Feminist Wellness Tenderoni Hotline #4: Why People Get Defensive About Your Feelings + What Emotional Outsourcing Really Means
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Oct 28, 2025 Discover how defensiveness often arises when we share our truth, as it triggers deep-seated shame and discomfort. Learn vital somatic tools to ground yourself during tense moments. The conversation dives into emotional outsourcing, where safety and belonging are mistakenly found in others' reactions. Unpack the impact of childhood patterns on present-day relationships and explore practices that can help rewire your nervous system for self-trust and emotional clarity. It’s all about fostering honest, respectful connections!
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Ground Before You Respond
- Orient your body when you feel flooded: breathe, feel your feet, and ground your senses before responding.
- Say: "I'm not looking for an explanation right now; I just wanted you to know how that landed," or pause and revisit later.
Gaslighting Example From Personal Past
- Beatriz shares that her abusive ex-spouse would flip hurt into victimhood as part of gaslighting.
- She used this example to show how defensiveness can negate the person naming harm.
Defensiveness Protects Fragile Selfhood
- People who rush to explain usually protect their fragile sense of self rather than trying to intentionally hurt you.
- Their defensiveness often denies your experience as a way to avoid shame and restore safety.
