Unlocking the Secret to Better Communication in Marriage with Kathleen Edelman

Feb 14, 2025

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“Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” - Ephesians 5:33

Love and respect are often conveyed in the words that spouses choose to communicate. Those words can have a big impact on the marriage relationship. Kathleen Edelman joins us to discuss choosing the right words for your spouse.

Kathleen Edelman is the author of “I Said This, You Heard That: How Your Wiring Colors Your Communication.” She is certified in biblical studies and Christian Counseling Psychology and has spent over thirty years coaching clients in communication.

The Key to Healthy Communication in Marriage

Communication styles are the key to understanding one another. There's a big gray area between what we say and what our spouse hears. Each temperament speaks its own language, and we must apply it to become fluent in our spouse’s language.

Many marital conflicts appear to be about money, parenting, or household responsibilities, but at their core, they stem from miscommunication. Recognizing that your spouse’s temperament affects how they express and receive information is the first step toward reducing misunderstandings.

One of the biggest communication pitfalls is assumption—assuming that your spouse speaks and understands your language. That’s not true. We each speak our own language and must become fluent in our spouse’s language.

Another common trap is operating out of our weaknesses rather than our strengths. Ask yourself:

“What part did I play in this miscommunication?”
“How can I choose differently to stay in my strengths?”

Most miscommunication is not intentional, she emphasizes. Rather, it’s a result of speaking different emotional and verbal languages.

The Power of Words: Choosing to Build Up, Not Tear Down

Ephesians 4:29 reminds us:

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Our words hold incredible power. They can either build up or tear down our spouse. Learning to communicate in a way that blesses rather than wounds is a game changer in marriage.

Listening is a critical skill in communication, and there are three key practices for improving it:

The Power of the Pause—Before responding, take a moment to reflect. Instead of reacting to what was said, focus on why it was said.
Listening to Understand—Rather than formulating your response while your spouse is talking, actively listen to grasp their perspective.
Responding, Not Reacting—Choose words carefully, ensuring they are constructive rather than defensive.

We should desire that every word that comes out of our mouths be a gift to the person we speak to.

Of course, it’s also crucial to remember that communication is more than words—it includes body language, tone, and facial expressions. Our temperament even affects how we express ourselves nonverbally. Everything you do is motivated by the design God gave you. Understanding how our spouse interprets our nonverbal cues can help avoid unnecessary misunderstandings.

Understanding Temperaments in Marriage

A significant takeaway from Kathleen’s work is the importance of understanding temperaments—both our own and our spouse’s. Kathleen’s book includes an inventory to help couples identify their temperament, which can be a game changer in communication.

Each temperament has specific needs that shape how they engage in communication:

Yellows (Sanguine)—Need fun, people, and spontaneity. They may struggle with feeling restricted.
Reds (Choleric)—Need goals, control, and results. They want to be part of decision-making.
Blues (Melancholic)—Need security and order. They may be hesitant to spend money without planning.
Greens (Phlegmatic)—Need balance and peace. They want to avoid conflict and seek compromise.

When couples recognize these differences, it fosters empathy and prevents unnecessary frustration.

Money is a significant source of marital conflict, but these disagreements often stem from temperament differences more than financial realities.

Yellows love generosity but also crave financial security. They may struggle with balancing saving and spontaneous giving.
Reds want financial goals and a clear plan for achieving them.
Blues prioritize security and tend to be more cautious with money.
Greens seek balance and prefer avoiding financial stress.

Understanding why your spouse approaches money how they do can foster mutual respect and teamwork. Instead of seeing their perspective as frustrating, you can recognize it as their God-given design.

Keeping Communication Strong Over the Years

As years pass, spouses may drift apart if they stop investing in communication. That’s why couples are encouraged to stay in dating mode:

Remember why you fell in love. Remember when you were dating—you put your best of yourself forward. Keep doing that.
Look for the best in your spouse. Instead of focusing on their weaknesses, celebrate their strengths.
Avoid complacency. Once you become content, weaknesses start to show up. Then, instead of appreciating differences, you try to change your spouse.

When couples continue dating and choose to love each other through words and deeds, their marriages stay strong.

The ultimate goal is authenticity—becoming exactly who God designed you to be while learning to love your spouse for who they are. When you reach authenticity, you’re free. You’re not trying to be someone else or change your spouse. You’re showing up as yourself, using words that honor God.

The Bible contains over 120 verses about words, making it clear how we communicate matters. When we build up rather than tear down, we strengthen our marriage, our family, and our faith.

By understanding how God designed us, learning to listen, and choosing words that build up, we can create marriages filled with grace, love, and true understanding.

If you want to transform your marriage through better communication, consider picking up a copy of Kathleen’s book, I Said This, You Heard That: How Your Wiring Colors Your Communication.

On Today’s Program, Rob Answers Listener Questions:

We have the opportunity to buy a home from my friend's father for $300,000, which is listed at $350,000. My husband is 65, and I'm 60—should we even consider this?

Resources Mentioned:

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