Ep. 10 - "Untigering" in Motherhood, Parenting, and Reclaiming Identity with Iris Chen

Feb 13, 2024

Iris Chen, a recovering tiger mother and founder of the Untigering movement, explores the transformative journey of peaceful parenting. She shares her experiences as an American Born Chinese raising children in China, highlighting the effects of authoritarian parenting on mental health. Iris emphasizes the importance of 'unschooling' and adapting education to a child’s interests. She also discusses the cultural challenges AAPI mothers face while redefining their parenting identities, advocating for empathy and understanding in familial relationships.

Ask episode

AI Snips

Chapters

Books

Transcript

Episode notes

ANECDOTE

Misreading Child's Sensitivity

Iris initially used tiger parenting methods, expecting obedience and excellence from her children.
She misinterpreted her sensitive son's anxiety as disobedience, responding with punishment.

INSIGHT

Neurobiology Shifts Parenting

Understanding children's neurobiology showed Iris that punishment causes fear and triggers survival responses.
This insight shifted her parenting from control to empathy and regulation support.

INSIGHT

Untigering as Healing and Power-Shift

Untigering involves healing from authoritarian parenting and relearning power-sharing with children.
It requires compassion and acceptance for oneself, avoiding perfectionism in parenting.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Get the app

You may know our latest guest as the popular "Untigering" on Instagram or from her book by the same name. Iris Chen is a recovering tiger mother, parent coach, and founder of the Untigering movement. After seeing the negative effects of authoritarian parenting and unhealthy cultural expectations in her own life, Iris is now on a mission to promote mental health, peaceful parenting, and self-directed learning, especially among Asian communities.

Because of our names and our ideas around the concept of the "tiger mom," we knew we had to get Iris on the podcast to have a conversation! In this episode, we talk with Iris about what she observed being an "American Born Chinese (ABC) raising Chinese Born Americans (CBA)" in China, after she lived there for 16 years. Iris has since returned to the U.S. and is continuing to raise her teenagers in ways that honor peaceful parenting and "unschooling," which we talk about as well.

We discuss how Iris got to experience a "third culture" living abroad and then in turn defining how she wanted her motherhood and parenting ideals to look. Iris goes over the pivotal moment when she realized she had to change her authoritarian ways of parenting because she realized there was actually neurobiological development at play in her children that she had to take into consideration.

We also talk about how mental health and parenting can be closely tied in motherhood, and how "untigering" is not just about how we parent our children now but also how we heal from the way we were parented. Additionally, Iris talks about how we're not abandoning all ideals and traditions of our culture. Rather, we are blending our parts and seeing ourselves as bi-cultural and creating our own culture.

Please join us in this rich conversation about the intersection of motherhood, parenting, Asian identity, and mental health with the inspiring Iris Chen.

Find more of Iris at:
Website: https://untigering.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/untigering/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/untigering
Book: "Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent"

If you enjoy our podcast and our mission to shine light on conversations and stories of AAPI mothers, please take a moment to leave us a review! Reviews help us become more visible and we really want this podcast to reach more AAPI mothers who may need it. You may also follow us @healingthetigress on Instagram and TikTok. Thank you for tuning in!

Note: The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speakers' own. This podcast is not a replacement for therapy or professional/medical advice. If you need more support or advice, please reach out to your own medical professional who can answer your questions with your individual medical history and background in context.

Support the show