005 Overcoming Fear of Negotiation by Going for the No!

In this episode, Cindy discusses:

• Where the fear of rejection, of getting a “no” comes from and how it affects us as adults.
• Shifting your mindset to embracing the “no.”
• Stretching your boundaries and moving outside of your comfort zone.
• Going for the “no” and using that as momentum in your tasks.

  Key Takeaways:

• Only through persistence and “failures” can we find success.
• “Sticks and stones can break my bones but no can never hurt me.”
• If you do the thing you fear, the fear will go away.  The fear of the unknown can be a powerful inhibitor.
• Going for a “no” answer is liberating! There is no wasted energy, wasted time, or wasted chances.

 

 "As kids, we seemed less afraid of the word no, less afraid of failure. As kids, we got the message that if we were persistent enough, we'd get what we want. But somewhere along the line that got beaten out of us and we became afraid of rejection of those nos. Turns out that perhaps our instincts as kids were better on this front." —  Cindy Watson  Click here to get your free E-Book "No F.E.A.R. Negotiations" How to negotiate effectively without Fear, Ego, Attachment or Reactivity to get what you want from the boardroom to the bedroom  CONNECT WITH CINDY:

Twitter:  https://twitter.com/womenonpurpose1 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/womenonpurposecommunity/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/womenonpurposecoaching/ Website:  www.womenonpurpose.caShow: https://www.womenonpurpose.ca/podcasts-cindy-watson/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCHOGOsk0bkijtwq8aRrtdA LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cynthia-watson-7b89232b/ Email:  cwatson@watsonlabourlaw.com

 

Full Transcript below:

Overcoming Fear of Negotiation by Going For the ‘No’

What do I mean by that? Well before we get there, 

Do you break out in a sweat at the idea of having to negotiate on your own behalf for something you really want? If so, you’re not alone. Lots of people do … and women especially. Why is that? If you stress about negotiating, why the resistance? What holds you back from being the incredibly effective negotiator you could be?

 

I’m going to go out on a limb and posit that one factor holding you back is likely your fear of rejection … of getting a ‘no’. Where does that come from? What happened to our childhood ability to pester the heck out of our parents to get what we want? Remember those days? As kids, we seemed less afraid of the word ‘no’. Less afraid of failure. As kids, we got the message that if we were persistent enough, we’d get what we want. But somewhere along the line that got beaten out of us and we became afraid of rejection, of those ‘no’s’.  It turns out that perhaps our instincts as kids were better on this front.

 

Let’s explore the concept of failure for a moment. Thomas Edison ‘failed’ (let me put that word failed in air quotes) at creating the light bulb countless times before succeeding. In fact, it was only through those so-called failures, and his persistence and willingness to fail that he achieved success. Is he known for the purported failures? No. He’s lauded as a genius. Similarly, Abraham Lincoln purportedly failed twice in business and lost 8 out of 10 elections before becoming President of the United States. Do people remember Lincoln for those failures? No. He’s credited with abolishing slavery and considered by many to be one of … if not ‘the’ most influential U.S President in history. What if women suffragists had given up fighting for the right to vote after being told ‘no’? What if abolitionists like Harriet Tubman and the countless other brave women and men who fought against slavery had given up when told ‘no’?  You get the idea.

What if your fear of failure, of rejection, of hearing the word ‘no’ is the very thing standing between you and your best self? Between you and your kick-ass negotiator? Between you and getting what you deserve – from the boardroom to the bedroom? Maybe what you need is a simple mindset shift. I invite you to take one of your age-old childhood adages and modify it to fit your needs today? Try on “sticks and stones may break my bones but ‘no’ can never hurt me”. Recognize that your failures are the bricks on the pathway to success. In fact, the only way to success is typically through failure. It’s through your failures that you learn, improve, grow and ultimately succeed. Maybe you just need to be willing to fail better.

If you accept that fear of hearing ‘no’ is a factor contributing to your resistance to embracing negotiation, and we know that the best way to desensitize ourselves to the word is to get used to it, then how might we achieve that? How might you experience it so often that it loses its power over you? It’s said that if you do the thing you fear, the fear will go away. I’m not sure that’s always accurate. I bungy-jumped 4X – forward, backward, elevator (feet first) and tandem (with a buddy) and I can’t say the fear disappeared. But I did it. It got easier. If that’s the case, it makes imminent sense that you take active steps to numb yourself to the word ‘no’. Each time I jumped, I got a little more numb to the abject terror of standing on the edge of the bridge and seeing the jagged rocks, too close, below. Surely, if we can get numb to that, we can handle getting used to that little two-letter word: ‘no’. Because at the very least, the element of ‘unknown’ disappears, and fear of the unknown can be a powerful inhibitor.

No doubt exposing yourself to receiving more ‘no’s in your life requires you to get outside your comfort zone. I was reminded of the limiting effects of comfort zones on a beach recently when I became entranced watching a hermit crab by my chair. It would pop up from its hole in the sand and skitter a few inches to the side, then stop. But as soon as each wave started toward shore the hermit crab scurried back to cower in its bunker, even though the waves never once came up to its hiding spot – not even close. I watched that poor little crab for ages and it never ventured more than a half-foot away from its hole. I could feel its desire. But I also felt its fear outweigh that desire over and over again. It made me realize that we lull ourselves into believing that our comfort zones are safe, when in reality they are self-imposed prisons. Those comfort zones will shrink and eventually suffocate us if we don’t venture outside them and risk living.  Do you want to live your life playing safe in a little comfort zone that never stretches your boundaries, that gets smaller and smaller so you can never be the biggest, best possible version of yourself?

What if, instead, you made a commitment … today … to step outside your comfort zone? Are you open to the possibility of welcoming failure as a way to take you to the next level? To condition yourself to learn to hear ‘no’? What if, instead of avoiding rejection, you committed to seek rejection? Sounds crazy, right? But what if, in thinking about failure, rejection, and ‘no’, you opted to turn the paradigm on its head and instead of fearing it, you looked forward to it as a source of empowerment?

 

How? The answer is so simple it’s brilliant in its simplicity. Ask. Ask. Ask. Pick practice areas in your life where you’re willing to trial asking for what you want. And here’s the key. Don’t be tied or attached to getting a ‘yes’. In fact, as proposed by Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton in their bestselling book, Go For No, instead of going for ‘yes’, actively go for ‘no’. Embrace the possibility of multiple rejections and set your targets for how many ‘no’ answers you need to get the number of ‘yes’ answers you want.  

 

Sound confusing? Let me give you a simple example. If you want 10 new clients this week (or sales, or donations to a cause, or whatever you may be seeking) and you know that you’re likely to only get 10% of those you canvas to say ‘yes’, then don’t set your sights on achieving 10 yeses, but instead, flip that thought process on its head and set your goal to get 100 ‘no’s. That way, even as you get some ‘yeses’, you don’t slow down. You keep going for the ‘no’s. And when you hit the ‘no’s (as you invariably will), it won’t stop you – you won’t see it as failure because you’re going for those ‘no’s. In addition to desensitizing yourself to the ‘no’s, think how much more likely you are to hit a higher level. Better yet, you’ll lose all the angst and wasted negative energy that comes from being afraid of the rejection, afraid of the ‘no’s. Go for the no. It’s liberating. Such a simple concept and such a powerful tool to be able to get through that fear of failure to the fabulous success that’s waiting for you on the other side.

Are you willing to put yourself out there and go for that ‘no’? To push past that fear of failure? Push past that fear of getting a ‘no’, knowing that your success lies on the other side of it. Once you desensitize yourself to hearing ‘no’ and rid yourself of that fear, look out world … you’ll be ready to level up to step into your power as the formidable negotiator you’re ready to be.

I hope you got some value from that. If so, make sure to subscribe to the show. And share it with friends who you think would benefit and enjoy it.

Feel free to grab the script in our show notes if you want to review this content another way.

If fear of ‘no’ – or any other fears – hold you back from being your best negotiator and advocate, then let me gift you my No F.E.A.R book. You can grab it through the link in our show notes or on our website at www.womenonpurpose.ca

That’s a wrap for this episode. Until next time, go forth and negotiate your best life on your terms, so you can stop missing out and start getting more of what you want and deserve … from the boardroom to the bedroom.