We’ve spent a lot of time on the podcast exploring how we can improve our skills in romantic relationships, but for many people one of the most difficult parts of a relationship is getting into one in the first place.

On this episode, Forrest talks with Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, about the psychology of dating. They explore chemistry, romance, apps, and how to reframe our self-limiting tendencies so we can find love that is fulfilling and brings out the best in us.

About our Guest: Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and the author of How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. She is the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, and former head of Google’s behavioral science team the Irrational Lab.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:40: Why is modern dating so hard?

4:15: Romanticism

6:20: Being in a relationship for self-actualization

8:25: Romanticizers, Maximizers, and Hesitators

11:15: Reframes for the Romanticizer

14:20: What kind of shared qualities actually matter?

19:25: Reframes for the Maximizer

26:35: The tendency to externalize problems and avoid vulnerability

32:25: Reframes for the Hesitator

36:50: Information vs. emotion - appreciation for romance

41:05: Bids, and turning towards

43:05: What other things do people tend to underestimate in relationships?

47:20: The aspect of you that is brought out by your partner

48:45: How to use apps in more effective ways

51:00: Recap

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Edward Norton | October 2019