The Fluent Mind ESL Podcast Topic Talk | Helicopter Moms and Sports Dads
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In this episode of The A to Z English Podcast, we talk about how parents sometimes get too involved or invested in their children's lives.
Transcript:
00:00:00
Jack
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Jack
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발표자
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00:00:31
Jack
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00:00:57
Jack
OK.
00:00:58
Jack
Now let's get on with the show.
00:01:09
Jack
Welcome to the A-Z English podcast. My name is Jack and I'm here with my.
00:01:13
Jack
Co-host social and.
00:01:15
Jack
Today we are doing a topic talk episode and today's topic is.
00:01:22
Jack
Do you do you feel nervous? When? Ohh sorry. Do you feel nervous for other people when they have to do something important, you know? And so. Oh, I was just going to give, like, here's the here's the background information. My daughter has a huge performance today.
00:01:33
Xochitl
Sorry, go ahead Jack.
00:01:41
Jack
And I'm I was. I'm so nervous. I I can't even think about it because, you know, I'm I want her to be successful. I want her to do a great job.
00:01:53
Jack
But I don't want to jinx it. You know what I mean by, you know, I don't know, thinking too much about it or or, you know, giving her some bad luck or whatever. So I'm just trying to push it out of my mind. And I'm wondering if you ever feel that way.
00:02:10
Xochitl
Yeah, I would say.
00:02:13
Xochitl
There's so many like secondhand type of emotions, secondhand embarrassment, which means feeling embarrassed for someone else's secondhand anxiousness or nervousness where you feel anxious or nervous for someone and excited too, like you can be, oh, I'm so excited for her. I'm worried. Is she going to do well? I'm nervous.
00:02:20
Jack
Yes.
00:02:33
Xochitl
You know.
00:02:35
Xochitl
And yeah, I definitely felt that way before.
00:02:39
Jack
Yeah, I'd love that. These that you defined it really well. Secondhand emotions. Is that what?
00:02:44
Jack
You called it.
00:02:45
Xochitl
Yeah.
00:02:46
Jack
Yeah. So you know, we get this like one of the big ones is like the Olympic.
00:02:51
Jack
Like, you know, like, like the gymnastics when there's like one person has to perform some sort of like routine. And if they do it well, your country will win the gold medal. And there's I it. I feel like I get sick to my stomach when I watch those, you know.
00:03:11
Jack
Because I'm like, I want them to to do it so well, and I feel like if I can just channel like positive energy.
00:03:18
Jack
From my my brain to that person. And it's so funny because it's like it has nothing to do with me. Like I I'm inconsequential, you know, like. But somehow I feel like I can control it if I just use my mind, you know?
00:03:35
Xochitl
Mine Ben Jedi Powers to.
00:03:37
Jack
Yeah, I feel like if I could just if I could just use my mind and I think this is common in sports too, right? Like your basketball team. You want them to win so badly if you want it badly enough.
00:03:44
발표자
Now.
00:03:50
Jack
You can actually affect the outcome of the game. I think we do feel that. I mean, it's totally irrational, it's illogical. It makes no sense. But I think that's why people love sports is because they feel like they're invested in it and that's how I feel today because my daughter.
00:04:11
Jack
For for our listeners out there is a a ballerina. She goes to a ballet school in America, an Academy.
00:04:18
Jack
And they had their big performance today and she had a very important part that was very difficult and all week she's been struggling with it. I believe she's even said that she fell down one time while doing the practice. And so I was, like, freaking out in, in my mind.
00:04:39
Jack
All week, you know, just totally stressed about it, because not because I'm embarrassed if she doesn't do well, it's more just like I just want her to succeed so badly for herself, for her life, that.
00:04:53
Xochitl
Mm-hmm.
00:04:55
Jack
It's.
00:04:56
Jack
It I actually probably feel more nervous than she does about about these things, which is so funny.
00:05:03
Xochitl
Yes, you always have.
00:05:04
Xochitl
No control which makes you more nervous.
00:05:06
Xochitl
Right. It's like.
00:05:06
Jack
Yeah, right. That's a great point. I have no control over it and all I can do is send positive messages from my mind, you know, like good vibes to her. But I obviously I know that's not gonna do anything. And and I I didn't wanna.
00:05:23
Jack
I didn't want to put any pressure on her, so I all I did was say, hey, good luck today. You know, instead of saying like, make sure you did do this and don't do that and you have to do this. It's like the last thing she needs is advice from a guy who has who, you know, never a day in my life. Yeah.
00:05:39
Xochitl
He's never done that way a day in.
00:05:41
Xochitl
His life so.
00:05:43
Jack
You know, so. So my wife and I were really careful to not put any extra pressure on top of her because that's the last thing she needs. She needs to relax. She needs to be, you know, mentally.
00:05:56
Jack
Prepared. Yeah. Yeah, it's really fun.
00:05:59
Xochitl
I think that's.
00:05:59
Xochitl
Really important not to do and I think it's you guys should feel proud of yourselves. So I think it's very rare for parents to acknowledge that and to come to a point, especially in in certain cultures to say I don't want to put extra pressure on my daughter. I want her.
00:06:16
Xochitl
To succeed or do the best for her on her own terms. But you know, I'm not going to give her unsolicited advice. I'm not gonna make her feel unsupported accidentally by pressuring her even more.
00:06:29
Jack
Yeah. And I think that's uh, parents.
00:06:31
Jack
Have a very.
00:06:33
Jack
There's a there's a a strong urge to do that sometimes, and I'll tell you what. Like, you know, Tiger moms and helicopter moms get a really bad reputation, but they they're nothing close. Not they're not even nearly as bad as.
00:06:38
발표자
Yeah.
00:06:47
Xochitl
Hmm.
00:06:53
Jack
Sports dads.
00:06:56
Jack
Sports dads are, you know, they're, you know, yelling at their kid, you know, do this, do that. You gotta prepare this and you know, don't you know, swing your baseball bat this way or kick the soccer ball this way and you know, they get so invested.
00:07:16
Jack
That we have a word for it. It's called Vicarious to live vicariously through your child, and basically what that means is that the father is living out his sports fantasy through his child.
00:07:35
Jack
And so his self esteem and his self worth is all tied up in the child's performance, and that's too much pressure for a child to carry. It's such a burden and so and they and and they I feel like no one ever criticizes the sports dad. You know the crazy.
00:07:54
Jack
It's always the tiger mom and the helicopter mom that gets the bad reputation. But there's a dad version that is just as bad.
00:08:03
Jack
Or worse so.
00:08:04
Xochitl
Yeah, I have a dad just like that. And it wasn't even just about sports. It was about literally everything in my life.
00:08:10
Xochitl
And he could never say anything positive about anything. He was always like it just was never good enough for him.
00:08:17
Jack
Right.
00:08:18
Xochitl
He was just. That's something about dads like that. And uh, a lot of culture that's really common. It's not as.
00:08:24
Xochitl
Common in American.
00:08:25
Xochitl
Culture. But my dad slipped through the cracks or something. He's like, he is absolutely insane. He's so.
00:08:31
Jack
Well, your dad is old school, you know. They like the World War Two generate. You know, baby boomers like, you know, just boys don't cry.
00:08:34
발표자
And.
00:08:41
Xochitl
The Cold War, right? But like still? Yeah, he was a boomer. He's a he's a.
00:08:46
Xochitl
He's a limit between Boomer and Gen. X.
00:08:49
Jack
Right, right. He he's almost Gen. X. But like what I mean by baby boomer is like their parents were like ohh, you think this is bad? Well, how about World War Two when I was flying airplanes over Germany? You know, it's like, so just shut up and eat your vegetables. You know that kind of.
00:09:07
Xochitl
Yeah, you think this is bad? I'll beat you up and no, no listeners, but yeah, it was very bad. So I know his parents are really hard on him. And then he and in turn, he was really hard on us and and.
00:09:08
발표자
Right.
00:09:11
Jack
Yeah, exactly.
00:09:15
Jack
Yes.
00:09:20
Xochitl
Ultimately, it never helps your kids because you just give them low self esteem, which is.
00:09:24
Xochitl
What? Yeah.
00:09:24
Jack
Yes, you give them low self esteem. You, you, you, you, you shatter their their their ego. You know they're they're kind of the their ability to like trust their instincts and trust their decision makings and process and you you just make them very much like insecure about you know the.
00:09:35
발표자
Even though.
00:09:44
Jack
The ground that they're standing on, you know, you know.
00:09:46
Xochitl
Yeah.
00:09:47
Xochitl
Yeah. And you make them like perfectionist and they're completely blinded. It says we say have a saying in English. The perfect is the enemy of the good and that's.
00:09:56
Xochitl
As if you're only trying to do perfect things, you will just you never get anything done. It's because it's never good enough. It's like you could do a Mona Lisa painting and then you went and and tore it to shreds and threw it in the fire.
00:10:07
Xochitl
Pit because you.
00:10:08
Xochitl
Were like ohh the way her eye, the twinkle in her eye wasn't done exactly perfectly, so I'm going to start all over again.
00:10:14
Jack
I'm throwing it away because every time I move, she's looking at me and I don't like that, you know.
00:10:19
Xochitl
Right. Yeah. And so it's definitely a a big factor in in parenting and.
00:10:26
Xochitl
I think this new generation of parents, I'm proud of the fact that I think they learned a lot from their parents and what best for their kids, you know, and are doing the best and it's. Yeah, it's important to support them.
00:10:31
Jack
Yeah.
00:10:38
Jack
Well, it's it is true. And this is we're off topic now. But you know we we pass our damage. You know our our, our our damages you know our our.
00:10:50
Xochitl
Almost.
00:10:51
Jack
Our traumas, we pass those on to our kids even though and we we don't do it consciously it it happens subject.
00:11:00
Jack
Obviously and but, but if you can recognize the trauma, then you can kind of do something about it. And so, you know, I, I decided long ago I'm never gonna be a helicopter parent. I'm never gonna. I'm never gonna be involved in the ballet except as a cheerleader. I'm just her biggest fan.
00:11:21
Jack
And that's it. And so it's only positive I only cheer for her and I don't tell her what to do or how to do it or anything, cause it's none of my business that's for her coaches. That's for her teachers.
00:11:33
Jack
To do and it's made. It's made a huge difference. You know, there's, there's there's no friction between the two of us. Yeah. No resentment. Yeah.
00:11:34
Xochitl
Right.
00:11:40
Xochitl
Yeah, we got me in fiction. Yeah, that's important. Yeah. Alright. Well, tell us, have you ever felt a second hand emotion, whether it be feeling embarrassed for someone else, nervous for someone else, excited for someone else and also let us know what kind of parenting style did your parents engage in and what's common in your culture and your?
00:11:59
발표자
OK.
00:12:00
Xochitl
We're very interested to know, leave this comment down below at A-Z englishpodcast.com shoot us an e-mail at at ozspodcast@gmail.com and make sure to join the WeChat and WhatsApp groups to talk to Jack and I directly. And if you can spare a little extra money, make sure to sign up for exclusive content as that really helps Jack and I be able to create more content.
00:12:17
Xochitl
And I'll see you guys next time. Bye bye.
00:12:19
Jack
Bye bye.
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