How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Teens: Calm & Effective Parenting Strategies

Jun 13, 2024

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Is setting boundaries with your teen, especially around technology and social life, feeling like an endless battle? What if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot-button issues without the yelling and power struggles?

In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Tia Slightham, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and, most importantly, a mom, who truly understands the challenges parents face. Tia shares proven strategies from her "Parenting With Purpose Method" to help parents achieve peaceful communication and cooperation with their teenagers. Together, they dive into setting clear expectations and boundaries in ways that promote mutual respect—no drama required. If you’re looking to strengthen your connection with your teen while navigating tough issues, this episode is for you!

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

How to establish clear expectations for your teen without causing power struggles
Why understanding the root causes of behavior is essential for effective parenting
Practical tips for setting boundaries that promote cooperation, not conflict
The Behavior Needs Roadmap: A solution-focused approach to meeting your teen’s needs and teaching life skills

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

Parenting is a skill set that can be learned and developed over time—it's never too late to improve your relationship with your teen.
Understanding the root causes of your teen’s behavior helps you address the issue, rather than just punishing the symptoms.
Setting boundaries with your teen in advance and involving them in the process leads to mutual respect and cooperation.
Teens crave authentic connection and trust with their parents. Show a genuine interest in their lives, and you’ll strengthen your bond.
Prevent power struggles by creating a respectful relationship where boundaries are clear and communication is consistent.

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

EPISODE CHAPTERS:
00:00 - Parenting as a Skill Set
03:15 - Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior
07:39 - Setting Boundaries with Mutual Respect
10:46 - The Behavior Needs Roadmap
14:21 - Navigating Challenges: Phone Usage
27:20 - Engaging with Teens in Their Interests
31:37 - Building Trust and Connection through Small Conversations
34:07 - Preventing Power Struggles through Trust and Boundaries
37:40 - It’s Never Too Late to Make Change

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: TIA SLIGHTHAM

Website: www.tiaslightham.com
Instagram: @tiaparentingcoach
TikTok: @parentingcoach
YouTube: Tia Slightham - Parenting Solutions

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: DR. CAM CASWELL

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam

Hey parents, is setting and keeping boundaries with your teen a constant battle, especially around technology and social life? You're not alone. But what if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot button issues without the yelling and power struggles? That's what we're talking about in today's episode. I'm joined by a leading parenting expert, Tia Slightham. Tia, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and most importantly, a mom, understands the challenges parents face.

She's going to share some proven strategies from our parenting with purpose method to help you achieve peaceful communication and cooperation from your teenager. Tia, welcome to the show.

Tia Slightham (00:41.153)

Thanks for having me, yeah, mom of teens, so I definitely get it.

Dr. Cam (00:44.022)

Woohoo! Yes, me too. So we live this every single day. I think it's important to know what people are going through. Not at all. So Tia, what inspired you to become a parenting coach?

Tia Slightham (00:48.545)

Thank you. Yeah, and they're not alone. They're definitely not alone. I know, people ask me this all the time and it's so funny because we're talking to our teen boys right now who are 15 and almost 13. You know, what are you interested in? What do you want to be when you grow up? And to be honest, a lot of times we just don't know what we want to be when we grow up. And so when I was younger, I knew I always wanted to work with kids. I used to take my cabbage patch doll to the movie theater and feed it and burp it and need to leave the movie to go change it. My mom would have to get up with me so I could change the diaper. I mean, I was serious. I was dead serious about being a mom and working with kids. I just always loved kids. And so I started my journey as a kindergarten teacher. I had my master's in early childhood education and I absolutely loved it. I loved all those little five -year -olds and a lot of people hated being kindergarten teachers, but I loved it. And as time went on, I never knew that I would fall into this parent coaching role. It just happened. I ended up having kids of my own. I met my husband. I'm from the States. He's from Canada.

I moved to Canada, I wasn't legal to work, so I could no longer teach, and then I ended up becoming a mom, and again was fascinated by the fact that I loved being a mom. I loved the baby stage, I loved the toddler stage, but those around me, just like the kindergarten teachers, were struggling. They didn't love it. They were exhausted, their kids weren't sleeping, there were tantrums and meltdowns, and everything felt really hard. And I really reflected on why classrooms fantastic year after year and why are my two boys so great to be around? What am I doing that other people aren't doing? And that's when I really realized parenting is so much a skill set and not something that's intuitive and you're not supposed to have it figured out. And if you don't have it figured out, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up, but you are capable of learning the skills. And I just became super passionate and I built my business and I love what I get to do every day.

Dr. Cam (02:53.462)

It's so important to realize it is a skill set and just because we don't have them now doesn't mean we can't get them. And guess what? Raising a teenager is a whole new skill set. It is not. The skills we used and developed earlier on don't work anymore. In fact, they backfire. And so now we got a whole new skill set to develop.

Tia Slightham (03:15.777)

Yeah, it's really understanding. I always say to parents why the behaviors are happening in the first place, whether they're toddlers or teens. If you don't know why they're back talking, why they're pushing back, why they're resentful or in revenge mode, and you're just trying to force them to stop doing those things instead of going to the root of the why, it doesn't matter the age of your child, you're always going to struggle. So learning that skill set to understand why is so critical.

Dr. Cam (03:44.15)

Tia, let's get into this because I mean, I work with parents as well and it seems so easy to say to do that. And yet I see time and again, parents, even after we've had a whole conversation about it, fall right back into the blaming their kid, you need to do this, that attitude is bad, that's not okay, you just need to stop. And it just escalates so quickly.

How do we change our mindset from a, I don't accept that behavior from my kid, that's not okay, I just have to put an end to it, to a, I need to understand this behavior if I'm actually going to find a solution to stop it.

Tia Slightham (04:26.145)

I was actually just doing a training before this and we were talking about the idea that insanity, the definition is doing the same thing over and over, but it not working and not getting any different results. That's parenting. Literally we're just parenting, doing the same things over and over, hoping our kids are gonna change.

Dr. Cam (04:36.534)

Yeah, that's also parenting. We do. Getting mad at them for not changing even.

Tia Slightham (04:47.905)

Yes, and saying, I told you 92 times, you obviously speak English, we're both logical here, you know better, but they still don't do what you ask them to do. And what I always say to parents is that it's not about that simple tip or trick that you listen to on a podcast or a video or YouTube or in a parenting book. It's all the pieces of the puzzle. And so when we say, we go to bed at night in tears, tomorrow I'm not gonna yell, tomorrow I'm gonna be calm, tomorrow I'm gonna show up and really respond to my kids without reaction. You mean that, you want that, but it's not possible to do without all the pieces of the puzzle. And so inside, when I work with parents inside my coaching program, I've developed a system known as the behavior needs roadmap. And this is BNR for short, but it's helping parents differentiate and determine have I met the needs for my kids from a basic standpoint of sleep, nutrition, security, transitions? Have I met the needs from an emotional standpoint? Are my kids power and attention buckets or cups full each and every day? Do I know how to do that? And most importantly in the third box, do I have the skills needed to parent with discipline and not punishment? So, I know it's such a big one.

Dr. Cam (06:07.094)

People struggle between even separating those two. I think we all, consequences too, like I feel like consequences is now this new word that we use to say we're not punishing it, but it's punishment. Let's be real, because we only do negative consequences. So it's another form of punishment.

Tia Slightham (06:23.137)

Yeah, if you don't know how to set them up properly, for sure you're falling back into the punishment trap.

Dr. Cam (06:28.342)

This is one of the biggest challenges. And I know when you go into these different areas, and I think one of the struggles that we have is when our kids become teenagers, what fills their power and need and behavior buckets is very, very different than it was when they were little. And we keep trying to do what we did when they were little and don't understand why they're getting angry and upset and not listening and ignoring us and talking back and giving a slip and that's not okay. So how do we establish boundaries if we're not punishing them when they break them?

Tia Slightham (07:10.881)

So the idea is that we want to teach our kids to do better next time. And we actually have to teach our kids how to do better next time. We want to stop the unwanted behavior. All those things are facts. But the challenge is typically our child has an unwanted behavior and our mindset and our paradigm is do something wrong, you need to suffer. Do something wrong, you need to learn a hard lesson. And a lot of that's because that's how we were raised and we don't know any different.

But if we really step back and we say to ourselves, has there ever been a time in your life where another adult, a boss or a partner or a friend yelled and screamed at you or got mad at you or threatened you and you stood up and were like, yeah, you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to do better. I'm going to change.

Dr. Cam (07:54.23)

I feel so motivated and I love that boss so much. I respect that boss so much. No. Yeah.

Tia Slightham (07:58.753)

Yeah, I want to really do well. Yeah, we don't we say screw you. I don't like you. You're an awful person. I don't want to be around you. And now that's what we're doing with our parenting to our kids. We're yelling and we're demanding and we're overpowering. And then we want them to show up and do better, but we're not actually setting them up to do better. And we're not teaching them any skills to do better. So the key is that when we set boundaries and this is a tricky thing for parents too. We usually say boundaries, we don't set boundaries and when we say boundaries we've repeated ourselves 92 times and yes they speak English and yes maybe they heard us one of the 92 times but we're not setting boundaries and in order to set boundaries in a way that's not punishment so that we're having mutual respect is to do everything in advance.

So the idea isn't that your kids come home and you just now get to say, you do your homework or you're not gonna have any TV time. That's you calling all the shots. That's you overpowering your kids and your kids saying, screw you. But if in advance you set a boundary and I think about it as three key parts. One, identify what your boundaries are. Like what do you really want that situation to look like? What do you need your kids to do from start to finish and lay those out, bring your kids on board, especially with teens and older kids, you know, sitting down with them and saying, hey, I need you to come in the door and we need to do homework first before we move to our devices. So how much time do you think you need? 30 minutes or 40 minutes? 40 minutes or an hour? Like give your kids some power, give them some control. Sit down with them, have a conversation, lay out the plan and teach, train and practice for number two. And I know sometimes parents are like, well, my teens don't really need to practice. My teens understand what I'm saying.

When I say teach, train and practice, I mean, you've got to pretend like they don't speak your language. Like they're coming from another country and you've got a foreign exchange student and you're going to walk through that plan because otherwise your boundaries are in your mind. They're not on the table and you're expecting your kids to do what you want them to do without really showing them. And then the third part for boundary setting is what is your follow through when they don't do that plan what happens when you set it up that way. What we've done is we've said, great, we've got a plan. We're on the same team. We're on the same page. When you do X, Y can be the outcome, which you love. Or when you choose not to do X, Y is not available, but it's totally in your court. You get to decide. Now it's not us saying, well, you didn't do your homework. You don't get this. We actually have a plan in place and we're giving our kids autonomy and power and independence to do what feels good so they like the outcome versus not.

Dr. Cam (10:50.582)

There's so much important stuff about this and it sounds very logical hearing it. And I think what happens is people go, okay, and then they go home and they're like, I don't understand. So let's walk some like, walk through some very common situations where parents struggle to establish and even more so enforce or maintain boundaries. So a big one is using the phone, particularly with teenagers using the phone at night or too much. How do we set a boundary around the phone where we're not going to have a power struggle and fight every single night?

Tia Slightham (11:32.065)

So yes, we have to talk about that. But before we even get into that, we have to remind ourselves if we haven't learned how to avoid the punishments and we're still yelling and taking things away and engaging in power struggles and trying to over control your child, when you go to set that boundary, they're not gonna wanna follow through for you. They're not gonna wanna respect you. And so that's where all the pieces of the puzzle are so critical and looking at that behavior needs roadmap to set your child up for success so they can cooperate in those moments is critical. So if you take what we're talking about today, if you're listening and you try and implement and you're like, but it didn't really work the way I wanted it to work, ask yourself, do I feel like I'm still punishing? Am I still engaging in power struggles? Because then that's where we wanna dig deeper and do some work. Surface implementations are tricky if we don't have those root things resolved, okay?

Yeah. And people will often go, I tried it once, it didn't work. So I'm going back to the way that I've been doing it for years. That doesn't work. And it's been making things worse. So I think it's not going to likely work the first time for multiple reasons. First of all, you're still developing the skill, so you're not great at it. And second of all, your teen also has habits that need to break and they're used to it. And they have to trust you. They have to trust you. And right now they don't. They don't trust you because maybe you live in what we call the gray zone, where sometimes you give in and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you yell and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're patient, sometimes you're not. And so our kids have a hard time trusting us. And because they're born with those two predetermined jobs to please you and to push boundaries until boundaries are found, if you're in the gray zone and you're inconsistent with your boundaries, of course, you're not going to be able to do that they're pushing you and pushing you. So it takes time to keep setting and setting boundaries consistently so we can build that trust back.

Dr. Cam (13:26.518)

What's important here too, and what I think is very different with teenagers as well is those boundaries, we have to be very, very clear, even to ourselves, because all us parents, and they can't explain why that boundary is there at all. I'm like, well, if you can explain it, how are you teaching your teen why that's a necessary boundary? And now they don't trust you because they don't understand why that boundary just feels like control, nothing else.

We need to be clear and we also need to continuously adapt as our kids shows, I'm okay in this boundary because we're learning them. So let's go now, we've laid out that. So now let's go. Our teen, we have told them over and over again, do not use your phone at night. And it is either I take it away and they get really upset or I don't take it away and they look at it all night long. How do I establish this boundary without a fight every night?

Tia Slightham (14:21.409)

Yeah, so we're going to go back to that three step plan and let's like put that in play. So we need to identify, we call it three C's boundaries. So yes, you mentioned it being very clear. We call it concrete, clear and consistent. What are those three C's boundaries that we need our kids to follow? So I use my own kids for an example, 15 and almost 13. My fifth, they're both into Snapchat and all the things and they want to be on their phone and I want them to socialize and I want them to be able to create their own social plans. And I think all of that is positive when we have boundaries around it. And so in our house, our boundaries that are concrete, clear and consistent are, you know, I know where each of them plug their phones in at night and where that is out of their rooms downstairs. I need their iPads and their computers, invisible site the top of the stairs so that I'm not searching for them and when I see them sitting there and the phones are plugged in, we're good. We've got our plan in place. I don't want any devices in their rooms after a certain time. My 15 year old has a different time than my almost 13 year old. We've sat down, we've had the conversations about where those devices need to go, what time those devices need to come out, that I'm not going to give reminders for the devices. If I just don't see it at the top of the stairs, I'm not searching for it. That means I'm assuming it's in your room.

So we're really putting the control on our kids to say, do I have the self -management skills to put the things where they need to go? Can I handle these devices? Can I handle having boundaries around these devices? And then letting them know in advance what will happen when those devices aren't in those right spots. Or you come out of your room 10 minutes later than we talked about that it's an automatic, this is what will happen, we don't even need to talk about it because they know and I know. This is where you decrease the yelling and the anger and the you're taking things away from me, you're trying to control me. When you set it up like this, because it's now, shoot, you're right, I did come out of my room 10 minutes late. Shoot, you're right, I didn't plug my phone in. Instead of you doing everything to your kids, they're making choices for themselves. And then for us, our follow through is that when those things don't follow through, then the next day, we're a tech -free day. You can take your computer to school for when you need it, but you know what? I'll keep your phone for the day. It's a want to have, it's not a need to have. I know you love it, but it'll just be mine for the day and we'll reset. If parents are really struggling, their kids are like, well, I don't care if I lose it for a day. And we have to really think about what they're motivated by. If your kids, most of them are motivated by device and not to have it for a day is a bummer. But if they're not then you need to look at what their true motivation is when you set up your follow through or your positive discipline consequence. Does that make sense?

Dr. Cam (17:10.998)

Completely. And I think the other thing, and I want to get your opinion on this because I think one of the things I see that happens a lot is when we set that boundary up or that rule up, we set it up based on our perspective and our need and our solution. And especially when kids are older, if we're not taking into account their needs and they're a solution that actually works for them, a lot of times our solutions are counter to what their needs are, they're not, they're going to have a fit. They're not going to listen. And then it sounds like, this kid's a pain in the butt and he just wants what he wants. But he does want what he wants. We all want what we want. But if he's getting that upset, he's not getting something really important. It could be, yes, the phone, but what is it about the phone that's so important? And we need to understand that, right?

Tia Slightham (18:05.569)

Yeah, we have to see things from their perspective. And that's where I say involve your kids in your conversations when you're setting the boundaries. So my kids have always gone to bed early and way earlier than all their friends because I know how important sleep is. And I know that they show up and they listen and they cooperate and they do well at school and they feel better when they get to sleep. And a lot of times our teens don't think they need sleep. But if you're waking your kids up every single morning for school and dragging them out of bed they are not getting enough sleep and a lot of your power struggles are stemming from that need not being met on that roadmap. So a lot of times what happens is we are, we're setting boundaries for what our kids need, because we actually do, I mean, I hate to say it, but we know a little bit more than them, but it's not maybe what they want. And so when we think about what they want versus what they need. That's where we need to meet them in the middle a little bit. And that's where communication is key. And if we're really engaging in power struggles and anger with our teens, they're not gonna wanna open up to you. They're gonna feel overpowered or they're gonna be in trouble or you're gonna take something away. So if I look at Hudson, who's my 15 year old and we talk about what happened with their early bedtimes, he came to me and he said, mommy, I am, he still calls me mommy though, but mommy, I am 15 and I think I could stay up a little bit later.

I think I could and I don't want to sneak my device, but I do want to stay up a little bit later. What do you think? And I thought, you know what? Thank you for coming to me. Let's talk about it. What, what do you think? I think, why don't you, you know, bring your device out around 10 or 1015. You decide some nights we might have to do it earlier if we've had some big function happening, but for the most part that should work. And as long as it's out on the landing at 10 or 1015, let's do that. Does that feel good? Yeah, I like that. Okay, great.

So little brother doesn't know that's happening. He goes to bed, he's fine. And big brother gets to have that independence and autonomy. But I had to think about, yeah, he does want to stay up a little later. He can manage that. And I want him to know he can come to me and I'm going to work with him within reason. Now the conversation was, if we start to see, you know, spiral in schoolwork, you're feeling exhausted, you're really irritable and moody and you can't really handle it.

We might need to back it back up. So these are the things I'm looking for. So he knew it's worked out great. It's been fantastic. He feels heard. I feel seen. Everybody's happy.

Dr. Cam (20:29.174)

It's important that we're including the kids in this. And I know there is still people holding very strongly to kind of the beliefs of what were when we were younger. Like, I'm the parent, I'm the authority, I don't need to deal with whatever you have to say is not important. I know best, I'm just gonna take it. It's okay to do that if you are okay with the fact that you're not gonna have a connection, they're gonna fight back, and you're not gonna actually teach them any skills. That's fine, like go for it. But I think it's really important to realize we know now because we've evolved, just like physical health and everything else, we've learned so much more on how to take care of ourselves and how much better to interact with our kids to teach them the skills.

I want to throw that out there because I know there's people that are just not even open to it and it's going to take time. But one of the things I think parents really struggle with with this when it comes to boundaries is that line between being like the authority and this is it and just listen to me and being passive and just going, okay, whatever you need, we're just going to listen to you. And we kind of...

pendulum swing between the two and neither work well. How do we find this middle? What does a boundary look like in the middle?

Tia Slightham (21:57.601)

So we're kind of we're stuck in what we call either being the overpowering tiger where your kids need to listen to you because you said so or the wet doormat where your kids just walk all over you and you're right neither of them work and then we want to get to that positive discipline parent where we have mutual respect and so the boundary looks like we talked about in advance, bringing your kids on board, having conversations with them, hearing out what they need, what their wants are, meeting them in the middle where it makes sense, building that open line of communication so you're not just saying it's this way or the highway, but really bringing them on board. And I think what happens is parents are afraid to bring their kids on board because they're afraid they're going to lose control. But what we don't realize is we've already lost control if you're yelling and screaming and trying to force your kids.

Dr. Cam (22:51.098)

And like you said, we're not actually teaching them any skills or we're teaching even worse, we're teaching them the skill of here's how you get what you get your way. You yell and scream until we give in. And that is not a great skill to take out into the world. Like that's what we're teaching.

Tia Slightham (23:09.185)

Yeah, and if you think about Hudson with his iPad, there were a lot of skills that were taught. He was taught that when he does the things that we talk about and we build trust, he gets more independence, he gets more freedom, more time on his phone, that he's managing the clock and watching that on his own, even if he's in the middle of something that he's enjoying, that he can have that freedom. He's learning that when I choose not to do that Gosh, things don't work out the way that I want them to work out, but when I make a better choice, it does. Whereas if you just yell and scream and take the device and say, that's it, you're done, I've already asked you 92 times to get off of it, we actually didn't teach any of those things.

Dr. Cam (23:47.878)

Right. And we actually just made them want it more. So now it's just become an even more desirable thing and we've become the enemy. So I think...

Tia Slightham (23:57.633)

And part of them wanting it more is the fact that they're looking for something and someone to bond and connect with. And with teens, I know as a teen mom, it's very scary, the internet and phones, and they're talking to people from all over in different schools. And the idea is that if we don't build a strong bonding connection with our kids where they feel like they trust us and they can lean on us and they're not afraid of us they're gonna look for that in other places that are not healthy places. And so I think our kids who are so addicted to phones, it's because they're missing a really strong bond and connection with their parents. And I know a lot of parents are probably saying right now, well, my teen wants nothing to do with me. My teen doesn't wanna talk to me. They don't like me. They say they hate me. They want to connect with you so desperately, but they don't know how. And as parents, we have to say, I'm not gonna wait around for my teen to figure out how to make this right. They are the child. I need to figure out how to make this right.

Dr. Cam (24:58.422)

We know nothing else works without connection and trust. It just doesn't. Like you know, it does not work without it. And trust is not something you can say, hey kid, trust me. That does not work. I've never seen that work, nor respect. Fear and respect, not the same thing, right? Trust and respect is something that you earn and grow over time. And how we do that is by trusting and respecting them which a lot of parents just don't feel comfortable doing. So explain to me a little bit on how do you start building that trust with a kid that right now wants nothing to do with you and has no trust in you and you do not trust anything they say or do either. Because I hear this a lot.

Tia Slightham (25:51.713)

Hmm. Yeah. So we have to start small and we have to remove the pressure. So a lot of times what we think is that we talk about how our kids need to be connected to us, but more so than anything, we also really need to be connected to our kids. Parents feel so down and sad and regretful and shame and empty when you don't feel like you have a relationship with your kids. So as much as they need us, we also need them. And so we have to remember, look at the whole picture and say, gosh, we've been in this combative state. Like I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. Like I wouldn't want to really be my friend right now either. So how can I dip my toe back in and sort of open things up with them? So we've got to get to a place where I always say to parents, start working on one area. So if you're going to start setting boundaries, choose one area. It's morning routines, it's devices. Maybe it's coming home from school and your homework routines. You're not going to fix everything at once or not ripping the carpet out. So choose one area that you might want to focus on when you start to build those boundaries, but at the same time, build your relationship. So what I mean is we do what's called golden time. It's like a five ingredient formula and every, you know, psychologist and doctor and teacher and parenting expert does some sort of form of this where they want you to spend quality time with your kids. I mean, it makes perfect sense. So I want you just to carve out, even if it's five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. where you show interest in your teenager. And that interest might be where you say, can you show me, let's do that TikTok dance together. Like I'm terrible at those things. My rhythm is not what my 13 year olds is. But you know what? It's pretty fun to sit down and do it together and they giggle with you and they laugh at you. It might be, hey, let me play that NASCAR game with you and show me, how do I even use this remote? Show interest in what they're interested in because most of the time what they think is the things they like are the things we hate, the things we don't want them on, the things we don't want them to do. And so they feel no connection or sort of a sense of alignment with us. So I want you to think about engaging with them in something that they're interested in. They will be so pleased to see that you are interested in something they're interested in.

Dr. Cam (28:10.294)

There are several points I just want to reiterate because it's so important. The first one is they do want to connect with you. I mean, years and years and years of talking to teens, every single one wants a connection with their parent, but not in the way that we're insisting we have it. I think that's part of it is that they want a connection with us in a real authentic connection, not in a mom and dad define what we do, what it looks like, how I have to act, when you define everything and it's a controlled situation that fits your needs, your kid wants nothing to do with it. So if you want to connect with your teen exactly what you said, be interested in what they're interested in. It is like magic. Magic. my gosh.

Tia Slightham (28:57.473)

their eyes will light up. They will look at you like you have nine heads. Like, what? you're interested in this?

Dr. Cam (29:04.918)

It's so fun and I love talking to teens and you just kind of throw out different ideas and just see what lights them up. It's just like you said, it's like throw a few things out and you'll see because they'll latch onto it and then they can just go when you find the right thing.

Tia Slightham (29:17.441)

Hmm, something as simple as would you like to walk to Starbucks? You know, like it's amazing the conversations I have when I take the dog and I invite one of my kids and say, let's walk to ice cream or walk to Starbucks. Like maybe it's, maybe it's ice cream. If they're not interested in Starbucks, most of the kids are like, yeah, let's go do that. but we've got to get to a place where they feel like when they go for that walk, it's not going to be your opportunity to corner them into all the things they're doing wrong, but it's just a free flowing conversation and once you start, a lot of times people will say, well, my teens shut down. My teens won't open up. My teens don't want to talk, but we're not giving them the right place and time and environment to allow them to open up. Last night we were at dinner, the four of us and both my boys are really getting into the girls and the dating and this is a whole new world for me. So I brought up with my younger one, how so and so doing? And he said, well,

I actually want to talk to you when you tuck me in tonight because we have really good chats then and I said, is it kind of private? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay, let's talk about it then. I thought how amazing that he knows what time of day is going to be a time that he can kind of off leash his thoughts and his feelings and come to me for advice and an ear to listen. And so it might be car rides for some kids. I always say before bed is a great time. My kids love their backs scratched. I lay down and scratch their back. We talk for a few minutes. It's not a, I'm not singing songs anymore and I'm not reading fairy tales. I wish I was, but we're scratching backs and we're talking, but they know that there's times on the walk or before bed that it's going to be a one -on -one opportunity for them to feel safe. And I think as parents, we need to carve out those times, whether you have younger kids or teens so your kids know that you're available and that you really want to be with them.

Dr. Cam (31:08.374)

Yeah, this requires a lot of patience because parents may listen and go, okay, today I'm going to invite them to Starbucks and this is going to be great. Chances are great that they might say no, that if they even said yes, they're not going to say a word to you. That is okay. You've made the first step. Keep inviting them. Keep having really teeny short little blips of conversations where it doesn't go south fast. Right?

Tia Slightham (31:20.641)

Yes And don't make it personal when they shut you down.

Dr. Cam (31:39.894)

No, not at all. Not at all. And I think that's what's really hard too, is it's very, very difficult for us to not take it personally. We're like, my gosh, what it... And it is, it's a matter of they are very concerned about our judgment. They are very concerned about getting our approval or not getting it. And so it's easier just to not do anything than to risk getting a disappointed look or lecture. And I think we get stuck there a lot.

Tia Slightham (32:10.145)

Yeah, and when you start, if they take an inch and they come in and they allow you to go for that walk or they just remind yourself that just listening is like the best thing you can do in that moment. You don't have to give your opinion. You don't need to come in hard and strong. Just listen. And it's amazing what they'll start to open up with when you just keep trying, pressure free, keep inviting, keep carving out time and keep your ears open.

Dr. Cam (32:40.406)

I want to circle this back to the boundaries and the power struggles and just be very help people tie what we're talking about to that. The whole point of this is when we have those trusting, respectful relationships with our kids and we set boundaries with them for their safety and we're clear with them, they don't fight back to that point. They may say, I disagree and can we listen and you talk about it and you figure it out, but you don't have those knockout, drag down power struggles anymore because they trust you. So building those relationships, that is what removes the need for the power struggles and the need for the frustration. They're not listening to me.

Tia Slightham (33:35.329)

Because deep down the why behind the behavior, why they're power struggling so much is those power and attention needs, that relationship, that bond is not met. Or our parenting is inconsistent and we're gray. Or we're giving in sometimes, or we're yelling, or we're overpowering. So all of those little pieces are why they give you such a hard time when you try and set a boundary. And when we can start to build that relationship and that trust, they're not doing it to get back at you anymore. It no longer becomes about you and your child. It becomes about the phone or the homework or the issue that you're dealing with. Whereas right now, for most parents, it's about you two instead of the actual issue itself.

Dr. Cam (34:20.598)

Yeah, it really is because when that's taken care of and the thing is, you're still going to have issues. Kids are still going to have, do things that you're like, that was not a good decision. You're still going to disagree with things. The thing is when you have that foundation, it's not that big a deal. Like you deal with it, you connect over it, you talk about it, you move through it and you're done with it and you're more connected before. And the two of us are both

parents of teenagers and so we're speaking from actual experience. Like this is how we live. Like I do not have power struggles with my teenager, but she is extremely respectful and responsible and participates in the house and does all the things with no arguing.

Tia Slightham (35:10.273)

because you're meeting all those needs and you're starting that relationship. We were driving to school the other day and I said to the boys, I'm just gonna lay it out for you guys, just so you know. You're teenagers, which means you're gonna make a lot of really stupid decisions. I know it. Like I did it, I was a teenager. I know. I said my job is to help you make the smartest of the bad decisions, the smartest of the stupid decisions.

Dr. Cam (35:11.702)

because we are very connected and she trusts me. I still do Tia. I still make dumbest decisions.

Tia Slightham (35:39.585)

So when I'm talking to you about things, it's only so that I can help you because your logical brain, you're not developed to where you're gonna be and as adults, we're still learning. So think about where you're at. But I just want you to know that I'm not here to make you feel badly about your decisions. I'm not here to make you feel badly about your mistakes. I just wanna help you learn from them because there's gonna be a lot of bad decisions, because that's what happens as we're growing up. It's how you learn. But I think having our kids know that is also important because a lot of times our teens in particular really fear letting us down. They fear getting in trouble. They fear that they can't please us in any way because we're always so angry with them. And I think that goes back to that connection and trust, but it's also connected like a giant spider web.

Dr. Cam (36:13.718)

Yeah, it really is. And I think starting right there with if you are constantly angry at your teenager, that's the place you need to start because you need to think through that anger because approaching your child in anger or viewing everything they do through that lens of anger will not build a connection because now you have this big barrier up and you just can't, you can't see through it. And that is so incredibly hard to do. None of this is easy. It is worthwhile though. my gosh, it is so worthwhile for you and for your kid. So Tia, what is like one big takeaway that you want parents to walk away with from this episode?

Tia Slightham (37:03.009)

Yep, absolutely. That it's never too late. And so often we say, well, my child's a preteen or a teen and there's no way we're gonna be able to make changes. I've already damaged my child. I've already created too much trauma. Our relationship's already shot and everything is fixable and it's never too late. And if your child is 16, 17, 18, they're still only been in this world 16, 17, 18 years. They're still little. They still have so much life to live. And if you want to build that relationship with your kids, you can turn things around with the skill set, with the tools, with the foundations.

Dr. Cam (37:47.478)

Yeah, one of the fastest ways to do that is to apologize. Because if we just say, hey, I, looking back, I'm not thrilled with the way I handled this. I know that we caused, I caused some chaos and some conflict and I, it's not the best. Because when we do that, sometimes the kids hold grudges for so long because they just are waiting for that one word, two words, I'm sorry. That's all they need to hear and all of a sudden so much of it can be pushed in the past and we can move forward if we're willing to look at that. I think that's it.

Tia Slightham (38:22.849)

Yeah, and that repair piece is so important. But one of the pieces that I really want to emphasize to parents is you can apologize and repair, but then what we want to role model with that is that we're going to do something different next time. Because a lot of times we say sorry for yelling and exploding, but the next day we just yell and explode again. So again, we lose trust because our apology is kind of meaningless.

Dr. Cam (38:43.126)

We do it again.

Tia Slightham (38:48.353)

So if you're really wanting to make changes, you do want to apologize and take ownership to your actions and your behaviors. But then you need to say to your kids, but hey, I'm working with a psychologist or a coach or I'm taking this program because I actually want to learn how to do things differently because I want to be the parent here. And it's not your responsibility, it's mine. But that takes learning the skills and it's not something you can just go to bed at night and say tomorrow will be better. You have to actually get guidance.

Dr. Cam (39:07.926)

Yeah, it is like any other task or job or anything we do, we need to learn it to get better at it and practice it to get better at it. Tia, how do people find you?

Tia Slightham (39:29.665)

gosh, I would say Instagram's probably the easiest place. I'm at Tia Parenting Coach and there's tons of videos and trainings and support there. And they can definitely DM me from there or they're welcome to go to my website, tiaslitem .com.

Dr. Cam (39:45.43)

I love it. Tia, thank you so much for jumping on with us today. I appreciate it.

Tia Slightham (39:48.513)

Yeah, I could chat for days with you, so we'll do it again.

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth.

Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.

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