Kuldrin's Krypt A BDSM 101 Podcast Navigating the Online BDSM Community-S01E32
Dec 4, 2017
01:22:29
Navigating the Online World
Recorded October 2017
This is Kuldrin’s Krypt season 1 episode 32
Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show we use our combined 30 years of experience to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at kudrinskrypt.com
Rules to Love by:
Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerence, Kindness, Integrity
“Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
On this episode of the Krypt we are going to talk about navigating the online world of BDSM but first, I have to welcome my amazing co-host, Funsize.
This week we’re discussing how to navigate some of the more prominent lifestyle websites out there. This is a listener requested episode, all the way from Germany (?) I believe. Now because there are so many websites out there we’ve chosen to expand on those that have lasted the test of time, bring something unique to our community, or have the largest base of users. So while we are talking about these websites, remember this is by far not every website and quite frankly not even one tenth of what is out there.
History
Before we dive into what each of these websites are, what they offer, and how to best make use of them, we would like to touch just shortly on the history of the online community. So 1990 the internet as we know it is created, then in 1991 the word “BDSM” first appeared on a usenet group. Soon after alt.sex.bondage, a group on usenet, found the community expanding further into the online world. A decade later bdsmlibrary.org was founded, and Fetlife popped up seven years after. Today there hundreds more active websites for our community. Some are social networks, some dating apps, some pornographic sites, others are shops which cater to the implements, dress codes, and novelties associated with BDSM culture. The internet opened the lines of communication, for knowledge, connection, and experience in ways that our community simply didn’t have up until that point.
Now we’re going to go one site at a time and give you ideas of how best to utilize these resources.
Fetlife- starting with the most popular and well known social site is fairly obvious.
Created by John Baku Fetlife is essentially the Facebook of the fetish community. There is a feed from people you know, and groups you follow just like on Facebook. However, it’s not pictures of your friend from fourth grade’s puppy (or at least not that kind of puppy)…. It’s going to be posts on things within the lifestyle. That’s not to say that there aren’t vanilla things happening on Fetlife, there are of course, but the majority is all about the kink.
Kuldrin and I are both on Fetlife, so are our spouses. Along with us there are another 6,230,112 members to date. (https://fetlife.com) There are over 100,000 active groups discussing every possible subject you could think of at any given time. To be a member on Fetlife you must be 18 years of age. Within these 6,000,000 plus users there are people from all walks of life. You can definitely get a broad scope of what we mean when we talk about your kink is okay, by looking at the lists of fetishes alone on Fetlife, and understanding that for each one, there are probably at least 1,000 users who can relate to it at any time.
Groups are just as diverse as the individual users. We of course have our group Kuldrin’s Krypt, where you can join or start a conversation. There are groups for fetishes, groups for local communities, there are groups for fans of certain book series. I myself am part of groups that offer tutorials, or just give advice. There is so much out there where you can meet people with similar interests and so many learn opportunities.
Let’s get into what is featured on this particular website. Fetlife provides member profiles, again similar to Facebook in this aspect. Fetish lists allowing members to list their likes, quickly and easily. Members are listed by location, along with events. Several members also post their writings, pictures, and videos.
Clearly Fetlife has tons to offer and for newbies especially it can get a bit overwhelming. So what are some things that can make meeting the people you want to meet easier?
A good profile goes a long towards this end. On your profile you should of course list the basics, location (though many list Antarctica,) age (again many will put in 90+ years of age to hide their identities.) You can also list relationship status (including vanilla relationships, ie marriage,) D/s relationships, orientation, activity level within the community, and what you are looking for. After that there’s your About Me section. You can make this is as detailed or basic as you like, however as a tip those who have detailed profiles do better. Now this is not to say that you need to write a book or anything in this section, but typically two to three paragraphs helps.
I know Kuldrin actually wrote the about section on his wife, Lady Katherine’s profile page and it is brilliant. I think I smiled the entire time I was reading it actually.
You can also add your fetishes to help other members with similar interests as you in being able to find, and thereby meet you. This is important because you can search members based on fetishes alone.
Finally you can add any writings you want to share; poetry, articles, and journals; pictures, and videos.
I will note that videos are only watchable by paid supporters of Fetlife.
Also and this is something that I know seems very sexist in a way, but a lot of female members are starting to auto-vet men who use photos of their genitals as profile pics. It’s highly unattractive to start with, and honestly it signals to women that you’re only looking for sex. It’s fine to want sex, or even just be looking for a play partner but really there’s nothing less appealing than this. So I would really recommend against this. Especially as the auto-vetting is becoming more and more popular.
I also have to recommend against showing your face in pictures, or anything that signifies where you work or live. Even on sites like Fetlife you can end up unintentionally outing yourself in this way. Not only that but showing this much of yourself can potentially put you in danger from predators.
Talking to other members can be done through either group posts, or direct messaging. And this is where a lot of people find hang ups and snags, because what do you say to a stranger in order to form a connection? A lot of people have trouble here because they just don’t know what to say to get or keep a conversation going, or weed out person’s they’re not interested in, or they end up portraying themselves in a certain way they may not have intended. Kuldrin and I actually started talking after I shot him a message about the podcast on Fetlife. What I said was: Hello, I recently listened to a few of your podcasts. You seem to have a lot to offer to the community at large. I'd love to hear more of what you have to say about the lifestyle. Perhaps we could have a few discussions even? Please feel free to contact me.
Do- Say hello, be friendly but not too familiar.
Don’t- Use common vernacular and assume that everyone will understand what you mean regardless of their age or region. Example: Yo bro, sup?... Said to a 60 something year old member of the Old Guard just won’t fly.
Do- Read the person’s profile. This will hopefully give you an idea of who you’re talking to.
Don’t- Assume you know everything about a person just by what the profile says, you should be asking questions based off what the profile does say.
Do- Leave an opening for further conversation to follow.
Don’t- Insist on the conversation taking place, or try to push it towards a certain direction or aim.
Do- Be honest about what you want.
Don’t- Think that just because someone is willing to message with you that this means you can skip the vetting process. Vetting is still extremely vital for online interactions.
Alright now that we’ve explored a lot of what Fetlife has to offer let’s jump to the next site on our list. One of the longest lived sites out there, bdsmlibrary.org. (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/)
Bdsm library is often thought of a site solely for stories written about the lifestyle. This however isn’t true. There is a huge library available there, with stories that are definitely worth the read. However the library also hosts an extensive forum section, where members can contribute to a plethora of subjects in the lifestyle. And of course there is the chat room, which holds a large enough collection of regular members to keep the conversation going after so many years.
Just as with Fetlife you can find members from all walks of life. Everyone must be 18 years of age or older and create a profile to join. The site hosts members from all over the world.
The best way to use this site is by creating a profile, just as with Fetlife. After you’ve got your profile set up, read through the forums, there are some great topics there. And finally jump into the chat room when you’re ready.
The Cage is another huge forum site. (https://thecage.co/) For the moment it is a free site, but they are quickly becoming a paid, by invite only website. This is a very serious place for those who want to learn and share with others.
The Cage has only been around for a couple of years but the member base they host is one of quality.
For complete show notes go to https://kuldrinskrypt.com/132
Recorded October 2017
This is Kuldrin’s Krypt season 1 episode 32
Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show we use our combined 30 years of experience to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at kudrinskrypt.com
Rules to Love by:
Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerence, Kindness, Integrity
“Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
On this episode of the Krypt we are going to talk about navigating the online world of BDSM but first, I have to welcome my amazing co-host, Funsize.
This week we’re discussing how to navigate some of the more prominent lifestyle websites out there. This is a listener requested episode, all the way from Germany (?) I believe. Now because there are so many websites out there we’ve chosen to expand on those that have lasted the test of time, bring something unique to our community, or have the largest base of users. So while we are talking about these websites, remember this is by far not every website and quite frankly not even one tenth of what is out there.
History
Before we dive into what each of these websites are, what they offer, and how to best make use of them, we would like to touch just shortly on the history of the online community. So 1990 the internet as we know it is created, then in 1991 the word “BDSM” first appeared on a usenet group. Soon after alt.sex.bondage, a group on usenet, found the community expanding further into the online world. A decade later bdsmlibrary.org was founded, and Fetlife popped up seven years after. Today there hundreds more active websites for our community. Some are social networks, some dating apps, some pornographic sites, others are shops which cater to the implements, dress codes, and novelties associated with BDSM culture. The internet opened the lines of communication, for knowledge, connection, and experience in ways that our community simply didn’t have up until that point.
Now we’re going to go one site at a time and give you ideas of how best to utilize these resources.
Fetlife- starting with the most popular and well known social site is fairly obvious.
Created by John Baku Fetlife is essentially the Facebook of the fetish community. There is a feed from people you know, and groups you follow just like on Facebook. However, it’s not pictures of your friend from fourth grade’s puppy (or at least not that kind of puppy)…. It’s going to be posts on things within the lifestyle. That’s not to say that there aren’t vanilla things happening on Fetlife, there are of course, but the majority is all about the kink.
Kuldrin and I are both on Fetlife, so are our spouses. Along with us there are another 6,230,112 members to date. (https://fetlife.com) There are over 100,000 active groups discussing every possible subject you could think of at any given time. To be a member on Fetlife you must be 18 years of age. Within these 6,000,000 plus users there are people from all walks of life. You can definitely get a broad scope of what we mean when we talk about your kink is okay, by looking at the lists of fetishes alone on Fetlife, and understanding that for each one, there are probably at least 1,000 users who can relate to it at any time.
Groups are just as diverse as the individual users. We of course have our group Kuldrin’s Krypt, where you can join or start a conversation. There are groups for fetishes, groups for local communities, there are groups for fans of certain book series. I myself am part of groups that offer tutorials, or just give advice. There is so much out there where you can meet people with similar interests and so many learn opportunities.
Let’s get into what is featured on this particular website. Fetlife provides member profiles, again similar to Facebook in this aspect. Fetish lists allowing members to list their likes, quickly and easily. Members are listed by location, along with events. Several members also post their writings, pictures, and videos.
Clearly Fetlife has tons to offer and for newbies especially it can get a bit overwhelming. So what are some things that can make meeting the people you want to meet easier?
A good profile goes a long towards this end. On your profile you should of course list the basics, location (though many list Antarctica,) age (again many will put in 90+ years of age to hide their identities.) You can also list relationship status (including vanilla relationships, ie marriage,) D/s relationships, orientation, activity level within the community, and what you are looking for. After that there’s your About Me section. You can make this is as detailed or basic as you like, however as a tip those who have detailed profiles do better. Now this is not to say that you need to write a book or anything in this section, but typically two to three paragraphs helps.
I know Kuldrin actually wrote the about section on his wife, Lady Katherine’s profile page and it is brilliant. I think I smiled the entire time I was reading it actually.
You can also add your fetishes to help other members with similar interests as you in being able to find, and thereby meet you. This is important because you can search members based on fetishes alone.
Finally you can add any writings you want to share; poetry, articles, and journals; pictures, and videos.
I will note that videos are only watchable by paid supporters of Fetlife.
Also and this is something that I know seems very sexist in a way, but a lot of female members are starting to auto-vet men who use photos of their genitals as profile pics. It’s highly unattractive to start with, and honestly it signals to women that you’re only looking for sex. It’s fine to want sex, or even just be looking for a play partner but really there’s nothing less appealing than this. So I would really recommend against this. Especially as the auto-vetting is becoming more and more popular.
I also have to recommend against showing your face in pictures, or anything that signifies where you work or live. Even on sites like Fetlife you can end up unintentionally outing yourself in this way. Not only that but showing this much of yourself can potentially put you in danger from predators.
Talking to other members can be done through either group posts, or direct messaging. And this is where a lot of people find hang ups and snags, because what do you say to a stranger in order to form a connection? A lot of people have trouble here because they just don’t know what to say to get or keep a conversation going, or weed out person’s they’re not interested in, or they end up portraying themselves in a certain way they may not have intended. Kuldrin and I actually started talking after I shot him a message about the podcast on Fetlife. What I said was: Hello, I recently listened to a few of your podcasts. You seem to have a lot to offer to the community at large. I'd love to hear more of what you have to say about the lifestyle. Perhaps we could have a few discussions even? Please feel free to contact me.
Do- Say hello, be friendly but not too familiar.
Don’t- Use common vernacular and assume that everyone will understand what you mean regardless of their age or region. Example: Yo bro, sup?... Said to a 60 something year old member of the Old Guard just won’t fly.
Do- Read the person’s profile. This will hopefully give you an idea of who you’re talking to.
Don’t- Assume you know everything about a person just by what the profile says, you should be asking questions based off what the profile does say.
Do- Leave an opening for further conversation to follow.
Don’t- Insist on the conversation taking place, or try to push it towards a certain direction or aim.
Do- Be honest about what you want.
Don’t- Think that just because someone is willing to message with you that this means you can skip the vetting process. Vetting is still extremely vital for online interactions.
Alright now that we’ve explored a lot of what Fetlife has to offer let’s jump to the next site on our list. One of the longest lived sites out there, bdsmlibrary.org. (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/)
Bdsm library is often thought of a site solely for stories written about the lifestyle. This however isn’t true. There is a huge library available there, with stories that are definitely worth the read. However the library also hosts an extensive forum section, where members can contribute to a plethora of subjects in the lifestyle. And of course there is the chat room, which holds a large enough collection of regular members to keep the conversation going after so many years.
Just as with Fetlife you can find members from all walks of life. Everyone must be 18 years of age or older and create a profile to join. The site hosts members from all over the world.
The best way to use this site is by creating a profile, just as with Fetlife. After you’ve got your profile set up, read through the forums, there are some great topics there. And finally jump into the chat room when you’re ready.
The Cage is another huge forum site. (https://thecage.co/) For the moment it is a free site, but they are quickly becoming a paid, by invite only website. This is a very serious place for those who want to learn and share with others.
The Cage has only been around for a couple of years but the member base they host is one of quality.
For complete show notes go to https://kuldrinskrypt.com/132