50: Rules vs Boundaries vs Agreements: How to Set Your Non-Monogamous Relationships Up for Success

4 snips

Apr 29, 2025

Discover the secrets to thriving in non-monogamous relationships! Explore the crucial differences between rules, boundaries, and agreements, and why collaborative approaches win over punitive ones. Learn about the Values-Based Agreement™ Model and how it cultivates trust and communication. The hosts share personal examples and tools for active listening and handling feedback. Plus, delve into the importance of mutual respect in setting healthy boundaries and navigating sensitive topics like STI awareness. It's all about building resilient and fulfilling connections!

Ask episode

AI Snips

Chapters

Transcript

Episode notes

INSIGHT

Rules Feel Restrictive and Punitive

Rules tend to feel punitive and restrictive, often like wearing a leash rather than providing freedom.
They don't necessarily protect from uncomfortable feelings like jealousy or insecurity.

INSIGHT

Boundaries Are Personal Limits

Boundaries are personal limits focused on individual needs and are communicated rather than enforced.
These boundaries usually don't change and are respected rather than controlled by others.

INSIGHT

Rules Are Often Negative Limits

Rules in relationships are enforced limits often based on one person's feelings and tend to be negative.
Positive aspects commonly called "rules" are better described as agreements or shared values.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Get the app

You’ve opened up your relationship or decided to explore non-monogamy, and at first, you’re excited — until BOOM — you're hit with a wave of feelings: jealousy, insecurity, anger, hurt...

You pump the brakes and set up rules to try to protect yourself and your partners from all this discomfort.

But it doesn’t work.

The rules feel punitive, like you're on a leash (and not the fun, kinky kind), and you're still overwhelmed with emotions.

In this episode, we’re talking about the difference between rules, boundaries, and agreements — and why shifting from punitive rules to collaborative agreements is the real key to feeling secure.

We introduce the Values-Based Agreement™ Model we developed and teach our clients, and share what it looks like in our own relationship!

We also dive into:

Common rules couples often try (like vetos, partner approvals, or “don’t fall in love” rules) and why they’re doomed to fail
How to create Values-Based Agreements™ that everyone helps craft, consents to, and that truly support communication, reduce assumptions, and build trust
Real examples of agreements from our own relationship and specific examples of agreements we've helped couples we work with create

As a bonus, we also dig into communication tools like active listening, plus tips for dealing with feedback, criticisms, and resentments — all key skills for creating stronger, more resilient relationships.

It’s a jam-packed episode full of practical tools, real talk, and real-world examples!

✨ If you want to dive even deeper into boundaries, check out our episode: Pardon Me But You’re Stepping On My Boundaries

Show Resources:

Let’s Talk Polyamory Facebook Group & Community - ⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/groups/letstalkpoly⁠⁠
Mondays with Tara & André training on How to Free Myself From Resentments - in our private FB Group, Let’s Talk Polyamory - https://www.facebook.com/668591277/videos/671316904269389/
Want to learn how to create agreements that work and have wildly successful, secure and sexy non-monogamous relationships? Join us for the Poly Newbies Digital Course - https://courses.letstalkpolyamory.com/polynewbiesspecialoffer
Join the waitlist and be the first to find out when our Little Book of Poly Love is out with all the HOT words from A-Z! ⁠⁠https://go.letstalkpolyamory.com/polylovebook-waitlist⁠
Looking for therapy? Reach out to host André Turcotte and book a consultation call at andreturcottepsych@gmail.com
Looking for coaching support? Book a consultation call with Tara - ⁠https://go.taraandandre.com/relationshiprescue⁠