Kuldrin's Krypt A BDSM 101 Podcast Relationship Burnout Mindreading & Managing Expectations in BDSM Relationships-S02E02
Oct 21, 2018
37:26
Recorded: October 20, 2018 / Published: October 21, 2018
Call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at kudrinskrypt.com
On this episode: Rules to Love By, Relationship Burnout, Mindreading, Managing Expectations in BDSM Relationships, a listener question that ended in me writing 10 Rules for Hard Conversations.
Rules to Love by:
1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
Message from ForsakenNymph
“I just now got to listen to the latest episode. It was good, as always. My condolences to losing Funsize. During the show, someone chatted a line about complacency. That made me think about an idea for the next show. You touched on introducing kink (honeymoon phase). How do you keep things interesting/spice things up after you have gone through every page of your "kinky Kamasutra"? What is the importance of continued open communication after you have gotten to know your partner? What are the dangers of mindreading or expecting someone to know what you want because you have been together a while? Just an idea. ;-)”
How do you keep things interesting or spice things up after you have gone through every page of your "kinky Kamasutra"?
Hanging out with other kinksters.
Attending playspaces or new playspaces.
Explore soft limits.
Readdress hard limits.
What is the importance of continued open communication after you have gotten to know your partner?
The most important thing people can do.
You never really know a person.
Most people start to think they know someone when the New Relationship Energy (N.R.E.) starts to fade but this is not at all true.
What are the dangers of mindreading or expecting someone to know what you want because you have been together a while?
These two things fall right in line with the saying “strive to understand before being understood”. Also, for most people, they are the two biggest pitfalls of effective communication. Let’s break them up into the two categories of Mindreading and Managing Expectations.
Mindreading:
As humans, this is probably one of the most arrogant and stupid things that we do. Besides this, when we think we know what someone is thinking or feeling we are taking away their freedom to think and feel the way they typically would. This is because you place pressure on them to think, feel, and be just like you. It’s like the only people we want to be in a relationship with is ourselves. When you catch yourself thinking you already know what your partner or anyone else is thinking or feeling that is when you need to communicate the most. Make sure that you are really on the same page. Think about it, if you are right then you have immediate confirmation that you know them as you think you. If you are wrong, chances it will lead to a bonding conversation. Either way, you are showing them respect by asking, not telling them how they think and feel, thus strengthening your relationship. We want to take communication and relationship shortcuts but humans are to complex for that and we are not built to take those shortcuts. We need to be heard and understood.
Managing Expectations:
How often you do become upset, angry, or depressed because someone didn’t react to something the way you thought they would. Maybe they weren’t as excited about something as you were and it bummed you out because you expected them to be over the moon or you had what seemed like the worst day ever and they pretty much gave you a pat on the ass and told you to “shake it off” but you expected them to become enraged with them at the idiot boss they have to deal with on their job? How did this make you feel, how did you react and how did this immediately affect the relationship? Were you disappointed, angry, hurt, confused? Through remembering that people have their own thoughts and feelings separate from your and that their perception of the situation IS going to vary from yours, you can manage your expectations of others, allow them the freedom of being themselves, and save your relationship, from a lot of rough times.
Message from dravendomon
Hello to all who read this. I am in need of some advice. I am new to the lifestyle and would like some insight. My wife and I have recently moved into an open-closed relationship with me on the open end. I have wanted to have that conversation with her for a few months. On Saturday night I was at my monthly dungeons and dragons game and as I was not driving I was drinking. When I got home after the game I ended up in a very emotional conversation with her about her currently nonexistent sex drive and that I would like to seek out someone that would be able to fill my need. I also have a desire for a D/s relationship. The advice I need is in how to handle the conversation with my wife. She is a very strong Type A personality and I don't want to end my marriage. I just don't know how to talk to her about this sober. Would a contract of a sort be something we should look at. Any advice or insight would be very appreciated.
This sounds simply complex on the outside but in all reality, this is one of the most common and most complex situations an existing couple goes through as one or both of them realize a need that BDSM can fulfill.
Any conversation worth having is worth having sober.
Understand that while you may think you are freer to speak while intoxicated or under the influence of a substance, you are actually under the control of the consequences you will have to suffer because you said something the wrong way, couldn’t control your emotions during the conversation and went into a blabbering crying fit, became angry and popped off with things that the other person didn’t deserve, or you flat out lied. Thus the only way to have productive and effective conversations is to take control of your fears and have the conversation. There aren’t any tips or tricks to this that I’ve ever heard that worked. The only thing that has helped me in the past is to set the stage and the rules and go back to them as needed. With that said, writing them down beforehand and scheduling the conversation when all parties are well rested, not hungry, and in a generally decent mood is essential. Here are a few steps to help:
Preplan using the things I just mentioned
Ask the other person or people involved when would be a good time to have a serious conversation. While doing this ensure them that nothing is wrong but that you have been thinking about YOUR roll in the relationship and you want to talk about ways you could be better. Remember, even in this step it is all about “I statements” NOT “you statements”.
When its time to have the conversation start it with the rules by saying something like “I love you and you are the most important person or thing in the world to me AND some of the things we are going to talk about could hurt the other person. This is because I am going to ask you to speak honestly about my roll in our relationship and ways I can improve. So to make sure we don’t end up saying something we might regret and this doesn’t turn into a fight I’ve got some rules that we can talk about and agree on first.
1: No fighting.
2: No name calling.
3: No words of disrespect.
4: If things get heated we will take a break and sit quietly holding each other or at least holding hands until both are ready to continue.
5: No interrupting each other.
6: This conversation will not end here. In a few days, after we have given it some thought we will dive back into it.
7: We will not allow ourselves to hurt each other because we love and respect each other.
8: We will remember that this is different for us to communicate this way but we promise to be open, honest, respectful and give it try because it could make our relationship even better than it already is.
9: When this session is over we will reassure each other that we are loved, cherished, wanted, respected, and desired by the other person.
10: We will enjoy a reward together for making it through our talk without breaking any of the first nine rules.
10a: Rewards could be sex, ice cream or a favorite treat, dinner out, a movie, snuggling in bed and going to sleep, or something else agreed upon now before we start the talk.
“Would a contract be helpful?”
Yes! As you start the talk make it known that you will be taking notes and offer her a pen and paper so she can as well. You might as well add note-taking to the rules. If you do this, I would also add that the notes will present, talk about, and agree upon at the start of the next session. Making these sound like formal business meeting can often put people in more of a logical mindset and helps them keep a check on their emotional state.
As you have this conversation you will effectively be writing an agreement that can easily be turned into a contract and the cool thing about doing this way is that nearly all the details have been worked out.
Executive Producers Jeremiah, Sihlus, Jess, and ArcaneDgr & violetaurelia.
Sr. Producers Matt and xEmeraldxWolfx.
Producers Kainsin, Heather, ThatPlace: Oklahoma City, JayKay and RoxieBear.
Jr. Producers K-2SO, BuffaloDom84, Painwaits, and Master Ferguson & LxSoumis.
If you would like to become one of our show producers go to our website, https://kuldrinskrypt.com/support to get that information.
BDSM contracts beautiful 25 page soft and hardbound. http://bdsmcontracts.org coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
Email: Sir@kuldrinskrypt.com
Fetlife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/159275
Fb: Kuldrin Fire https://www.facebook.com/kuldrin.fire
Twitter: @MasterKuldrin https://twitter.com/MasterKuldrin
Instagram: kuldrinfire https://www.instag
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkKh6z8FEvlzTHn-H3t5NNw?view_as=subscriber
Call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at kudrinskrypt.com
On this episode: Rules to Love By, Relationship Burnout, Mindreading, Managing Expectations in BDSM Relationships, a listener question that ended in me writing 10 Rules for Hard Conversations.
Rules to Love by:
1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
Message from ForsakenNymph
“I just now got to listen to the latest episode. It was good, as always. My condolences to losing Funsize. During the show, someone chatted a line about complacency. That made me think about an idea for the next show. You touched on introducing kink (honeymoon phase). How do you keep things interesting/spice things up after you have gone through every page of your "kinky Kamasutra"? What is the importance of continued open communication after you have gotten to know your partner? What are the dangers of mindreading or expecting someone to know what you want because you have been together a while? Just an idea. ;-)”
How do you keep things interesting or spice things up after you have gone through every page of your "kinky Kamasutra"?
Hanging out with other kinksters.
Attending playspaces or new playspaces.
Explore soft limits.
Readdress hard limits.
What is the importance of continued open communication after you have gotten to know your partner?
The most important thing people can do.
You never really know a person.
Most people start to think they know someone when the New Relationship Energy (N.R.E.) starts to fade but this is not at all true.
What are the dangers of mindreading or expecting someone to know what you want because you have been together a while?
These two things fall right in line with the saying “strive to understand before being understood”. Also, for most people, they are the two biggest pitfalls of effective communication. Let’s break them up into the two categories of Mindreading and Managing Expectations.
Mindreading:
As humans, this is probably one of the most arrogant and stupid things that we do. Besides this, when we think we know what someone is thinking or feeling we are taking away their freedom to think and feel the way they typically would. This is because you place pressure on them to think, feel, and be just like you. It’s like the only people we want to be in a relationship with is ourselves. When you catch yourself thinking you already know what your partner or anyone else is thinking or feeling that is when you need to communicate the most. Make sure that you are really on the same page. Think about it, if you are right then you have immediate confirmation that you know them as you think you. If you are wrong, chances it will lead to a bonding conversation. Either way, you are showing them respect by asking, not telling them how they think and feel, thus strengthening your relationship. We want to take communication and relationship shortcuts but humans are to complex for that and we are not built to take those shortcuts. We need to be heard and understood.
Managing Expectations:
How often you do become upset, angry, or depressed because someone didn’t react to something the way you thought they would. Maybe they weren’t as excited about something as you were and it bummed you out because you expected them to be over the moon or you had what seemed like the worst day ever and they pretty much gave you a pat on the ass and told you to “shake it off” but you expected them to become enraged with them at the idiot boss they have to deal with on their job? How did this make you feel, how did you react and how did this immediately affect the relationship? Were you disappointed, angry, hurt, confused? Through remembering that people have their own thoughts and feelings separate from your and that their perception of the situation IS going to vary from yours, you can manage your expectations of others, allow them the freedom of being themselves, and save your relationship, from a lot of rough times.
Message from dravendomon
Hello to all who read this. I am in need of some advice. I am new to the lifestyle and would like some insight. My wife and I have recently moved into an open-closed relationship with me on the open end. I have wanted to have that conversation with her for a few months. On Saturday night I was at my monthly dungeons and dragons game and as I was not driving I was drinking. When I got home after the game I ended up in a very emotional conversation with her about her currently nonexistent sex drive and that I would like to seek out someone that would be able to fill my need. I also have a desire for a D/s relationship. The advice I need is in how to handle the conversation with my wife. She is a very strong Type A personality and I don't want to end my marriage. I just don't know how to talk to her about this sober. Would a contract of a sort be something we should look at. Any advice or insight would be very appreciated.
This sounds simply complex on the outside but in all reality, this is one of the most common and most complex situations an existing couple goes through as one or both of them realize a need that BDSM can fulfill.
Any conversation worth having is worth having sober.
Understand that while you may think you are freer to speak while intoxicated or under the influence of a substance, you are actually under the control of the consequences you will have to suffer because you said something the wrong way, couldn’t control your emotions during the conversation and went into a blabbering crying fit, became angry and popped off with things that the other person didn’t deserve, or you flat out lied. Thus the only way to have productive and effective conversations is to take control of your fears and have the conversation. There aren’t any tips or tricks to this that I’ve ever heard that worked. The only thing that has helped me in the past is to set the stage and the rules and go back to them as needed. With that said, writing them down beforehand and scheduling the conversation when all parties are well rested, not hungry, and in a generally decent mood is essential. Here are a few steps to help:
Preplan using the things I just mentioned
Ask the other person or people involved when would be a good time to have a serious conversation. While doing this ensure them that nothing is wrong but that you have been thinking about YOUR roll in the relationship and you want to talk about ways you could be better. Remember, even in this step it is all about “I statements” NOT “you statements”.
When its time to have the conversation start it with the rules by saying something like “I love you and you are the most important person or thing in the world to me AND some of the things we are going to talk about could hurt the other person. This is because I am going to ask you to speak honestly about my roll in our relationship and ways I can improve. So to make sure we don’t end up saying something we might regret and this doesn’t turn into a fight I’ve got some rules that we can talk about and agree on first.
1: No fighting.
2: No name calling.
3: No words of disrespect.
4: If things get heated we will take a break and sit quietly holding each other or at least holding hands until both are ready to continue.
5: No interrupting each other.
6: This conversation will not end here. In a few days, after we have given it some thought we will dive back into it.
7: We will not allow ourselves to hurt each other because we love and respect each other.
8: We will remember that this is different for us to communicate this way but we promise to be open, honest, respectful and give it try because it could make our relationship even better than it already is.
9: When this session is over we will reassure each other that we are loved, cherished, wanted, respected, and desired by the other person.
10: We will enjoy a reward together for making it through our talk without breaking any of the first nine rules.
10a: Rewards could be sex, ice cream or a favorite treat, dinner out, a movie, snuggling in bed and going to sleep, or something else agreed upon now before we start the talk.
“Would a contract be helpful?”
Yes! As you start the talk make it known that you will be taking notes and offer her a pen and paper so she can as well. You might as well add note-taking to the rules. If you do this, I would also add that the notes will present, talk about, and agree upon at the start of the next session. Making these sound like formal business meeting can often put people in more of a logical mindset and helps them keep a check on their emotional state.
As you have this conversation you will effectively be writing an agreement that can easily be turned into a contract and the cool thing about doing this way is that nearly all the details have been worked out.
Executive Producers Jeremiah, Sihlus, Jess, and ArcaneDgr & violetaurelia.
Sr. Producers Matt and xEmeraldxWolfx.
Producers Kainsin, Heather, ThatPlace: Oklahoma City, JayKay and RoxieBear.
Jr. Producers K-2SO, BuffaloDom84, Painwaits, and Master Ferguson & LxSoumis.
If you would like to become one of our show producers go to our website, https://kuldrinskrypt.com/support to get that information.
BDSM contracts beautiful 25 page soft and hardbound. http://bdsmcontracts.org coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
Email: Sir@kuldrinskrypt.com
Fetlife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/159275
Fb: Kuldrin Fire https://www.facebook.com/kuldrin.fire
Twitter: @MasterKuldrin https://twitter.com/MasterKuldrin
Instagram: kuldrinfire https://www.instag
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkKh6z8FEvlzTHn-H3t5NNw?view_as=subscriber