117: Esther Perel - EstherPerel.com

# Episode 117 **Summary:** In Episode #117 Ari shares the Less Doing Podcast with famed Belgian psychotherapist and relationship consultant, [Esther Perel](http://www.estherperel.com/). During the show, Ari talks to Esther about her career-long examination of sexual health and the meaning behind _Erotic Intelligence_. **Time Stamped Show Notes:** - 21:57 – Introduction of Esther Perel - 22:15 – Esther defines _Erotic Intelligence_ - 22:50 – Eroticism is not just sexuality, it is how we bring imagination, creativity, novelty, curiosity, focus and intentionality into our lives - 23:15 – _Can intimacy kill your sex-life?_ - 24:05 – Intimacy lives in the realm of security, stability and predictability - 24:13 – Sexuality lives in the realm of discovery, novelty and the unknown - 24:27 – Good intimacy does _not _guarantee good sex - 24:53 – The thing that is safe isn’t always the thing that can excite - 26:39 – Curiosity is good; it helps to ward of complacency - 27:42 – Understand how to evaluate the health of your creativity and imagination; do you bring something new to every situation? - 28:17 – Uncertainty is _crucial _to passion - 28:38 – To keep things interesting it is necessary to remain engaged - 29:10 – Find a way to remain fully alive and hungry - 30:58 – The difficulty of monogamy?—It is not natural - 31:10 – Monogamy is a cultural system and a _choice _people make - 31:51 – “Monogamy as a dual-gender, voluntary conviction is about 60 years old” - 32:09 – Monogamy is a _continuum_ - 32:35 – In most heterosexual couples, monogamy is assumed rather than negotiated and this is a weakness - 33:00 – Monogamy is assumed far less in homosexual couples, particularly gay men - 33:40 – Managing the unnaturalness of monogamy - 34:00 – The fact that something isn’t natural doesn’t mean it is not justifiable within a cultural framework - 34:18 – Most couples do not talk about sex, and if they do, they do not converse with the person with whom they have the sex - 36:00 – Only examining your sexual health when a mistake is made (like infidelity) is akin to only checking your cardiovascular health when you’re in the emergency room - 36:30 – Western culture talks with great frequency about sexual disease, sexual dysfunction and sexual betrayal, but we fail to discuss sexual _health_ - 37:25 – How the continuum of monogamy looks over time - 37:37 – People apply to committed relationships a model that they would _never _apply to their businesses - 40:33 – Make the time to talk to your partner, don’t be afraid to ask the big questions - 41:11 – Esther Perel’s _Top 3 Tips for Being More Effective_: - 41:23 – It is _essential _to be accountable – responsibility _is _freedom - 41:53 – It is easy to be critical, it is far more difficult to be appreciative - 42:21 – Nothing we achieve is ever done alone - 43:12 – [www.EstherPerel.com](http://www.estherperel.com/) **7 Key Points:** 1. Success is impossible alone. 2. Accountability and responsibility increase personal freedom. 3. Learn to be appreciative no matter how difficult it may seem. 4. Good intimacy and good sex do _not _go hand-in-hand. 5. Curiosity is the best medicine in combating complacency. 6. Monogamy is not natural; rather it is a social and cultural construct. 7. Just because something is not natural, does not mean it is not _acceptable _within the confines of a structured society. **Resources Mentioned:** - [How to Eat Healthy](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/12/how-to-eat-healthy/) – Article from Barking Up the Wrong Tree featuring strategies to help people make better dietary decisions - [Health Benefits of Being a Woma