Ask Amy: When Kids Have Negative Self-Talk

How can we support our kids' self-esteem when they take their frustrations out on themselves? Amy offers some tips for helping kids express frustration without getting down on themselves in the process.

Keara asks:

"My 4-year-old daughter is in preschool and just moved into a new classroom. Since then she’s been saying some unsettling things when she’s upset or thinks she’s in trouble. She’ll curl into a ball on the floor and say things like “I’m not good enough,” or “I ruined everything,” or “I’m not beautiful enough." I’m so afraid that’s the beginning of her inner monologue. How can I help her unlearn that kind of thinking at home?"

Asking your child's teacher if there is in fact negative messaging happening at school is a good place to start. And you'll also want to ascertain if your kid is showing low frustration tolerance at school as well as at home, because the issue may lie more with increased frustration than with decreased self-esteem.

If your child is saying these things only when they're upset or scared, that's another good sign that this is a way to express frustration that she's trying on, but which might not be the source of the frustration. It's an indication that her self-esteem isn't the issue so much as her ability to express these feelings of overwhelm.

The most effective times to support your child's self-esteem are when she's not already dysregulated and upset. At those times, reassure her with your calming presence, but don't feel like you have to get her to unsay it all in the moment. She probably won't be able to respond in the way you want when she's upset.

Take advantage of quiet moments to lean into positive self-talk. Pause those Disney movies (all of them have this moment) when the protagonist doubts themselves, and show your kid that even though people may doubt themselves, they can still get there in the end.

Here's the link to the book that Amy mentions:

• A SMART GIRL'S GUIDE: LIKING HERSELF from American Girl

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