Ask Amy: My Child Is Not Nice to Her Grandparents

How do we teach our children that it's not okay to say mean things about family members, especially in front of them?

Diana emailed us to say:

"My 5-year-old daughter has a clear and strong preference for my in-laws versus my own parents, I think because she saw more of them when she was little, so is more comfortable with them. It hurts my feelings and also hurts theirs. She is very honest about her feelings and will say that she doesn’t want them to come over, doesn’t want them to sit next to her, doesn’t want them to stay when they do come over.

I hoped by seeing them more she would warm up and she usually does have a good time with them once she settles in, but she’s still saying hurtful things. I would greatly appreciate any advice on making the situation more manageable."

When children are expressing repeated resistance to spending time with certain grownups, it's always important to rule out whether there's another, more serious and unexpressed reason for that resistance. Once that's been ruled out, consider what secondary gain your child might be receiving from saying these things.

Most 5-year-olds are old enough to have empathy, and understand when they've hurt others' feelings. It's also an age by which kids can usually learn to control their impulses. A child who is saying rude things to their friends and teachers, and not just at home, might need a little scaffolding around impulse control, and learning more appropriate ways to express her frustration. In that case, these hurtful comments can become teachable moments for fostering emotional intelligence.

On the other hand, if only one person or setting is the location for these rude comments, then you know that it is in your child's control to express their frustrations differently. Model what you expect, hold the line, and you should see improvement.

For more resources and ideas, check out this article:

Amy Morin for VeryWell Family: 10 Ways to Handle Disrespectful Behavior

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