From Hollywood Exec to Farmers Market Artisan - Walking away from a life that isn’t working

Have you ever found yourself looking around at your life and thinking, on paper you have everything you ever wanted and worked hard for but something still doesn’t feel quite right?

Tracy Mazuer’s life is a powerful example of this - AND how we can begin to find our way back to our true calling - even in the midst of chaos and unhappiness.

This is one of those episodes that has the power to change the trajectory of your whole life if you happen to be ready for what it is trying to tell you. If you suspect that there is a different, more fulfilling life whispering to you and you are ready to do some reflection, pay close attention to the end of this episode because, i have some homework that will help you begin to tease all this apart and start down your own path of returning to your truest self.

After wanting to be a successful Hollywood producer as long as she could remember and fighting her way up the dysfunctional ranks of Hollywood, Tracy spent 25 years tearing her hair out in Hollywood as a television executive producer, writer, and director. From Bachelors and Bachelorettes to Deals and No Deals, from the Littlest of People to Biggest of Losers, from Millionaire Matchmakers to Long Lost Families, from A-list celebs to D-list and beyond, Tracy did it all.

One day while immersed in the stress of producing one of her shows, Tracy realized that instead of tearing out what remained of her hair, she was going to try breathing and doodling on her desk calendar. And what it led to changed her life completely, forever.

The trees that emerged in her doodles reflected exactly what she was feeling — chaos, frustration, with bits of light and joy. There were so many feelings packed into these doodled trees! And with the gusto familiar to any newly minted artist, Tracy tore it off of that desk calendar, brought it home, and stuck it on the fridge. Her husband immediately declared her a “Toddler Savant” and Tracy's foray into the forest took root. She's now officially left “the biz” and combines her storytelling skills with her illustrations to bring her art Trees Have Feelings - to life.

Tracy is a vivacious, fierce, powerhouse of a human. A gentle giant. She shares with us how she came to know it was time to leave behind everything she worked so hard to build in Hollywood so that she could follow the quiet whisper of her trees.

Trigger warning; Tracy references some sexual trauma that she has endured, it is brief and not graphic but all the same I wanted you to have a heads up on that.

Perhaps my biggest takeaway from this episode is how art and creativity don’t stop pursuing us as long as it has gifts for us - and it always does. For most of Tracys life she felt she was not a ‘good’ artist - she told us herself all through school she couldn't draw the way she wanted to draw or sculpt the way she wanted to sculpt. Doodling found her in the midst of the trauma she was going through as a young child and stayed with her for many years. And it came back to her in the midst of the chaos, stress and turmoil in a job she hated but had worked so hard to earn. In fact from where i sit, it certainly seems that doodling saved her life. It turned up in her office that day and helped walk her out of a life that may have been slowly killing her and into a life of healing, joy and fulfillment with her trees.

Tracy’s story of ‘making it’ as a producer in Hollywood and then realizing she hated it is one that perhaps many of us can relate to. It can feel almost impossible to look at everything you have invested into your career or relationship or even a community and friendships and realize that while they are exactly what you thought you wanted, in reality, they just aren’t quite right for you. So many of us would rather (and often do) ignore these pangs - which is totally understandable - dismantling our lives is counter intuitive. We may be dealing with inner narratives like ‘I should be grateful for everything I have’ or ‘this is just how my life is meant to be’ or what about all that time/money/effort I spent to get here. And then there are the fears about what will happen when we tear it all down - will we have enough money? Will we be alone forever? Will your family and friends think we’re crazy? It can feel like we are going crazy. But the truth is the crazy thing is staying in a life that does not fit, bring you joy, bring out the best in you or most importantly help you bring the gifts you were born to bring out into the world.

How is it that we set ourselves down certain life paths if they are not what we truly want? Recognizing how we have done this in the past helps us recognize when we are doing it again and helps us to avoid venturing too far down a path that is not ours.

The journey into these new unknown places can be a scary one, often filled with uncertainty - and vulnerability - but more and more i am seeing that those who choose to listen to that small quiet voice inside, nudging us, softly nagging at us and follow it where it is guiding them, seem to consistently be rewarded with a calm, serene fulfillment that i think we are all ultimately looking for.

Things Tracy and I talk about

Why we sometimes make life choices that do not reflect what our hearts truly want
The traits she had to develop to survive the toxic hollywood environment
The deep healing art has provided her even though her whole life she felt she couldn’t draw things she wanted to draw or sculpt things she wanted to sculpt. The darkness that came out of her in her dark art brought her so much joy because she knew it was finally coming up and out of her
How collage (which had found her in school and came looking for her again when she went into therapy) finding her in her 40s lead to some a profound healing of deep emotional wounds
I got the chills when she told me about how the trees came out of her sketches in her miserable Hollywood office. Full of colour and light in the midst of anger and chaos and toxicity
How she believed for her whole life, that when something really good happened that meant the bottom would soon fall out - and how the trees helped her heal that belief.
How she thought that if she really let herself explore the part of herself that was making and enjoying her art so much, that it would suddenly stop. Afraid of that pain.

Resources discussed in this episode:

Electric Light Orchestra
The People Show
University of Kansas Journalism
The Home Show- ABC
Good morning America - ABC
Playing it straight - Fox TV
Brene Brown
Glennon doyle
Elizabeth Gilbert
Episodes (tv show)

ABOUT

Tracy Mazuer spent 25 years of her life tearing her hair out in Hollyweird as a television executive producer, writer, and director. From Bachelors and Bachelorettes to Deals and No Deals, from the Littlest of People to Biggest of Losers, from Millionaire Matchmakers to Long Lost Families, from A-list celebs to D-list and beyond, Tracy’s run the gamut.

One recent and fateful day, while producing yet another unwieldy show, Tracy realized that instead of tearing out what remained of her hair, she would take breaks, breathe, and doodle on her desk calendar.

Tracy holds a Bachelors degree in Journalism and a Masters in Education where she studied the effects of autobiographical writing with urban youth.

She's been married for 34-years to her college sweetheart — that guy who called her the Toddler Savant. They live with their two rescue-mutts, LizzieBelly and Hazelnut, in Bellingham, Washington. They have a son who is an artist in Seattle.

Tracy Mazuer website | facebook | instagram

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