Unpacking Sexual Shame

Episode 200: It's evident in our society that women have been exposed to two extremes with their sexuality, both which lead to sexual shame: exploitation and repression. The media has been exploiting women's sexuality for decades as a way to diminish and demean its true power down to a crisp. As a result: men have treated unmet desires with violence and ownership, women have used their bodies as a form of manipulation to get what they want/don't want, and sex has been involved in the marketing of just about everything from cars to perfumes to food. We have been constantly reminded in commercials, movies and ads what a woman's sexuality should look like...but absolutely nothing about what it feels like.

On the other hand, many of us across the world have had our sexuality repressed from a lineage of unhealthy relationships with sexuality or through religion. In many religions, a woman's sexuality is her most prized possession and once it's "taken" it cannot be replenished. Again, there is too much focus on what sex should look like (in this case, within the context of marriage), but not enough on what it feels like. When young girls learn at an early age that men only want them for their bodies and they must hide away their sexuality to stay safe, they grow up with trust issues not only with others but certainly with themselves. They want to hide away their sexuality, avoid eye contact, use body manipulation (binge eating or starving) as tactics to feel in control, and they lose their ability to stay present with another human, especially when being intimate. Most importantly, they lose touch with what a "yes" really feels like and what a "no" really feels like...within the bedroom and the real world.

I believe it's time we dive deep into these topics on the Mind Body Musings Podcast.

Show notes:

• Why it's so important we collectively decide to promote not only body positivity in our families, but also sex positivity.
• “Do not cause a man to stumble.” Growing up in a conservative Christian household, I was told this biblical verse a lot. Unfortunately, the only context in which I remember it is in regards to my feminine body.
• Some examples of how my negative relationship with sexuality were reinforced growing up, including: having signed contracts in my closet and bedroom, the massive pile of Christian dating books blocking my doorway and the True Love Waits Program.
• One of the reasons why many women have held back from speaking about their experience with sexual abuse is because of their inner thoughts like "I asked for it" and for feeling responsible for what was done to them.
• When you are taught as a young girl that you are in control of a man "stumbling" (and it's your responsibility to ensure he doesn't) you begin to think that it's truly your fault when you experience advances.
• Backpedaling: speaking your truth and then taking it back out of fear.
• My first real relationship was with a man who was insecure with his body and constantly projected his own unhealthy sexuality onto me.
• The story of my first kiss when I was 13 year olds and how it ended with me bawling in the garage out of shame and fear.
• We are doing sexual healing for hundreds of generations-- not just ourselves. This is why this work is so big.
• Sexuality is directly linked to creativity. When you stifle one, you stifle the other.
• Why it's time to come together as men and women to build something together (listen to the episode I did with Josh Trent about this HERE)
• "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" >> Why this kind of language is so detrimental to everyone's ability to trust.
• Body manipulation / disordered eating is directly related to your relationship with your sexuality.
• A few things you can begin to do to heal your sexual shame.

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