The Private School Leader Podcast Episode 101: The 5 Steps To Managing Unrelenting Stress
Unrelenting.
It means, “not letting up or weakening in vigor or pace” and it’s synonyms are: unforgiving, unsparing, ruthless, cruel, unyielding, merciless
Stress.
Stress is anything that requires our internal systems to burn energy to maintain some kind of internal balance.
Unrelenting stress? For private school leaders it includes: upset parents, needy teachers, struggling students, facilities, finance, fundraising, athletics, curriculum, the board, transportation, retention, budget, admissions, marketing, payroll, discipline issues…. And the list goes on and on.
On today’s episode of the PSLP, we are going to discuss The 5 Steps To Managing Unrelenting Stress
I know that you are super busy, so be sure to listen while you are doing something else. I hope that you will get value from this episode as you serve and lead your school community. Thank you for taking some time out of your day to listen to the podcast!
Thanks for making a difference,
Mark Minkus
If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1.
I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible.
I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having Successful Meetings With Upset Parents. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode101
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the private school Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the private school leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Menkes. • • So I want to • start today's episode by • • • defining the word • • • • unrelenting, • • • • because the title of today's episode is the five steps to managing unrelenting stress. • • And I feel strongly that private school leaders • • • are in a very unique position where you not only have stress in your life, • • • • but you have unrelenting stress in your life, at school and outside of school. • • And so unrelenting means • • not letting up. The definition is not letting up or weakening in vigor or pace. • • • Some synonyms for unrelenting are unforgiving, unsparing, ruthless, cruel, unyielding, and merciless. • • • Does that describe the nature of the stress in your life? • • That it's constant, that it doesn't stop? • That it just keeps pounding away and pounding away and keeps coming from different sources, • • and then your head's on a swivel to see where that next source of stress is coming from. • • • • And I'll be honest. When I think of the word unrelenting, I think of two things. I think of rain during a hurricane, • • and it just pounds and pounds and pounds against the windows, • • and it just never stops and it never lets up. • • And I also think of some people who have migraines and how they describe the pain • • that it's just unrelenting. • • • • And so when it comes to stress, • • • • you know, stress, • • • I saw a definition that I've never seen before, and I'm going to read it to you. It says, stress is anything that requires our internal systems to burn energy to maintain some kind of internal balance. • • • • • Stress is anything that requires our internal systems to burn energy to maintain some kind of internal balance. I just described • • why you are so tired at the end of the day • • and why you feel like you have very little or nothing left in the tank for your family or for • • yourself. • • • • • And it's because of the unrelenting stress that we deal with as private school leaders • • • • upset parents, needy teachers, student problems, facilities, • • finance, fundraising, athletics, curriculum, the board, transportation, retention budget, admissions, marketing, payroll, student discipline issues. And the list goes on and on and on. • • • • And so, if the stress in your life • • as a private school leader is unrelenting, • • we are going to talk about how to manage • • unrelenting stress on today's episode of the private school Leader podcast. • •
How to use verbal judo to have better conversations with parents at school
And before we jump into that, I'm excited to share with you a, uh, free resource just as a way to say thank you for listening to the podcast. And this is called how to use verbal judo to have better conversations • • with parents at your school. • • And so what is verbal judo? It's a, uh, communication strategy that focuses on using words • effectively to de escalate conflict and resolve disputes. • And • • • the, um, author of the book • • • • Verbal Judo, the Gentle Art of Persuasion, George Thompson. He's trained over 200,000 law enforcement officers in North America in the art of verbal judo. • • • So I've taken several important strategies from this book and applied them very specifically to your life as a private school leader • • and to help you when you are talking to parents. And so you can get your free copy of how to use verbal judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school • • by just going to the private school leader.com judo. • • And again, a free gift for you there, • • privateschool leader.com judo. • •
I have three coaching spots open, and I would really love to help you
And one last thing. I just wanted to let you know that I have three coaching spots open right now, and I would really love to work with you one on one. • • And some people that have never been coached before. It's very • kind of confusing and just kind of vague. As far as, well, what is coaching? Well, I see it as two things. It's about transformation, and it's about solving problems. So, for instance, solving problems, what's your biggest struggle at school right now? What's the biggest struggle outside of school right now? Well, I can help make that better. • • • • Um, I can use my 33 years of experience as a private school leader and raising a family and struggling with probably almost all of the same things that you have. And I can help solve your problems. • • • And the other is about transformation. And that comes down to, what do you want? Do you want to feel more energized and happy at school? Do you want to be less exhausted at the end of the day so that you can give more to your family, • that you can feel less guilty about putting the school first? • • If that's the transformation you want, I can help you get that. • • And so if that intrigues you, if you want to know more about working with me one on one and claiming one of these three coaching spots, just head over to theprivateschoolleader.com coaching. • • •
The framework that we're going to talk about today was developed by Stuart Shanker
All right, so today's topic • • is about unrelenting stress. • • • And the framework that we're going to talk about today • • was developed by Stuart Shanker. And he published, uh, this framework in 2013, • • and it's about self regulation. And originally, his plan • was to have this help educators when it came to students who became dysregulated because of stress and other issues. • • And • • • what, um, we're going to do today, because this is what has happened over the last eleven or twelve years, is that • • this framework has now expanded to be applied to adults, and especially adults who have stressful jobs. • And so • • he, Stuart, um, • Shanker, who, • • um, talks about self regulation, • • um, in his framework, he talks about specifically • m how people manage stress and how much energy we expend and how well we recover. So, let me get that with you. Give that to you one more time. The whole point of the framework is how people manage stress, how much energy we spend, and how well we recover. • • And that sounds pretty good, especially with what we deal with, • • uh, as private school leaders. And so the framework has five steps. Step one is reframe. • Step two is recognize. Step three is reduce. • • Step four is reflect. And step five is respond. • • • And I'll have all of this for you in the show notes@theprivateschoolleader.com. episode 101 I know that most of you multitask when you listen to the podcast, whether you're driving to or from school or running errands or on a walk, • • • whatever, um, • • it might be. • • • And you can't really jot these things down. That's okay. I'll take good care of you in the show notes. And the other thing that I'll link in the show notes is I did an episode back, um, episode 78, and it's called do these four things to feel less stressed at school. And that will be a good companion podcast to today's episode. So, • um, I'll link that in the show notes as well.
Reframe behavior when you're under stress to manage stress more effectively
All right, so let's get into this framework. • • So, number one is reframe or reframe the behavior. • • So, • • • let's talk about this from the context of just asking yourself a question when you're really stressed out. And remember, it's unrelenting stress. It's coming from all different directions, and it's constant. • • • To just pause and ask, why? And why now can help us just stop and understand our feelings and our reactions. • And the goal is to get out of your, • or to get out of your, um, amygdala hijack • • • • • • area, um, • • and get your brain, get your thinking going into the prefrontal cortex. And so get it out of the • • • cerebrum, where the, • • um, you know, where emotion is ruling, how you feel, and how your body's reacting • • and get it into that prefrontal cortex. • • And so you're like, okay, well, that's easier said than done, and you're right. • • But I want to tell you about just a moment about amygdala hijack and then give you a quote from Victor Frankl and apply it to how we can, when we're under stress, • feel better, feel differently and manage that stress more effectively. So amygdala hijack. Our amygdala is that, • • • um, that • • part of our brain where it controls emotion. • • Um, it is very impactful when it comes to the fight or flight response. And so what happens is there's a stimulus, and then the amygdala responds and floods the brain with cortisol and sends adrenaline to, • um, our, uh, throughout our body. And, you know, that can be very helpful when we're trying to run away from a bear or when we're in danger. But the problem is, is that if we're sitting at our desk and we just hung up with a parent, and we had a really stressful phone call, and amygdala, our amygdala has hijacked our brain. That's not good. • • And then we just have this stress and all the things that you feel, you know, the racing heart rate and the, um, • • • • skin temperature rising, maybe a little bit of sweat, a little bit of a pit in your stomach, um, just your thoughts just kind of, • • um, • • not being able to form a really coherent thought and just some anxiety rising up in you. Um, all of those things are because of the amygdala hijack. • • • And Viktor Frankl, who was a Holocaust survivor and then became a psychologist, • • he wrote a book called man's search for meaning. One of the most important books ever written, in my opinion, • and his most famous quote is, between stimulus and response, there is a space. • • In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. • • So just remember that between stimulus and response, there's a space. • • And I think that as private school leaders, • • we often just feel like we have no agency, that we have no control, • that we are just going to be in that • • tsunami of stress, and there's nothing that we can do about it. And I would like to challenge your thinking on that, because • • every source of stress • is a stimulus. • • • And between that stimulus and how we choose to respond, there's a space. • • • • • And the power to choose a response is the thing that gives us freedom. • • • And when we don't pause, • • we just immediately react. And so it's the idea of responding instead of reacting. And my fear is, • • because I see it all the time with my coaching clients, I see it all the time with students in thrive academy office hours, • • is that we just • react • • and then we react and we react and we react and then we run it back and we keep doing that day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. And that is a recipe for burning out and for being an, uh, unhappy, unfulfilled • • private school leader that doesn't want to do this for a very long time. And that's the opposite of what we want. • • And so • • • • it's basically reframing things, so pausing and then trying to reframe it. And so I'll give you a couple of examples. So let's say that you have a difficult meeting with a parent coming up, • • and instead of viewing it as a confrontation, instead of fretting with anxiety over • • and, um, visualizing how terrible this meeting is going to go, • • • just reframe it as a chance to • • • strengthen a relationship • and serve the child. Okay, so this is just one specific example. So stick with me here. So you're thinking about a meeting with that parent that's coming up, and instead of just immediately, • that's the stimulus. • And then the response is anxiety and dread and doom and gloom. Um, • • and all of the physical reactions and cortisol, I get it. • • • But if we paused • and we reframed it • • as a chance to strengthen a relationship, but more importantly, to serve that child, • • focus on the child. They didn't choose their parents. They didn't choose their parents behavior. Maybe they've adopted some of their parents behavior, but it's about the child. • • • And then you can prepare for that meeting in a different way • and you'll probably be less anxious. • • And another thing, just with reframing, and this doesn't have to do necessarily with stress, but it has to do with a task, is that there will be times where in the summertime, maybe it's a really hot day, and I just don't feel like cutting my grass, and I have a lot of hills in my yard and • • I just don't feel like it. And I'm in my head and I'm just like, oh, have to cut the grass. But several years ago, it occurred to me one time when I was cutting my grass that there's probably a very high percentage of the world's population • • who wishes that they own property, • who wishes, • • and it's a lifelong dream and goal to own a home • and to have a yard. • • And so now when I cut the grass. Instead of fussing to myself that I have to, • • I actually think about how I get to be a homeowner • • and I have a yard and I get to cut the grass. • • And you might be saying, well, that's just, you know, you know, that's just trying to trick your brain and, you know, things of that nature. Listen, • • I'm just saying that there's a space between stimulus and response, and if we pause and reframe the source of the stress, it can make a difference. • • Okay? Number one is reframe. Number two is recognize. So we're going to recognize the stressors. And so • • • this means like, identifying the source of the stress and acknowledging our emotional response. That might sound a little weird, but it's like this. Okay, so let's say that you're in your office and you look up at the clock and you see that it's 02:05 p.m. • and you start feeling really, really • • stressed and you feel anxious, and, um, you start to feel that fight or flight, um, • • • • response welling up inside of you and you're not really even sure why. • • Well, you, you know, we talked about reframing it, but you need to recognize the stress. And there's an old saying, you've got to name it to tame it. You know, your body • • • • • thinks that, uh, in that fight or flight, your body thinks that there's danger. And so when it doesn't see the danger, it doesn't see the bear or the wolf that's chasing you. It's just going to stay in fight or flight. • • But if you can kind of name it and just be like, you know what? • • It's 02:05 p.m. and the reason that I'm stressed out is because • I know that I have this. I, um, have to go talk to this teacher at 03:00 and, um, it's going to be an uncomfortable meeting because I have to hold them accountable for some stuff that they haven't been doing. • • It can actually reduce your stress. When you just acknowledge what I'm feeling in my body is because of x or. Yeah, and just name it, name it to tame it. And so to recognize the stressors, • • and that's hard because we are often bombarded by stress, multiple different sources of stress at the same time. • • • But if we can make a conscious effort to • • think about it and to acknowledge and name it, • • we can then do something about it. And so an example that the, • • um, • • • • • • I told you that this framework, • • • • • um, that we're talking about today • • was developed, • • um, • • in 2013 • • • • • • by uh, Stuart Shanker. And Stuart Shanker, in, um, an article that I read, he gave an example of all of these different sources of stress, but that when he recognized it, then he changed his behavior. So let me just read this to you. Quote, I on a recent morning, I was rushing to an appointment with no time for breakfast. I was worried about being late for my appointment and thinking about, • um, giving feedback to students in an online course that I was teaching. Okay, so he doesn't eat breakfast. That's impacting him biologically. He's worried about being late. So that's affecting his emotions and his social, um, • • anxiety. And then thinking about • the class that he's going to teach is the cognitive load. Okay. So just a lot of different sources of stress that are affecting a lot of different domains. • • • • • • Okay. So what he did was he recognized these stressors allow us to make a conscious effort to address them. And then to finish the quote, he said, as I drove to my appointment, I switched the radio from a news station to quiet music, loosened the grip on the steering wheel, lowered my shoulders, and took two deep breaths. • • • • • • So you get what I'm going for here, right? • Is that our behavior • • • is just going to be our behavior • • • if we don't recognize and acknowledge • • I'm stressed. And here's why. What can I do about it right now? • • • • And you might be very deterministic in your viewpoint about stress, and just be like, you don't understand, Mark. Even you don't work at my school. You're right.
Managing your environment can significantly impact your overall well being
I don't work at your school. • • • • • But I've been doing this for 33 years, and I've dealt with a lot of stressful situations over the years. • And • • • • if you don't • • • deal with them, um, in a more healthy way, I just don't want you to end up like me. You know, if you've been listening to this podcast, you know that I ended up with ulcers and ended up with burnout and with stress induced vertigo and different things like that. And I just don't want that for you • • because the body will always pull the emergency brake. • • • • But if we can think about it and acknowledge what it is and then try to have a • • response to that, so we're reframing, we're recognizing, and then number three, • on our three steps • • • to manage unrelenting stress, number three is to reduce. Reduce the stressors. And I can hear what you're saying. You're like, yeah, right. You know, that would be great. How am I supposed to do that? • • • • Well, • • there's a few things that we have to think about in the first place. First of all, you have to believe that it's possible • to reduce, not necessarily the number of stressors, although I think that's possible, • • • • • • • but to reduce how much that stress impacts you emotionally. • • • And also managing your environment can significantly impact your overall well being, and it can reduce stress. • • • And so what I talk about a lot on this podcast is being intentional about your day instead of just letting your day happen to you. • • • • So you're saying, okay, so how can I reduce stress? • • By being more intentional and being more intentional about my environment. All right, I'll give you two examples. Number one, • if you find that back to back meetings really drain your energy and they really stress you out because you're trying to wrap up with this person • and then magically get to this next meeting where that person is hovering outside your office, • • then • • I think that in your calendar, that you need to schedule • • five or ten minutes of buffer time, but still stick to the schedule so that • you have that buffer time. But also, you can stand up, you can • • • take a drink from your water bottle, you can maybe actually go to the bathroom for the first time that day. • • Um, • • these things that we don't do • • • • and the things that we just accept as a normal part of our day, • • if we're more intentional about it, just even building in that few extra minutes, • recognizing that that stresses you out and it drains, you can make a big difference changing something on your calendar. And then I have a second example, and this one's something that I do, and it's going to sound kind of silly, but, uh, years ago, I was noticing that in the mornings, I was really stressed out. And I was often just getting to work barely on time or depending on traffic, coming in late, a little bit late. And that was stressing me out. And so I started to just pause and think about, • • • why am I having, • • what am I spending my time on in the morning? And I was realizing that • • • • the decision making of, okay, picking out which shirt and which tie and which pair of pants, • finding socks that match the pants and so on and so forth, and then sometimes the shirt needs to be ironed and ironing the shirt and so on and so forth. And then it was like, you know, the cascade of just that stress, but also the time that it would take to find clothes and get dressed wasn't helping. And so I changed my • and managed my environment. • • And so what I did, and like I said, it's going to sound kind of silly, but on the weekend, um, I would. And at the beginning of a month on a weekend, I would just figure out all of my shirts and ties, • um, socks, everything for • • • • • • • the month and actually make a little calendar. • • • Um, • but then on a weekend, on the Saturday or the Sunday, usually the Sunday afternoon, • • I, um, would iron my five shirts for the week and put them in my closet and have the shirt, the tie, the pants, the belt, the socks, the undershirt, and everything was there. So that then the next morning, on Monday morning, all I would have to do is just reach for the hanger and get dressed. • • • • • • •
Five steps to managing unrelenting stress include managing your environment
That is managing your environment to reduce a stressor in your life. But the very first step in that is noticing and then figuring out what can I do • • with my environment to reduce that. Okay, so we're talking about the five • • ways, five steps • • to managing unrelenting stress. Number one, reframe the behavior. Number two, recognize the stress. Number three, reduce the stressors. • And number four, • • reflect and enhance stress awareness. • • So sticking with our alliteration of the letter r, we're going to reflect in step four. • •
In today's society, many people confuse screen time with being calm
And so, • • um, • the author • of an article that I read said that in today's society, many people no longer know what calm feels like or they confuse the mindfulness of screen time, the mindlessness of screen time with being calm. M • • and I wonder how true that is for you. I know it's kind of true for me that • • • I was born • • • • in the late sixties, grew up in the late seventies and the eighties, and there were only three channels and we didn't have phones, uh, cell phones. And we knew what it was like to • • • entertain ourselves or to just have it be kind of calm and kind of quiet. And I think that today • • we have so many technological advances. I'm not trying to be an, ah, old man and say, get off my lawn. I love all the technological advances that we have. But I also think that it is true that it's rare for us to know what it feels like to be calm or to be quiet. • • And the other thing that we've got going against us is the hustle. Culture equates inactivity with laziness. • • And so sometimes we view being busy, busy, busy as an indicator of our importance, our worth and our value that we add to the school. • • And I used to brag about, um, I'd be going to warm up my lunch at 230 or 03:00 and someone would make a comment. A teacher passing by in the hall would make a comment. I'd be like, well, you know, gotta, you know, grinding away and busy, busy and blah, blah. And then I realized, you know what • • • • I'm setting a terrible example for my teachers. And I'm not saying that there are days where I, • • you know, there are still days where I don't get to eat lunch or I eat lunch late, but I certainly don't brag about it. Um, and I really try to crush that hustle culture mentality at, um, my school. • • • And so my point in painting that picture about us not knowing what it means to be calm or quiet most of the time, • and then the hustle culture equating inactivity with laziness, • • • • • • • we have to reflect and pause and think. Not just the pausing with that space that Viktor Frankl talked about, but • • to reflect. • And I did not used to be very good at reflection. You know, our, um, head of lower school that's been at our school for five or six years, um, she actually is the one that, um, taught me a lot about being more, • • uh, reflective and thinking about things after the fact. • • And, you know, I think that it's so important, • • because if we • • can just take • • • • that self regulation that I've been talking about, • • and it will bring us one step closer to being calm if we can think about our reactions to stress • • and how effective our coping strategies are • • or maybe aren't. • • • And so let's say that, for example, uh, after a particularly stressful event, like, let's say it's a board meeting that didn't go well, is to just maybe on the drive home • • or the next morning, is to just take just a couple minutes and ask yourself questions like, what went well, • • and what could I do different the next time? You know, • • • Navy SEALs, when they go on a mission, they do the same exact thing after every single mission since the Navy SeALs began. • • And that's called an aar after action report. • • And they debrief, and rank goes out the window. And the least, um, you know, the lowest ranking, • um, soldier in the SEALs in that team or the commander, they're all able to say whatever they want • • and to say what went well, • um, what didn't go well, and what would we change for the next time? It happens after every single, • • um, seal mission. And so • • what we need to do is to stop, reflect, and adjust. • • • And I'm going to say that one more time. We need to stop, reflect, and adjust. And I know we're busy. I know that we're on to the next thing. But that's part of the problem, because here's the thing that happens when we don't stop, reflect, and adjust. We just run it back again and again and again • • for weeks. That become months, that become years. And you're living that same unrelenting stress now that you were four years ago. • • • • And I don't want you to be doing that four months from now or four years from now. • • These are all things that contribute to • people wanting to get out of private school leadership, • because no one was ever designed to stay in flight or fight or flight for months at a time or years at a time. Our bodies aren't designed that way. • • And the end result of staying in fight or flight for too long is burnout. • • • And so all of these • • • • strategies, this self regulation strategies, these five R's, • • if we can just try to do them, • • it will make us more intentional • • about where is that stress coming from? Why am I stressed? What went well? What didn't go well? What was my reaction? How can I adjust that and what can I do better the next time? Because if we don't, we're going to do it the same way that we've always done it. • • • • •
Our goal is restoration and resilience after a stressful situation
All right, that brings us to number five. Step number five is to respond. • • • • And so, • • • um, when we think about • responding instead of reacting, • • • responding to • • stressful situations, • • • • • what our goal is is restoration and resilience. • • • • Our goal is restoration and resilience • • after a stressful situation. Yes, it's bad. Your heart rate is going and all the things. And then sometimes you have, like, an adrenaline dump afterwards, especially if it's like the injury of a student or, you know, some kind of really high • • stress situation that involves, um, a crisis or a safety issue at the school. • • • • • But after that stressful situation, whether it's a crisis, whether it's a parent meeting, a board meeting, an, uh, interaction with a student, interaction with a teacher that didn't go well. Whatever the source of stress is, • • • maybe it's financial stress about the school or financial stress at home. You know, I've been talking about and giving examples of mostly things that are applicable to life at school. But what about all the stress outside of school with • • • • paying the mortgage and with getting to our kids activities on time and to, • um, you know, trying to, • • • you know, spend some time with the love of our life and just the things that we, as private school leaders, often struggle with? • • There's stress in school. There's stress outside of school. • We've got to do something to • • • • • • pump the brakes. • • And • • that's what these five r's are about. And so if the goal for respond is restoration and resilience, • • • • we want to build resilience after a stressful situation, or that stressful situation just exists in a vacuum. And we didn't really learn anything from it. We didn't really grow from it. And that's a mistake. And so we need to • build our personal toolbox of self regulation strategies. • They'll help us feel calm, they'll help us feel more alert. You know, that cortisol makes us dumb. It makes us slow in our decision making. • • It does the opposite of, uh, uh, us feeling calm. • • And so one of the ways to go forward with this is to • • think about, well, how can I refill my tank when it's empty? • • • And to consider some restoration strategies. You know, I said it's about restoration and resilience. So I want to give you a very specific example. • • • You're all stressed out. • • • • • The people that I coach, the thrive academy students that I have office hours with, • • I would say that about 85% of them do not do the thing I'm about to talk about now. They eventually do through coaching or through office hours. But when we start, • • they typically • • • are stuck. • • • • They're stuck in their office. • • And I tell them, listen, Joy is happening all over your campus, • • but it rarely comes to you. And you have to go to the joy and you need to put it in your schedule. • • • And this is, I think, probably the most important part of this episode. And so I'm going to say that again, • • Joy is happening all over your campus. • It rarely comes to you. • You have to go to the joy and you have to put it in your schedule. And so whether that's reading a story to kindergarteners or sitting down at the 6th grade lunch table and telling the girls that, you think that, you know, 1989 is objectively the best Taylor Swift album, • • um, and seeing what kind of reaction you get, or whatever it is, there's joy all over campus. • • You have to go to that joy, and that will restore you, because that's why you got into this in the first place. But the longer you're a school leader, the less time that that happens. And then we get into this hamster wheel, we've got to schedule it and then make it happen, • • • and it will restore you. • • • And remember Victor Frankl, that quote again, between stimulus and response, there is a space, and in that space is our power to choose our response. That's the key, is that we're going to respond. We're not going to react. • • And so what are the big takeaways from today's episode? Well, Shanker's self regulation framework is, number one, reframe the behavior. Number two, recognize the stress. Number three, reduce the stress. Number four, reflect and enhance stress. Awareness. And number five, respond. And so if we just hit just the r's. Number one, reframe. Number two, recognize. Number three, reduce. Number four, reflect. And number five, respond. • • • And those will all be in the show notes for you@theprivateschoolleader.com. episode 101 • • and your call to action this week is to try to ask yourself • • when you're feeling stressed, to ask yourself the question, why am I feeling stressed right now? • • • • And action. Step number two is to decide how you are going to respond • • in that space between stimulus and response. When you think about it as a space, • • often it will make you pause. And then at least you can choose how you respond • • instead of just reacting.
Mark Minkus: Five strategies to help you work with difficult parents
Okay, so to wrap it up, I just want to remind you, I said at the top of the episode that I have three coaching spots open right now, and I'd love to work with you one on one. So go to theprivateskeleter.com coaching, and I have another free gift for you to say thanks for listening. And it's five strategies to help you work with difficult parents. And the parents at our school, most of them are great, but some of them can be really demanding and difficult. And so this guide will give you the tools you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. And so if you head over to theprivateschool leader.com parents, you can grab this free guide called • • five strategies to help you work with difficult parents. Again, that's the privateschool leader.com parents. And that's free for you just to say thanks for listening. • And I'd love to hear from you. • • • Shoot me an email at mark dot o dot minkusmail.com. • • and if you, um, would please • • rate and review the podcast wherever you listen to it, it helps the algorithm push it out to private school leaders all over the world. Um, this podcast is being listened to in 59 countries around the world. And just want to get that word out and this content to those leaders that really need it. And one of the best ways to do that is, if you • • have ever gotten any value from this podcast, if you would just please share the link with another leader at your school, • • another leader in your life, or an aspiring leader at your school. Because I want to just get this word out there that there are strategies available. • There's, • • uh, this is a hard job. The stress is unrelenting. • But there are ways to make it better. • • So I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I just want to say I appreciate you so much and all your hard work that you do for your school and for those kids. And thanks for taking some of that precious time to join me here today. And I'll see you next time right here on the private school leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.