One Shared Vision Featuring The Entrepreneur's Wife - Amy Stefanik - FHR #326

Why Dave Decided to talk to Amy Stefanik:

“I never knew how to explain what my husband did for work.” For years this was Amy’s thought process until she decided she needed to change her perspective if she wanted to save her marriage. However, their marriage wouldn’t have been salvaged if BOTH of them didn’t take the time to understand the other. That’s just what Amy is here to help you understand, how you and your significant other can reach a mutual understanding in all things entrepreneurial. Always remember to share your vision with your audience but don’t you ever forget to share it with your spouse.

Tips and Tricks for You and Your Business:

(2:08) The Unconventional, Non-Secure Life and Then Back to Security and Conventional

(4:26) A Common Crossroads: Divorce or Understanding

(5:23) There Isn’t Anything for the Wife of the Entrepreneur’s Wife in the Market?

(6:18) “How Do I Explain What My Dad Does?”

(8:16) The Key to Entrepreneurial Relationships is the Understanding On BOTH Ends

(11:30) You’re Buying Her Flowers...She Hates Flowers

(13:56) Do You Know the Personality Type of of Your Spouse?

(14:59) HALT, Not the Time for Conversations

(17:20) You Are Forcing Others to Live By Your Self-Written Rulebook

(19:14) Channeling Your Entrepreneurial Zeal Into Your Relationships

(22:04) Do You Know What Success Means to You Personally?

Quotable Moments:

(5:02) “I made the decision when we came back together that I was going to know what this business was, because anytime somebody asked what my husband did I wouldn’t know what to say…”

(8:34) “Really I just think it’s the knowledge behind the communication. I believe that knowledge really isn’t more important than communication because if you don’t know how to communicate with your partner then you’re not going to be heard.”

(15:54) “He can’t do these things for me, I have to create this for myself. And then you’re two individuals standing right beside yourself not leaning against each other.”

Other Tidbits:

This is the book the ClickFunnels team have all been reading recently “Extreme Ownership” By Jocko Willink

Important Episode Links:

The Entrepreneur’s Wife BookTheEntrepreneursWife.com

One Funnel Away Challenge DotCom Secrets Book Email Dave Connect on Facebook Follow On Instagram

Episode Transcript:

Speaker 1:     00:00         Welcome to funnel hacker radio podcast where we go behind the scenes and uncover the tactics and strategies top entrepreneurs are using to make more sales, dominate their markets and how you can get those same results. Here's your host, Dave Woodward. Everybody, welcome back to [inaudible]

Speaker 2:     00:18         Funnel Hacker radio. This is going to be a lot of fun. I've got a dear friend of mine on the show today and I want to introduce you to, and this is Amy's Stefanic. Amy, welcome to show. Thank you for having me today. I'm so excited about it. We met down at the shipoffers dinner with the you and your husband mapped a doubt of T&C. Yeah. And it was great seeing him like that. You were kind enough to send me your book, the Entrepreneur's wife. So for those guys who don't have the book, first of all, go get the book. Entrepreneurswife.com. Uh, we're gonna be talking a lot about this. It's been a fun journey and I'm so excited. Uh, recently I did a couple of podcasts with my wife on this, on funnel hacker radio. So this is kind of a followup to that, but a little background on Amy.

Speaker 2:     00:55         Yeah. She's a wife. Three kids. Yeah. Three his mother published author Speaker along with her husband Matt. Uh, they'd been basically riding this whole entrepreneur rollercoaster. I love the way you kind of put that. Uh, she's the creator of the Entrepreneurs wife. And really I think the part I'm most excited about is your desire really kind of to help people understand this idea of this whole one shared vision. Yeah. And I think that's the part that's really tough for a lot of people. I know for my wife, we'd been married 25 years as of last November. It's been a fun roller coaster. There's ups and downs of any marriage, but when you add the entrepreneurial type of life to it, it, it changes things. And as I was talking to you about down in San Diego, my daughter in law, Fran, so my oldest son Chandler is 23, got married last year to Fran.

Speaker 2:     01:43         She's from Chile and it's been kind of, it's been interesting getting to know her. And, uh, when she, she grew up, her mom basically, I guess you would say it was an entrepreneur, but her whole view of this whole entrepreneurial thing was every entrepreneur was broke and he didn't have any concept of a wealthy entrepreneur. And so when she met my son who was really trying to go after the whole entrepreneurial thing, her whole thing was, no, no, you have to stay in college. You have to get a degree. And her getting her degree was real important. So she got that and then she got introduced to this whole entrepreneurial life. She followed you and she's like, oh my gosh, I got to figure out more about this. So with all that said, I want to kind of dive into your views on this whole entrepreneurial journey and really what you've created, this whole movement behind the entrepreneur's wife.

Speaker 1:     02:35         Yeah, I know. I mean, I feel it was my husband Matt for 17 years. Um, I was kind of the same line as your daughter in law. When I first started, you know, when I first met Matt, he was talking about, yeah, well, you know, dropping out of college and you know, going the entrepreneur route. And I was like, well, I just met the guy and I was like, Gosh, it's very interesting. Like, how are you going to get paid? Like, how are you going to make a paycheck? They didn't understand. I'm like, what's, you know, but I was interested, it was interesting to me that someone was going to create something out of nothing and that, you know, I didn't come from that background. My Dad, you know, worked, my mom stayed home. I have six brothers and sisters. Like it was very conventional and um, and it was just intriguing to me that he was going to create his own path.

Speaker 1:     03:18         And so, uh, you know, we got together, we got, you know, and got married and stuff. And at first we were in the real estate game and we were killing it as young, early twenties, like killing the real estate game. It was amazing. I'm like, entrepreneurship is amazing. It's the best thing ever. Well then the real estate market crashed and we lost everything. Three houses, two cars. I mean we had to sell everything. It was the worst one of the worst moments of our lives. And I'm like, I hate entrepreneurship. It's the worst thing ever. And so the, the journey from that depth and then climbing back out and that becoming super successful in internet marketing, um, I went at that moment of that debt and got a job in corporate America and the climb the corporate ladder went from receptionist to director of the risk department and just really created a safety net.

Speaker 1:     04:15         That's what that was my like, I'm never going to fall this heart again. This sucks. I'm not doing it again. And so I kind of stepped away from the dream and um, created this safety net and I thought that I was doing good, right? But now looking back, hindsight is hindsight. I wish I would've done things a little differently. And so, you know, climbing out of that hole on creating the safety net and going through the ups and downs, the ebbs and flows of marriage and business. You know, we came to a crossroads where Matt and I were facing divorce. I mean we were just like, we were on separate paths. We just, you know, I was a corporate girl that had this box that I wanted us to live in and he was the hot air balloon that wanted to fly and was just like, like, don't hold me down.

Speaker 1:     04:59         And I'm like, you know, we just kind of started to go our separate ways. And so we've looked over the cliff of divorced, we separated and then we decided, you know what, that's, this is not what we want this, you know, we've always been in this together. You know, we had a college of divine intervention and we came back together, but I made a decision. We came back together that I was going to know what this business was because for my entire life, if someone said, what does your husband do? I had no idea. I would be like, he sits in front of the computer, like I don't really know. And so I was like, I have to know I want to go all in. So I do both feet and I learned the business like it was my own and I started working the back end of the business.

Speaker 1:     05:44         I wanted to know everything about it, started going to events with Matt and speaking to other entrepreneurs and they were like, you have to talk to my wife. Like please, if you would just talk to her, she would understand that because for so many years I felt like I was on an island. No one understood me. I had my, he should crew. So everybody telling you what I, what he should be doing and when I should be doing. And I was like, ah. And so when I started going to events I'm like, oh my gosh, my Keeble, there are all these people that totally get me that understand. And so I started looking for something for the entrepreneur spouse. And there was articles here and there and maybe like, you know, a pamphlet, but there was really nothing for the entrepreneur spouse, but we're supposed to buying in 100% with no pushback, but we don't have the tools to that. And so I'm like, okay, I'm going to create this platform. And that's where the entrepreneurs, why see you?

Speaker 2:     06:34         I love it. I think it's been one of those things for me is I've taken a look. Um, I, Gosh, I'm sure my wife and my kids would probably felt the same thing as far as, gosh, what in the world is, how do you explain what my dad does? And I've, I've gone through a lot of different careers, uh, prior to click funnels. Like, Gosh, I've had, I've been involved in financial services, has been involved in tons in the real estate mortgage industries. Uh, on a side note, I just had fun flipping cars and went, you know, hundreds and hundreds of houses and hundreds of cars and I'm sure my neighbors thought I was a drug dealer with all the cars and things moving up. And in my kids are like, how do you explain what my dad does? And so I think that, um, as you, as you've had the opportunity of talking with other spouses, and I, I, I know you focused primarily on the entrepreneur's wife, but I see there's also the entrepreneur's husband these these days that, yeah. And so it kind of goes both ways. And so as I look at that whole entrepreneurial spouse, what are some of the advice and some of the things that you counsel or you, you provide to them to help them understand this whole crazy entrepreneurial journey?

Speaker 1:     07:37         You know, I started with the entrepreneur's wife because that's what I knew, right? But it's kind of has grown into, you know, entrepreneurs, because if you ask Matt, almost every single event that we go to, I ended up sitting in a corner with an entrepreneur, male, and he's crying, telling me how he wishes relationship would be better and he doesn't know how to relate to her. So the net, so that kind of opened my eyes to realize that it's two fold. It has to come from both sides, right? The entrepreneur wants to understand, doesn't understand why their spouse isn't a hundred percent supportive and then the spouse feels like they're not being heard and they don't have stability. And so on top of that's the common thread between the both. And so, you know, it is, um, it's interesting because a lot of the, if you look at all the entrepreneurial couples that I've spoke to, that I've interviewed, that I've coached and mentored, there's always a fine line of similarity between all of them.

Speaker 1:     08:35         And that is, you know, I want her or him to understand what I'm doing. I want them to be on board. I want them to be supportive, but I don't know how to get them to understand like what I need. There's a breakdown of communication in a way. And really it's just the knowledge behind the communication. I believe that knowledge is more important than communication because if you don't know how to communicate to your partner, then you're not going to be heard. And so it's really like going, it's going through each process and learning their spouse all over again. Like, you know, I use a lot of techniques that are in business. Like what are your, what is your spouse's personality type? Was their love language? You know, what kind of entrepreneur are they? You know, I know that is a rebel. I can't go to Matt and say we need to do this because he will look at me and say we don't need anything.

Speaker 1:     09:24         I know I can't do that. And so I have to know that I have to approach him differently and he knows that I am a rule follower and I like a lot of information. I'm, you know, I always tell them I'm your ride or die. I will go with you. You just have to make me a list so I know what I need to bring and where we're going and what's going to happen. We get there. And so knowing that it makes it easier to say, okay, you're not just being frustrating or a contrarion, this is actually who you are. So let me learn how to communicate with you the way that you are and hold space for that and honor that. And by them doing that, it makes them realize, hey, you know,

Speaker 2:     10:03         it

Speaker 1:     10:04         brings a whole new level of consciousness and understanding to the marriage and the relationship.

Speaker 2:     10:10         I remember years ago we went to Tony Robbins unleash the power within and it was really the first time I got introduced to this whole idea of our six human needs and the idea behind variety and, and stability. And it was, my wife needs that security. She, she longs for that stability. And I am like so far on the opposite as far as variety of like, I want change, I want it. I'm such a risk taker. And it's been interesting as, as we've learned to communicate more effectively through that kind of stuff that I need to always make sure as I'm, as I'm talking with her, that I'm helping her reinforce what is stable. Where is this that I have that I have a plan that it's not completely, I think at times, uh, when we first got married, everything she saw was, I was just, I was literally just going from one thing to another to another and she saw no plan.

Speaker 2:     11:00         She was totally freaked out going maybe, and again I loved your idea as far as the he should type of things. I'm sure, well I've lived and still does, he should do this, he should do that, he should do this. Um, my only reason to stay in that is it provides what I've learned personally I guess through it. And she and I were talking about this just recently was the importance for me to have helping her understand that there is a plan and that every entrepreneur rarely does an entrepreneur really go just off the wall all out, no idea what they're going to do and just try to take that kind of risk. For me, entrepreneurship is just the opposite. It's much more of a very calculated risk. But for a person who doesn't understand the calculations that I'm going through, uh, it seems completely just off the wall.

Speaker 2:     11:43         Crazy. Why in the world would you ever do something like that? And so I'm kind of curious as far as when you start working with people on this communication, how, what are some of the things and the tips that you help? You mentioned knowledge, but a person actually communicate more effectively because I know from myself, Amy's, I ended up getting so far down the road that I almost had to go backwards two or three years to actually get to a point to where it was like, let me give you an, there was no backstory for her. I couldn't just get right in. And so how do you actually, once there's a lot of water under the bridge, how do you that amount and say, okay, let me take a step back and actually repair where we're at.

Speaker 1:     12:23         Yeah, that's a great question because that was Matt Nye. I mean we didn't learn this whole communication knowledge, you know, understanding each other until like five years ago, six years ago and there was a lot of water and the bridge, a lot of bumps and bruises and scrapes and you know, self inflicted wounds and you're just like, okay, you know, how are we going to communicate with each other and not bring up the stuff that, you know, that doesn't need to be in this conversation. And so what we started, we started very simply, we started with the five love languages and we learned each other's love language. Super simple. Everybody talks about it. But it changed our marriage because it opened our eyes to like, hey, you know, there's something here because it all boils down to consideration, right? Are you considered enough to do the things that that your partner needs?

Speaker 1:     13:11         And so it really made us realize, okay, this is, this is why you are the way you are. This is what you need from me. I'm over here buying new stuff and you are, that doesn't mean anything for you. You know? It's like I'm giving you everything and I hear it all the time. I literally hear it all the time. Like I don't understand why she doesn't feel like I love her. I buy her flowers every week. Well, she hates flowers and her love language is words of affirmation. So you're not landing, you know? And so it's,

Speaker 2:     13:40         I'm only laughing because we've had these conversations for my wife. Quality time is like the most important thing in the world for her. And I'm, yeah, Gosh, it's not just quality, but that also means quantity. It's an entrepreneur I don't have anyways, so I'm laughing only because we've had these conversations so many times. And the flowers mean nothing to her. Yeah. Gibson, he's like not, I don't care about that. I'm like, yeah, everything you want.

Speaker 1:     14:04         Yeah. It's crazy. And so, you know, I, we start there and then I, we do the Gretchen Rubin's four tendencies types. And so that, that was big to understand what tendency type. Like how do you respond to expectations, right? When expectations are put on you or you're putting expectations on yourself, how do you respond to those things? And so we really dove into that and there was a lot of research behind it. We researched each other's personality type and that was great. 16 personality types was another one that we, um, that we kind of dove into as well. Pretty, pretty deep. And so with those three steps, by the end of that, you kind of have a, a full rounded circle of love business and tendency, you know, in that little, that little trifecta there. And so you can know, okay, this is who or how I need to love them.

Speaker 1:     14:57         This is how I need to speak to them and this is how they show up in the world. And so how can I talk to them and communicate in a way where I'm not triggering them? Because really that's what it's about, right? And you have a conversation, you say something and you're like, what? Why are you getting so mad? And another tool I use is halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Never have a conversation when you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired. And because those emotions, you will react in a way that you probably typically when it reacts for me, it's hungry. If I'm hungry, I cannot have a civil conversation because I'm just like, I act like a crazy person. And so when you're, when you're reacting from those four places in his, you know, you checked yourself. Like if I'm starting to feel like emotional and I don't know why I check in, I'm like, okay, why am I being triggered here?

Speaker 1:     15:48         And um, it's really a lot of, to be honest, Dave, it's a hundred percent responsibility. And that was the biggest thing with the communication for Matt and I is taking a hundred percent responsibility for how we show up and know that we're responsible for us. Like he can't make me happy, he can't make me feel secure. You can't do these things for me. I have to create this for myself. And then your two individuals standing beside each other and not link lean against each other and you can walk better down the path when you're standing straight. Right.

Speaker 2:     16:23         I think that's for me has been one of the biggest things. Um, you talked about ownership and I think it's the part, uh, extreme ownership is one of the books we've been reading recently. The office again, navy seal Jocko wilnick. Yeah. But I again, I love that idea as far as really taking that ownership and everything you made mention of it. I, I think, uh, too often, again, you kind of get, once you've got a lot of water on the bridge, you kind of assume things just are going to be certain. And, and again you've mentioned as far as that being considerate and I think at times due to assumptions, everything else, you forget how important consideration is for the other person. Yeah, I mean you would never, my wife have joked around about this a touch. It's like you would never talk to your employees or talk to your, your clients the way you're talking to me right now.

Speaker 2:     17:07         And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I just, we've been together so and, and again it's a, I appreciate, she's so kind and she's so sensitive to make sure I understand from a communication standpoint. And it's one of things I'm working out all the time. You're more so these days than ever is the importance of communicating the way that resonates with them. And I think we do it so often in business that it times, I don't think we translate that same need to those, the, we care the most about as far as family loved ones and, and our spouses obviously.

Speaker 1:     17:37         Yeah. And it's funny that you say that because we learned recently about creating a story for each other, right? When you create a story for your spouse of how they've acted in the past and you stick them in that on that page, right? You're like, this is who you are, this is how you show up. If this happens, this is how you're going to rack. But the problem with that is that you don't allow them to change it and evolve and grow themselves because you're, you're holding them to this book and so, and it's the book that you've written for them. And Matt and I heard this, um, we were traveling on a road trip and we looked at each other and I was like, oh my God, I'm never going to be the same. Like that just totally blew my mind because it's so true.

Speaker 1:     18:17         And you don't only do it with your spouse, you do it with your children, you do it with, you know, people that you're around a lot. You, you create a story for them and it's, it's kind of selfish in a way. Cause we were like, this is who you are. This is the book that I've written for you. And there you go. You stay here in this book because this makes me feel comfortable and it's crazy, but it's true. And so what Matt and I joke and say now as you know, if he's like, if he's, or if I'm saying, well this is how you're gonna react, so I don't, he's like, don't stick me in that book. Or you know what I mean? Like get off me. Don't put me in that book. And so it just, it's a reminder of like, okay, let me give you space. You are evolving and changing. You're an individual. You're not just my husband, but it's allowed me to look at him as Matt and not just, you know, Amy's husband.

Speaker 2:     19:00         I love that idea. That's definitely, I wrote that down. That's a, I know I've definitely create a very large book for my wife and a story that I've created for the Chia. I probably need to allow her to rewrite alumni chapters there. So it's a great analogy. I appreciate that. Well, did you take a look at a kind of where you guys are going from now? I know that I've seen, and you've talked a lot about some of the stories and things that have happened in past. What's, what's the new adventure? Where, where are you guys going? What's the next level from the entrepreneur's wife? Where are you going to take this thing?

Speaker 1:     19:31         Yeah. You know, it's crazy because I, the entrepreneur, his wife has always had wills of its own. Every time I say, you know, hold on, let me take a break. I just get pushed forward into something else. And so, you know, it's, what's next for the entrepreneur's wife is I'm doing a lot of masterminds and meet ups and, um, masterclasses and really trying to touch my audience one on one because I think that what we talk about is so personal. You know, everybody wants a solid marriage. And what's crazy is that we put so much emphasis and, and lean so far into the business. And I tell couples all the time, if you just take a portion of that hustle and just move it over to the marriage, it will do, you will thrive. You can have both. And so, you know, that's really where I see the entrepreneur's wife going is just doing, you know, doing more traveling, going and touching my audience and, and sitting down with them and doing, you know, the the masterclasses and doing the masterminds and speaking engagements and really just getting out there, letting people know that I'm not perfect people.

Speaker 1:     20:46         I mean I known for sharing all my dusty corners and all this stuff. I mean poor Matt, he's just like, do you? I'm like, yeah I do because this is good stuff. And so I'm Mike, this is real life. And so to the, uh, to the, the wincing and the holding of the bridge of the nose of my husband or a lot of, of the realness because marriage is difficult and it's not something that, you know, if you've been in it long enough, you know, that hey, you know, it's easy to be kind of self centered when it comes to, you know, your relationship because you, for me, I use the analogy of a, I'm the main actor and everybody else is just extras in my movie. And I have to like correct myself and say, okay, that's not, that's not good. Don't do that. And so that's, that's where I see, that's where, to get back to your question, that's where I see the entrepreneur's wife going. It's just more hands on with my community.

Speaker 2:     21:45         I love it. I think, yeah, I get it's, it's a message that's I think at the time you, and it's fantastic. It's, I'm seeing a lot of it in my own personal life, uh, with my own marriage and also now having a son who's now married and seeing him go down this journey. It's a, it's neat seeing basically a 25 year history and then a brand new marriage at the same time, both being impacted by a desire for a spouse to, to be this entrepreneur to go after it. They have those dreams. So I, I appreciate that a ton. Well, as we kind of get close to wrapping things up, anything else you want to make sure that the audience knows about or any other tips you want to give him?

Speaker 1:     22:19         Um, you know, people always ask me, you know, what do I feel like success is like what are you feel like success means or what it is? And it's a question that comes up a lot when I'm talking to and mentoring my coaching students or even like on podcasts and stuff. And you know, I think that for me as the entrepreneur's wife, I have to remember that success is every day, right? We get so caught up on this entrepreneur's journey at the end of the race, right when I get there, then I can be, then I'll be successful, then I can be happy, then I'll spend more time with you, then I'll spend more time with the kids, then I can take more time off. But what happens is you get there and he turned around and look and you're standing there by herself. And so success is an everyday commitment to your craft, but it's also an everyday commitment to your family and to what is the big picture. And I think that's what we need to focus on as well as the business is what is the big plan for the family. And get everybody involved in it. And then f everybody's working towards that every single day. Then every day is a success and when you get to the, you know, the end of the week, then you had a successful week and so you don't feel like you're constantly chasing something. You feel like you're working towards something.

Speaker 2:     23:35         Oh I love it. Well Amy, thank you so much. I know soon, I guess Matt will be creating a book called the entrepreneur's husband since you're up next, next, next chapter here. He teases me all the time cause I'll be, it's like nine o'clock at night. I'm like, I just gotta finish this email and he was like, how the tables have turned. I'm like, Amy, thank you so much. I appreciate it. It's a great senior and I'm sure we'll talk to you real soon.

Speaker 3:     24:00         Yes, talk soon. Bye. Thanks so much for listening to another episode of [inaudible] radio. We are about ready though to chase and things and I wanted to kind of reach out real quick and they send us out some things you're going to see happening real quick here. Uh, probably about the middle of April, 2019 we're asking me changing the kind of, the format and really the purpose of this podcast. So up to this point, I've been doing a lot of, spend a lot of time interviewing some of our funnel hackers and things and telling their stories. We're gonna continue to do that, but we're going to add in a new little twist. Currently right now as of today, we are just under 78,000 customers currently using click funnels. And what we thought is why not have you guys come join us on the journey to create a culture of 100,000 rabid, excited funnel hackers.

Speaker 3:     24:49         So what I'd like to do is just invite you lawn, continue to you, don't mind rate, review the podcast, let us know of other people, even possibly outside of our funnel hacker community you'd like us to bring in interview and really wanting to make sure that you understand the purpose of this podcast is to help you in building your culture and building your community, your tribe, and really helping you understand what it takes to build a community of its super, super excited, passionate customers who rave about your service. More importantly, they s they spend time talking about it, referring clients to you. So with that said, join us as we are our journey to over a hundred thousand customers. We're going to try to get this done before the end of 2019 so thanks so much for listing rate and review this and enjoy the journey.