The Nonlinear Library LW - On saying "Thank you" instead of "I'm Sorry" by Michael Cohn
Jul 8, 2024
05:51
Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: On saying "Thank you" instead of "I'm Sorry", published by Michael Cohn on July 8, 2024 on LessWrong.
Back in 2016 or so, I ran into an idea going around the self-help / trauma-informed-therapy / cognitive-behavioral internet: Learn to say "thank you" instead of "I'm sorry". It's turned out to be one of the most transformative pieces of advice I've ever taken. I'd like to share what it's done for me, with just enough context to help others think about adopting it.
The idea
Whenever you want to apologize to someone who has done something for you, consider thanking them instead.
Examples
I trip and fall, and you help me up. I could apologize for inconveniencing you or I could thank you for helping me.
I refer to the fat guy statue in a Chinese restaurant as Buddha, and you politely inform me that it's actually Budai / Hotei. I could apologize for being stupid or I could thank you for making me smarter.
I'm having an absolute garbage day and in the middle of an intellectual discussion with you I start crying. You stop talking, listen to me sympathetically, maybe give me a hug. I could apologize for being a mess or I could thank you for being kind.
In all these cases I've found that I end up feeling better about myself and more positive towards the other person if I thank them for helping me instead.
Is this just a generic post about growth mindset / cognitive-behavioral therapy / positivity bias?
It's got elements of all those things but I think there are some much more specific shifts that it creates in me and in the person I'm thanking. See below for more.
But first, counterexamples
I do still apologize if I've objectively harmed someone or failed to fulfill a duty or a promise. Like:
I trip and fall, spilling coffee on you.
I tell you the guy is the Buddha, you believe me and repeat it around a group of Chinese people, and they think you're an idiot.
I'm having a terrible day and in the middle of an intellectual discussion with you I call you an idiot.
That's what apologies are for. But I've learned that a lot of my apologies were just for, like, existing, and that's where I've found it awesome to express gratitude instead.
Why "thank you" is awesome
Ways saying "thank you" affects me
It frames things in terms of a positive emotion, gratitude[1], instead of a negative emotion, regret.
It puts us on the same side. When I apologize, I feel like there's me, the hapless mess, and the other person, who is competent and picking up the slack for me. When I thank them, I feel like we're buddies working together.
It keeps me engaged. "I'm sorry" is about my own behavior, so it works with my natural tendency to disappear into my own head and ruminate about how badly I screwed up. "Thank you" is about the other person's behavior, so it focuses me on continuing our interaction instead.
And in the long game, it reinforces to me that relationships thrive on a give-and-take of kindnesses. Even if they do a little more for me than I do for them, we both end up better off than if we carefully kept the sum forever at zero.
Ways I hope it affects the other person:
When you apologize to someone, you're emphasizing that you did something to them. But most people would probably prefer to think of themselves as an altruistic / kind / efficacious person who chose to help you[2], and feel good about themselves as a result. Thanking them helps them with this as well as showing that you empathize with their actual emotional state.
Similarly, "thank you" implies that I'm happy about what they've done for me, which enhances our connection by emphasizing that we're feeling the same emotions.
When someone asks your pardon or expresses that they feel bad, you're expected to tell them "it's okay" or something similar. That means that in my efforts to atone for bothering them, I've put another obliga...
Back in 2016 or so, I ran into an idea going around the self-help / trauma-informed-therapy / cognitive-behavioral internet: Learn to say "thank you" instead of "I'm sorry". It's turned out to be one of the most transformative pieces of advice I've ever taken. I'd like to share what it's done for me, with just enough context to help others think about adopting it.
The idea
Whenever you want to apologize to someone who has done something for you, consider thanking them instead.
Examples
I trip and fall, and you help me up. I could apologize for inconveniencing you or I could thank you for helping me.
I refer to the fat guy statue in a Chinese restaurant as Buddha, and you politely inform me that it's actually Budai / Hotei. I could apologize for being stupid or I could thank you for making me smarter.
I'm having an absolute garbage day and in the middle of an intellectual discussion with you I start crying. You stop talking, listen to me sympathetically, maybe give me a hug. I could apologize for being a mess or I could thank you for being kind.
In all these cases I've found that I end up feeling better about myself and more positive towards the other person if I thank them for helping me instead.
Is this just a generic post about growth mindset / cognitive-behavioral therapy / positivity bias?
It's got elements of all those things but I think there are some much more specific shifts that it creates in me and in the person I'm thanking. See below for more.
But first, counterexamples
I do still apologize if I've objectively harmed someone or failed to fulfill a duty or a promise. Like:
I trip and fall, spilling coffee on you.
I tell you the guy is the Buddha, you believe me and repeat it around a group of Chinese people, and they think you're an idiot.
I'm having a terrible day and in the middle of an intellectual discussion with you I call you an idiot.
That's what apologies are for. But I've learned that a lot of my apologies were just for, like, existing, and that's where I've found it awesome to express gratitude instead.
Why "thank you" is awesome
Ways saying "thank you" affects me
It frames things in terms of a positive emotion, gratitude[1], instead of a negative emotion, regret.
It puts us on the same side. When I apologize, I feel like there's me, the hapless mess, and the other person, who is competent and picking up the slack for me. When I thank them, I feel like we're buddies working together.
It keeps me engaged. "I'm sorry" is about my own behavior, so it works with my natural tendency to disappear into my own head and ruminate about how badly I screwed up. "Thank you" is about the other person's behavior, so it focuses me on continuing our interaction instead.
And in the long game, it reinforces to me that relationships thrive on a give-and-take of kindnesses. Even if they do a little more for me than I do for them, we both end up better off than if we carefully kept the sum forever at zero.
Ways I hope it affects the other person:
When you apologize to someone, you're emphasizing that you did something to them. But most people would probably prefer to think of themselves as an altruistic / kind / efficacious person who chose to help you[2], and feel good about themselves as a result. Thanking them helps them with this as well as showing that you empathize with their actual emotional state.
Similarly, "thank you" implies that I'm happy about what they've done for me, which enhances our connection by emphasizing that we're feeling the same emotions.
When someone asks your pardon or expresses that they feel bad, you're expected to tell them "it's okay" or something similar. That means that in my efforts to atone for bothering them, I've put another obliga...