372: Love, Lust, Lies & Lost Motivation

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:45 Q1: Dating broke, unmotivated men in my 70's

13:40 Q2: Reparations: Trade, Force, or Fraud?

28:10 Q3: Daughter likes Bad Boys, but Mom and Dad want her to date the Dull Nice Guys

38:23 Q4: Searching for Spark After Lifelong Apathy

49:00 Final thoughts

Q1: How does a woman in her early 70s, who is neither broke nor retired and also engaged in several creative projects, feel good about dating a similar-aged man (both single of course), who is broke, retired, and has no outside interests other than her? I realize that many people at this stage are on SS# but when I was growing up, the man paid for dinner, etc. I can't help but not be attracted to a man who asks me to split or pay the whole bill. On the same hand I would feel bad even letting him pay if he were to try (which he hasn't) as i know he doesnt have it. I know this comes off as "entitled" but the question still remains, how does an older widowed or divorced woman, used to a man being a man (gallant )navigate the reality of older broke couch potatoes which seems to be all that is left in the older male dating pool? (I know this sounds terrible but I do lose respect for men who seem to be looking for a free ride and a recreation director).

Q2: In Episode 319 Dr Lisle talks about the various way animals go about getting resources: with their own hands, trade, force or fraud. I live in a country which had an indigenous people here before the Europeans arrived and settled here over 200 years ago. Many reparations have been made to the descendants of the original indigenous people in the form of land and money, but there is an ongoing, building movement to acquire more reparations and more acknowlegement for colonisation. It seems as if there is no way for the people of today to ever repay the 'wrongs' of the past. I'm trying to work out which way of getting resources this is. Is it in the end, just fraud?

Q3: One of our daughters is 30 years old. My wife and I suspect she typically falls for bad guys: self-assured, sometimes a little bit dominant and narcissistic. She has great fun with them for a while. Then their bad behavior such as aggression shows up. Since two years, she has a nice boyfriend: not dominant, very considerate, and with a lot of matches: like her he likes traveling, listening to music, having deep discussions. However, she doubts the relationship, mainly because being at home with him is considered 'dull' by her. She sometimes would like him to be more dominant and decisive. He seems not so self-assured and she claims this makes her less self-assured too. She would like to have children and thinks he would make a great father, but she really finds their relationship dull and feels not a lot of physical attraction anymore. How would Dr. Lisle decide whether he would advise her to lower her expectations (he has a lot of plusses) of whether he would advise her to break up with him? What information or criteria would make him giving advice in one or the other direction?

Q4: Dear Dr. Lisle, I feel like I'm finding it really hard to be motivated by anything in life, including relationships, career/success, helping others, food, resources, etc. When analyzing my past, I feel like I've always been this way - very unmotivated and non-competitive. However, the one thing that motivated me when I was young was the fear of getting in trouble or people being upset with me. Now that I'm a middle aged adult, I care a lot less about people being upset with me and so I'm just trudging through life and feeling pretty flat. The only thing I can think of is that I have a pretty nihilistic point of view. I remember the first time I really contemplated death on a deep level (I was around 7) and since then I feel like I've always been followed by a voice that says "what's the point of wasting energy, you and everyone you know will all be dead soon." I want to desire things and live life to the fullest, but I feel like my motivation and happy chemicals are somehow offline. Just to give some additional context - I am a pretty emotionally sensitive woman and when I do get sparks of motivation or awe, it feels really good - it just doesn't happen very often. I can't tell if there's something chemically wrong with me or if I've just developed a really negative outlook on life because of this one instance when I was 7. Any insights or hacks would be appreciated. (Also thanks for all that you do. I've really appreciated your thoughts over the years)

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

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