fear hit me too. I was afraid to speak up, because if I explained to the police how I was harmed they would want to know who did it. I was put into a position where I had to out my assaulter. I had to make the choice to break my silence, because I recognised that this person would likely do something like this again to someone else. But I was still scared, of what the police would think of me, of what would happen to me if and when others learned of the incident, and of what my community would do to me as a result of my outing this person. Many communities will out right shun anyone who outs someone, regardless of the reason. I was facing a terrifying moment, where my defenses were already broken down, and I was afraid to face it alone without any support or understanding. I was lucky enough to find that I did have support and understanding from those in my community, but it is a sad and despicable fact that in many cases this is the opposite of what happens to most victims of abuse.
I have since come across several others who will out right deny that they were ever abused. They say they wanted to submit so they had no right to say no to something they weren’t comfortable with. Or that they never said the words “no” or “stop” or called a safe-word, so consent was given. But here’s the huge issue with that, consent is NOT inherent ever. This is what makes communication from all parties and at all times so important.
As I was saying, when someone breaks their silence about a consent violation, often a community will try to oppress or deny this abuse ever happened.
Whenever we are abused within our community it is recommended to alert our community leaders. However what can we do if it is our community leaders who are the abusers? Who can we then turn to? Too often there is no one.
There are also known cases of leaders sweeping known violations under the proverbial rug because they are “friends” with these people, or simply choose to not believe accusations of abuse. It is sheer arrogance that allows these kinds of instances to occur.
I recently came across a beautiful piece of writing on Fetlife that I think everyone should check out. It’s by Micchi_Monster, called Believe the Victim, and is truly wonderful. I would like to personally thank them for sharing it. https://fetlife.com/users/1065014/posts/4782318
Protecting yourself.
Vetting is a huge part of what you can do to protect yourself from encountering a situation in which your consent, or the consent of another will be violated.
Don’t trust only the word of others, regardless of who they are. It’s important to vet those around you but you also have to do your own unbiased research.
Trust your instincts. We all have gut feelings and instincts, if your natural red flags are going off there is probably a reason. Beware the people and situations that set them off.
Use common sense when entering a situation. Avoid being alone or saying yes to any kind of contact with someone you haven’t properly vetted.
Don’t be afraid to say no. If something makes you uncomfortable, no matter how little the thing may seem, you can and should say no. You have your own limits and boundaries to uphold and communicate, which brings us to the end of this two parter episode. We will be picking up this subject again in its second half, boundaries, next week.
Next time we are going to dive into Part 2.
Email: Sir@kuldrinskrypt.com / funsize@kuldrinskrypt.com
Fetlife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/159275
Full shownotes: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/135
Recorded December 12th, 2018 / Published January 16, 2018
Consent is an incredibly important topic to both of us, and should be an important topic for everyone out there. The news these days is filled with stories of consent violations and thankfully our society is beginning to crack down on these violators quickly. However we still have a long way to go within the BDSM community.
What is consent exactly?
Consent is what a person has knowingly and willingly agreed to a form of participation in. That form and those activities, behaviors, etc. are what that consent applies to. Legally consent is defined as being able to freely give agreement to participate in a(n) (sexual) activity. Many states in the U.S. have separate definitions as well which also specify who is capable of giving consent; for example a child many not consent, nor may a person who is unconscious. For more information about these laws and what your state defines as legal consent we have included a link that will help clarify many of these points. https://www.rainn.org/news/how-does-your-state-define-consent
What do we consent to within the context of BDSM?
Activities
Sexual- including everything from kissing to intercourse of any and every kind. This can even include sexual behaviors using inanimate objects.
Non-sexual- impact play, punishments, rewards, and anything else you can possibly imagine. You can even choose to consent or not to things like writing journals or taking pictures.
Behaviors- kneeling, honouring, or having these behaviors used on you. Dominants need to give their consent too!
Why is consent so important?
The point could be made that in our vanilla lives we don’t ask for explicitly defined consent for every action, or activity we participate in, so why should we have to do that for BDSM?
We have to in BDSM because of the nature of our relationships. Without consent there can be no trust. Without trust there can be no consent. Without both, there can be no relationship of love and respect.
We do things within our lifestyles that present risks which require knowing consent to be able to participate in safely. This includes all forms of safety, mental, emotional, and physical.
A note on knowing consent- Be aware that to give knowing consent you need to be clear and stable of mind. An unconscious or inebriated person, someone who is mentally ill, or someone who is in an altered state of mind i.e. sub/Domspace will not be able to give clear knowing consent.
Finally, within the bounds of vanilla relationships people SHOULD be seeking consent.
Types of consent violations.
Honest Mistakes vs. Abuse
We have all made honest mistakes at some point, both in and out of the lifestyle.
Something as simple as referring to Kuldrin as Master without his permission can be a violation of his consent. If you’re informed of this before addressing him, you could easily make this mistake. At which point I’m certain that he and most others would likely correct and forgive you. To choose to keep doing it though… would be a more a serious violation of consent, and not a mistake.
You might have a scene with an established partner but forget to set up silent hand signals and therefore miss a communication opportunity which can lead to a consent violation. It’s a mistake and a dangerous one, but hopefully one that with the right care can be overcome.
What makes it abuse?
Intent is a huge part of what makes a difference between the two. If you intend to violate the consent of your partner, then you are already an abuser. Mistakes can’t be made with intent, only abuse.
How the person who has their consent violated feels is the ultimate tell as to whether that violation has been a simple mistake or just abuse.
I have faced both sides of this myself. When it has been a mistake I have found I could apologise and be apologised to. Work could be put in so that trust could be repaired or rebuilt and the relationships have gotten better. When it’s abuse this simply cannot occur. The most you can hope for with abuse is to learn to forgive, even if it's just yourself, and to heal enough to find your own peace.
Huge Issues with Consent in the BDSM Community
Many of the problems with consent in our BDSM community are sadly the same ones plaguing the vanilla world as well. However due to the bondage and sadomasochistic elements of our lifestyle we are also faced with the issue that to those of a vanilla mind-set we can also be portrayed as violent, persons who only wish to tie up, abuse, and violate our ‘victims.’ Now we all know this isn’t true but for a long time, and with no help from pop culture icons like 50 shades of grey, this stereotype is still ongoing.
Some of the other huge problems we are facing and I personally would love to help abolish, and hope that I am in some minute way, are silence, oppression, misinformation, and arrogance.
Silence comes from a few different places. Shame, fear, and denial of what has occurred can all lead to silence from the victim and from the community.
When my consent was violated and I was physically abused to the point of needing to receive immediate medical care, I didn’t want to talk about it. I still very rarely do. I was ashamed at what I had, in my mind, allowed to happen. I was ashamed that I was not able to stop the abuse. There I was, I had consented to everything up until that point, I had been trained to protect myself, to take punishments, and yet I was still in a position where I was harmed. After the immediate event I was in the emergency room, and the police were notified because it was very clear that I had been physically assaulted. That’s when the fear hit me too. I was afraid to speak up, because if I explained to the police how I was harmed they would want to know who did it. I was put into a position where I had to out my assaulter. I had to make the choice to break my silence, because I recognised that this person would likely do something like this again to someone else. But I was still scared, of what the police would think of me, of what would happen to me if and when others learned of the incident, and of what my community would do to me as a result of my outing this person. Many communities will out right shun anyone who outs someone, regardless of the reason. I was facing a terrifying moment, where my defenses were already broken down, and I was afraid to face it alone without any support or understanding. I was lucky enough to find that I did have support and understanding from those in my community, but it is a sad and despicable fact that in many cases this is the opposite of what happens to most victims of abuse.
I have since come across several others who will out right deny that they were ever abused. They say they wanted to submit so they had no right to say no to something they weren’t comfortable with. Or that they never said the words “no” or “stop” or called a safe-word, so consent was given. But here’s the huge issue with that, consent is NOT inherent ever. This is what makes communication from all parties and at all times so important.
As I was saying, when someone breaks their silence about a consent violation, often a community will try to oppress or deny this abuse ever happened.
Whenever we are abused within our community it is recommended to alert our community leaders. However what can we do if it is our community leaders who are the abusers? Who can we then turn to? Too often there is no one.
There are also known cases of leaders sweeping known violations under the proverbial rug because they are “friends” with these people, or simply choose to not believe accusations of abuse. It is sheer arrogance that allows these kinds of instances to occur.
I recently came across a beautiful piece of writing on Fetlife that I think everyone should check out. It’s by Micchi_Monster, called Believe the Victim, and is truly wonderful. I would like to personally thank them for sharing it. https://fetlife.com/users/1065014/posts/4782318
Protecting yourself.
Vetting is a huge part of what you can do to protect yourself from encountering a situation in which your consent, or the consent of another will be violated.
Don’t trust only the word of others, regardless of who they are. It’s important to vet those around you but you also have to do your own unbiased research.
Trust your instincts. We all have gut feelings and instincts, if your natural red flags are going off there is probably a reason. Beware the people and situations that set them off.
Use common sense when entering a situation. Avoid being alone or saying yes to any kind of contact with someone you haven’t properly vetted.
Don’t be afraid to say no. If something makes you uncomfortable, no matter how little the thing may seem, you can and should say no. You have your own limits and boundaries to uphold and communicate, which brings us to the end of this two parter episode. We will be picking up this subject again in its second half, boundaries, next week.
Next time we are going to dive into Part 2.
Email: Sir@kuldrinskrypt.com / funsize@kuldrinskrypt.com
Fetlife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/159275
Full shownotes: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/135