#28: "Sorry...I'm Not Looking for Anything Serious"

Jun 11, 2024

19:42

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So, how do you get over the fear of commitment?

Grieve Your Former Self: Taking the time to truly process your coming out experience is crucial in your ability to let go of limiting beliefs. Often, we leave that person behind and move on, but just like you left your former self behind, you also leave your partners behind and move on. We lived in a state of discomfort for so long that when we finally let that lifestyle go, we consciously or subconsciously vow to never be uncomfortable again. Therefore, you run in the opposite direction at the first sign of conflict in your relationship. Having compassion for that former self will help you gain empathy, which is a crucial part of building a healthy and successful relationship.

Challenge Your Confirmation Bias: A confirmation bias is a tendency to process information by seeking and interpreting information that is consistent with your current beliefs. Often, it's subconscious which is probably why you allow yourself to believe when a relationship doesn’t work out that "it wasn’t meant to be," or "you weren't looking for anything serious anyway," or "everyone in community in non-committal," but you don’t realize that your current confirmation bias is perpetuating a re-occurring outcome. Breaking this cycle will be crucial in your ability to overcome your fear of commitment.

Accept Failure: The perfect relationship or person does not exist, love can be painful, and you cannot predict the future. We have been conditioned to believe that failure devalues us when it reality, it INCREASES our value. If your life was only filled with success, it would make it very difficult for you to relate or empathize with people and you would SUCK at conflict resolution because you would also be used to winning. You would lack the ability to practice true gratitude and your vision of the world would be skewed. Failing is the MOST human thing you can do and it builds character.

Practice Small Commitments: In my 1:1 sessions, I often times find people view commitment as a life-sentence. That is simply not true. You are looking at it on a macro level, "I have to commit to the relationship or my partner." That isn't where your focus should be, it should be on making small commitments to yourself everyday and executing them. Ex:

Commit to paying that bill you've been putting off.
Commit to going on that walk you've been putting off.
Commit to planning a nice dinner for you and your partner.
Commit to talking to your partner about a disagreement you guys had.

Committing to smaller actions daily takes it from this amorphous thing you have no idea how to approach to something more tangible. THAT is you putting in the work. That is how you maintain and grow a healthy relationship with your partner and yourself.

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