Dating, Solved: Why Finding the “Right Person” Feels So Hard Now

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Feb 4, 2026

They argue dating is a multi-stage process that punishes different mistakes at each step. They explore evolutionary roots of attraction, sexual strategies, and why men and women optimize for different things. They unpack how apps, choice overload, and cultural shifts amplify dating problems. They cover practical pre-dating skills like signaling, confidence, meeting people offline, and moving quickly to real dates.

04:37:41

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insights

INSIGHT

Dating Is A Multi-Stage Process

Dating is a multi-stage process, not a personality test, and each stage punishes different mistakes.
Build the specific skills for each stage instead of treating dating as a single trait deficiency.

insights

INSIGHT

Parental Investment Shapes Strategies

Parental investment theory explains why sexes evolved different mating strategies: the higher-investing sex is choosier.
For humans, women's larger reproductive costs favor selectivity while men's lower minimum investment favors competition.

insights

INSIGHT

Women Value Potential, Not Just Wealth

Women generally prefer men's resource-acquisition potential, not raw wealth, signaling ambition and competence.
As women's own resources rise, their choosiness (hypergamy) tends to increase, raising partner standards.

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Why Dating Feels Complicated

05:13 • 1min

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Darwin, Sexual Selection, and the Peacock

06:22 • 3min

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Parental Investment Theory

09:33 • 5min

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Short- and Long-Term Mating Strategies

What Women Generally Prefer

17:16 • 3min

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What Men Generally Prefer

20:03 • 2min

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Assortment, Variability, and Costly Signals

21:40 • 4min

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How Evolution Creates Dating Tension

25:14 • 4min

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History of Courtship to Romance

28:49 • 23min

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Industrial Era, Choice, and Happiness

51:58 • 10min

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Modern Expectations vs Historical Reality

01:02:07 • 4min

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Current Dating Market Facts

01:06:17 • 6min

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Offline Renaissance & New Approaches

Paradox of Choice and Market Effects

01:21:16 • 27sec

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Men's Dating Advice Ecosystem

01:21:43 • 10min

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Self-Improvement Trap and Tactics

01:31:38 • 7min

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Women's Dating Advice Ecosystem

01:38:50 • 7min

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Collision: Volume vs Filter Loop

01:46:05 • 17min

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In-Person Signals Beat Apps

02:03:23 • 18min

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Pre-dating Fundamentals Introduced

Appearance as Signaling

02:22:33 • 15min

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Confidence: Build Evidence, Not Scripts

02:37:09 • 2min

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Halo Effect and Context Signals

02:38:44 • 20min

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Meeting People: Digital Versus Real

02:58:29 • 2min

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Texting: Move To In-Person Quickly

03:00:23 • 6min

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Flirting: Playful Versus Honest

03:06:14 • 9min

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Reading People and Attunement

03:15:09 • 15min

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Ask Directly: Simple Date Requests

03:30:34 • 9min

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Trustworthiness Builds Long-Term Value

03:39:30 • 8min

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Conversation, Vulnerability, and Calibration

03:47:53 • 9min

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Emotional Regulation as Attractiveness

03:57:02 • 7min

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Boundaries and Setting Expectations

04:03:52 • 7min

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The 'Fuck Yes or No' Rule

04:10:52 • 5min

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80/20 Dating Takeaways

• Mentioned in 27 episodes

Models

Attract Women Through Honesty

Mark Manson

This book focuses on the concept of 'non-neediness' and emphasizes the importance of honesty in relationships. It advises men to be genuine, vulnerable, and true to themselves, rather than trying to impress women through manipulative tactics. The book is divided into sections such as 'Honest Living,' 'Honest Action,' and 'Honest Communication,' and it provides practical advice on overcoming anxiety, developing true confidence, and polarizing women to determine their interest. It also stresses the importance of self-investment and living a life that aligns with one's true values and desires.

#205

• Mentioned in 104 episodes

On the Origin of Species

Charles Darwin

Published on November 24, 1859, 'On the Origin of Species' by Charles Darwin is a seminal work in scientific literature. The book presents a comprehensive theory of evolution, arguing that species evolve over generations through the process of natural selection. Darwin supported his theory with evidence collected during his voyage on the HMS Beagle, as well as from subsequent research, correspondence, and experimentation. The book addresses the struggle for existence, the variability of species, and the principle of divergence, explaining how natural selection leads to the adaptation and diversification of life on Earth. It has been a cornerstone of evolutionary biology and has had significant impacts on both scientific and public discourse.

#729

• Mentioned in 44 episodes

Madame Bovary

Gustave Flaubert

Published in 1857, 'Madame Bovary' is a seminal work of literary realism that tells the story of Emma Bovary, a beautiful and intelligent young woman who marries Charles Bovary, a dull and unambitious doctor. Emma's life is marked by boredom, romantic fantasies, and a series of ill-fated love affairs with men like Rodolphe and Léon. Her inability to distinguish between her romantic ideals and the harsh realities of her life leads to financial ruin, public scandal, and ultimately, her tragic demise. The novel is renowned for its masterful writing, detailed psychological insights, and its critique of bourgeois provincial life.

#113

• Mentioned in 147 episodes

Anna Karenina

Leo Tolstoy

Published in 1878, 'Anna Karenina' is a novel by Leo Tolstoy that delves into the complexities of Russian society in the late 19th century. The story centers around the extramarital affair between Anna Karenina, a married socialite, and Count Alexei Kirillovich Vronsky, which scandalizes the social circles of Saint Petersburg. The novel also follows the parallel story of Konstantin Levin, a wealthy landowner, and his struggles with marriage, faith, and managing his estate. Tolstoy explores a wide range of themes including love, loyalty, betrayal, hypocrisy, and the differences between rural and urban life. The novel is known for its detailed character development and its profound commentary on the human condition.

#283

• Mentioned in 83 episodes

Jane Eyre

Edmund Morrison Wimperis

Edmund H. Garrett

Jant van der Weg-Laverman

Charlotte Brontë

The novel follows Jane Eyre from her childhood at Gateshead Hall, where she is mistreated by her aunt and cousins, to her education at Lowood School, and later her employment as a governess at Thornfield Hall. There, she falls in love with her enigmatic employer, Edward Fairfax Rochester, but discovers a dark secret about his past that forces her to make a difficult choice. The novel explores themes of love, independence, and social justice, and is known for its realistic portrayal of the inner life of a woman during the Victorian era.

#1447

• Mentioned in 26 episodes

The descent of man

Charles Darwin

In 'The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex', Darwin extends his theory of evolution to humans, discussing how humans evolved from pre-existing forms and the role of sexual selection in this process. The book compares human physical and psychological characteristics to those of other animals, arguing that humans and other species share a common ancestry. It also explores the differences between human races and sexes, and the evolutionary basis of human behaviors and moral qualities. The work challenges the idea of special creation and argues for the continuity between humans and other animals in both anatomy and mental faculties.

Most people aren’t bad at dating, they’re just trying to solve the wrong problem. We treat dating like a personality test (“Am I attractive enough? Confident enough?”) when it’s actually a multi-stage process, and each stage punishes completely different mistakes. That one misunderstanding explains why dating feels so confusing, why men and women keep blaming each other, why dating apps feel brutal, and why so much dating advice makes things worse instead of better.

In this episode of Solved, Drew and I break down why modern dating feels so broken, and why it actually isn’t. We dig into the evolutionary psychology behind attraction, why men and women are optimizing for different things, how modern culture and dating apps amplify the worst parts of the system, and the three stages of dating that almost nobody understands. We also talk about confidence, rejection, status, attraction, and why avoiding rejection is often the very thing sabotaging your dating life. If you’ve felt stuck, burned out, or quietly wondering “what the hell is wrong with dating?” — this episode is for you.

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We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/dating

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Chapters:

0:00 Introduction

5:12 Chapter 1: Why Is Dating So Complicated?

11:03 The different challenges men and women face

17:18 Facts

29:51 What Women Find Attractive

38:16 What Men Find Attractive

51:27 Chapter 2: A Brief History of Courtship & Dating

1:06:10 Modern Dating

1:11:41 A Glimmer of Hope: The emerging offline renaissance

1:21:37 Chapter 3: Men's and Women's Dating Advice Ecosystems

1:31:13 Inside the Male Advice Ecosystem

1:44:52 Inside the Female Advice Ecosystem

2:02:07 The Collision: Feedback Loops That Break the Market

2:21:27 Chapter 4: The Pre-Dating Phase

2:36:22 Building Confidence

2:37:59 Halo Effect

2:53:20 Conclusion Pre Dating

2:57:48 Chapter 5: Meeting People and Getting Dates

3:11:17 Flirting

3:23:15 Reading People

3:29:51 Chapter 6: Going on Dates

3:38:39 Trustworthiness

3:47:09 Conversational Skills

3:56:12 Emotional Regulation

4:03:03 Boundaries

4:09:07 F**k yes or no

4:14:44 The 80/20

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