The Narcissist, The “Let Them” Theory, And Internal Family Systems

Jul 1, 2025

Explore the viral 'Let Them' theory and its impact on survivors of narcissistic and domestic abuse. What seems freeing can often activate deep emotional wounds for those recovering from trauma. Delve into Internal Family Systems, revealing how conflicting inner responses complicate this approach. Find insights on adapting self-help theories to better support trauma survivors, and learn how to honor your healing journey while navigating complex emotions. This discussion is a vital resource for anyone seeking to break free from toxic relationships.

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ANECDOTE

Caroline Meets Mel Robbins

Caroline Strawson shares her experience meeting Mel Robbins and attending her talk on the Let Them Theory, appreciating its focus on reclaiming personal power.
She reflects on her past as a people pleaser and how this theory resonated with her journey of healing.

INSIGHT

Essence of Let Them Theory

The Let Them Theory promotes releasing the need to control others' actions and reclaiming your own power.
Attempting to control others leads to constant disappointment and self-blame, harming personal well-being.

INSIGHT

Complexity of 'Let Them' in Trauma

In abusive relationships, simply saying "let them" can activate trauma responses like shame and abandonment wounds.
Survivors' nervous systems may react with freeze, fight, flight, or shutdown, making letting go complex.

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In this episode of No Visible Bruises, I’m exploring something that’s gone viral recently, Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory and whether it actually supports or harms survivors of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, and coercive control.On the surface, the “Let Them” approach sounds freeing. Let them ignore you. Let them walk away. Let them show you who they are. But when you’re a survivor, especially someone recovering from relational trauma, “letting them” isn’t always simple. It can activate shame, abandonment wounds, or even put you back in harm’s way.So today, I’m unpacking this idea through a trauma informed lens, asking:

• Can “Let Them” truly empower survivors?

• Or does it risk invalidating your trauma responses?

• What happens when “Letting Them” feels like fawning or freezing, not freedom?

I also weave in Internal Family Systems (IFS), one of the key therapeutic approaches I use to show how different parts inside of us might respond to “Let Them” in wildly different ways. One part might crave detachment. Another might panic at the thought of being dismissed.I’m reflecting on:

• Why some self-help theories, while well-meaning, need adaptation for trauma survivors

• How IFS helps us make sense of conflicting inner responses • What “Let Them” looks like from a somatic and parts-based perspective

• And how we can take what works from the theory while still honouring our healing processIf you’re trying to unhook from a narcissist or toxic family system, this episode is for you. It’s raw, reflective, and designed to help you feel seen, not shamed.Don’t ever be alone in your journey and make sure you come and join my private Facebook community, No Visible Bruises where you can connect with other survivors of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse and coercive control:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/novisiblebruises.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions shared in this podcast are those of the individuals involved and are intended for informational and educational purposes only. They do not substitute professional or medical advice. If you’ve been affected by anything discussed in today’s episode, please consider reaching out to a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional for support. You’re not alone, and help is always available.